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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

They Are Who We Thought They Were: South Carolina Gamecocks

 

Ah, finally, a weekend where I can sleep in and not play cornhole on the side of Cooper at 6 a.m.  That three week stretch of tailgating was almost the death of me.  I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to schedule the three biggest home games of the year in a row, but how ’bout we make sure that doesn’t happen again.  Thankfully, I’ll be taking in tomorrow’s game from the couch in the great town of Madisonville, KY.  But, as the tailgating takes a day off, the TAWWTTW show must go on.  So, here they are, the University of South Carolina Gamecocks…

The University of South Carolina

USC is located in the University Park neighborhood of Los Angeles, Califor The University of South Carolina is located in Columbia, South Carolina.  The historic campus provides an eloquent, private atmosphere for Olympic swimmers to get stoned out of their mind and lose thousands of dollars on a beer pong game.  The school reflects the state’s motto “a buncha rednecks by the ocean”, as students are within driving distance of the beautiful beaches of Charleston, Myrtle Beach, and Hilton Head Island.

Notable Alumni

— Hootie & The Blowfish – Probably the greatest band ever

— Renaldo Balkman –Before playing basketball at USC, Renaldo Balkman performed with 2pac under the alias “Humpty Hump” as a member of Digital Underground

— Lilian Garcia –Former WWE Raw ring announcer and recipient of a figure four leglock from Jeff Jarrett after his controversial loss to Luna Vachon

Cheerleader Scouting Report

Some jokes just write themselves.

The Gamecocks?

South Carolina war hero Thomas Sumter was given the nickname “The Carolina Gamecock” during the American Revolution for his fierce fighting tactics.  This somehow turned into the unique moniker for South Carolina Athletics.  Why?  No idea.  I’m not aware of any ties Mr. Sumter had with the university.  But, I don’t understand why the school colors are garnet and black either.  How do you chant “GARNET! BLACK!”?

Head Coach, Steve Spurrier

As much as I want to hate Steve Spurrier, I think I love him.  I know he’s 92-0 against Kentucky, but is that really a reason to dislike him?  I mean, the guy coined the nickname “Free Shoes University” for Florida State.  How can you hate that?  He once said, “You can’t spell Citrus Bowl without UT.”  The man hates Tennessee and loves taking shots at UT fans.  Anyone who hates Tennessee is a friend of mine.

Key Players To Watch


#70 Garrett Anderson, OL
Anderson is one of 44 players named to the preseason Rimington Watch List, a 2009 All-SEC Honorable Mention, and the 2003 MLB Homerun Derby champion. He blocked for the Cocks in all 13 games last season and is the best returning Cock blocker.

scott_spurrier
#27 Scott Spurrier, WR
Wittle Scotty Spurrier started following his dad to work when he was only 12 years old. Now, ten years later, he’s still following dad to work, but it’s not as creepy when he showers with the players. Scott is no longer that 5’4, 120 lb. boy in dad’s shadow, dreaming of running onto the football field. He is now a 5’6, 160 lb. senior walk-on in dad’s shadow, dreaming of running onto the football field. Tomorrow, keep an eye on the Ol’ Walk-On during the game. Seriously… watch him, he wanders off.


#90 Foxy Foxworth, TE
After failing in numerous Bond girl auditions, Foxxxy Foxworth is trying his hand at football. Foxworth is a walk-on for the Gamecocks and is using his time with S.C. to get in shape and network with other young men with terrible names. After the season, Foxxxy plans to pursue a career in the adult film industry with teammates Marty Markett, Ryan Broadhead, Billy Byrne, and “Lucky” Pierre Andrews. Good luck guys.

Prediction

I was three points off from guessing last week’s score (take that, Vegas) and I’m feeling like I’ve got it in me once again.  Let’s face it folks, Kentucky isn’t going to win.  Steve Spurrier could be coaching Kentucky Wesleyan and he would still beat Kentucky.  As the last remaining passenger on the Hartline train, I hope he has a good game, but I don’t see the Cats getting the win on the road at Williams-Brice. 

South Carolina 30, Kentucky 20

Taylor Wyndham Kill Count: 34

Hartline Interceptions: 1

Morgan Newton Minutes: 0

Message Board Quarterback Complaints: 670,094

Go Cats.

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR