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They Are Who We Thought They Were: Missouri Tigers

I was digging through the KSR storage unit this morning, looking for an old  Glad® container Coach Cal left at one of our toga parties, and way back in the corner, next to BTI’s pog collection, I found a piece of equipment from KSR’s past. Yup, I found the “They Are Who We Thought They Were” machine.  As soon as I saw it tucked in between Will Lentz’s saxophone and Fake Gimel’s Han Solo blowup doll, I knew I had to drag it out and see if it’d run. So, I blew off the dust, jiggled the cables, and, just like Grandpa’s old T-Bird, she fired right up.

Welcome to the SEC, Missouri.


The columns were all that was left of the old Academic Hall after it burned down in 1892.

The University of Missouri

Established in 1839 as the first public institution of higher education west of the Mississippi River, the University of Missouri is the only thing in mid-Missouri. That’s it. You’re looking at it. Nothing else has even bothered trying to call Missouri home. Look at St. Louis. It’s hugging the Illinois border, begging to get away from the rest of the state. Kansas City, too. It’s Missouri’s largest city but wanted no part in taking its name.

Which brings us to…

Location

The University of Missouri is located in Columbia, Missouri, the fifth-largest city in the Show-Me State. CoMo, as it’s known by its 175,831 locals, has been described as a “69,709 square mile trailer park with representation in Congress” and a ” government land reservation for the mentally defective and socially inept.”

Some people could argue that it is actually a nice place to live, but no one will ever hear them because they’re in Columbia, Missouri.

Notable Alumni

Sheryl Crow – Before she put Kid Rock’s picture away and stuck needles in Lance Armstrong’s ass, nine-time Grammy award-winner Sheryl Crow was just a girl with a backpack and questionable morals on Missouri’s campus. Crow was a member of the Kappa Alpha Theta sorority, as well as a “Summer Welcome” orientation leader.

Pat Forde – Pat Forde, the journalist we all love to never read, graduated from the University of Missouri in 1987. He would go on to have a very successful career in trying to fit Rick Pitino’s entire package in his mouth without choking. I’ve heard he went entire days without taking a breath of air while writing Rick Pitino’s book, Rebound Rules: The Art of Success 2.0. The book is often confused with Karen Sypher’s new book, Guilty Until Proven Innocent, which is also about sleeping with Pitino.

Brad Pitt – The only man I’d ever consider crossing streams with dropped out of Missouri right as his graduation day was approaching. The young Brad Pitt said he wasn’t ready to settle down, so he packed up his bag of small African children and moved out to California to become a star. He’s still one credit shy of earning a diploma.

Mary Jo Perino – MJP worked for the Missouri football team throughout college and now she’s the LEX 18 sports anchor, a True Blue Fan, and KSR sweetheart.

David C. Novak – David C. Novak and I have a love/hate relationship. I take that back. We don’t have a relationship. He has no idea who I am. But, if we were to become friends, it would be an emotional roller coaster ride for me. I want to love the guy because he’s the head of the company that gave America great things like the Doritos Locos Taco, the Doritos Locos Taco Supreme, and the Cheesy GorDoritos Crunch*, but he also gave the University of Louisville one of the nicest venues in America to play basketball in. He won us all over and then stabbed us in the back with one of his plastic sporks.

(*Order the Cheesy Gordita Crunch but ask for a Doritos taco shell inside. You’re welcome.)

Cheerleader Scouting Report

You’re looking at the reason why we canceled our trip to Columbia.

Mascot: The Tiger

The Tiger mascot traces its origin to the Civil War period. As legend has it, plundering guerilla bands habitually raided small towns, and Columbia people constantly feared an attack. Such organizations as temporary “home guards” and vigilance companies banded together to fight off any possible forays.

The town’s preparedness discouraged any guerilla activity and the protecting organization began to disband in 1854. However, it was rumored that a guerilla band, led by the notorious Bill Anderson (obviously a fake name), intended to sack the town. An armed guard of Columbia citizens built a blockhouse and fortified the old courthouse in the center of town. This company was called “The Missouri Tigers.”

Today, the people of Columbia constantly fear attack from opposing schools in the SEC. As they should.

Mascot Note: 44 other NCAA schools call themselves the Tigers without making up some war story about Bill Anderson.

Nickname: MIZZOU

Because that’s short for Missouri, apparently.

Traditions

Homecoming – The University of Missouri claims to have invented homecoming, although no one believes them.

Big MO – Big MO may sound like the name of a guy you don’t want to bunk with in prison, but it’s actually Missouri football’s drum. The 6-foot, 150-pound bass drum is used to lead fans in the traditional MIZ-ZOU cheer. This will be the last season for the current Big MO, it’ll be replaced next year with an 800-pound drum.

Underachieving – Missouri athletics has been doing it since day one.

Players To Watch

#13  Corbin Berkstresser, QB
(53-113, 627 yds, 3 TDs, 3 INTs)

With James Franklin listed as doubtful for the game, redshirt freshman Corbin Backscratcher is expected to make his third career start for the Tigers against Kentucky.

Did we ever get confirmation on that FAIL tattoo?

#4  Kendial Lawrence, RB
(95 carries, 524 yds, 5 TDs)

He gets it.

 

#97  Trey Barrow, P
(40 punts, 42.7 avg, 69 long)

Barrow was named second team All-Big 12 last season but he’s no match for Landon “I Can Kick It Farther” Foster.

Prediction

It was the week of Taylor Wyndham’s beard, so I’m predicting a Taylor Wyndham interception against the inexperienced Corbin Birdwasher. Kentucky’s D will hold the Tigers to 20 points and the Cats will leave Columbia with a 26-20 win on Homecoming night.

Kentucky 26, Missouri 20


Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

36 Comments for They Are Who We Thought They Were: Missouri Tigers



  1. BillyDonovan
    4:09 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    That’s my gf. And posting her on this site is obviously an unfair recruiting advantage.



  2. John Wall
    4:12 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    I think we got this game! I usually love the girls of the SEC that KSR uploads but this one is disturbing haha. Go Cats!



  3. randomer
    4:13 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    can we pleeeeeeaaaaasssseee stop talking about football.



  4. wow
    4:14 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    She is very unattractive, and the comment under her is funny.



  5. Isaac in Long Beach
    4:16 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    I know you guys hate Star Wars, but come on – HANS Solo? Hahaha…

    Awesome post. This may be our best shot at a win against a team not named Samford so hopefully our boys will be ready!



  6. Grandpa Simpson
    4:19 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    “It will be a cold day in HELL when I recognize Misserah as a state!!!!”



  7. Drew Franklin
    4:21 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    5. — He’s a German porn star.



  8. MartyFeldmanEyes
    4:27 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    I could have gone the rest of my life without having that squatch pop up as I was scrolling down………..



  9. Dano
    4:30 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    Blah blah blah blah blah loss coulda woulda shoulda moral victory kept it close we’re young



  10. Nasty Hoe
    4:33 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    Thanks for the props. 80’s West German chicks making a comeback



  11. Isaac in Long Beach
    4:40 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    7 – Oh no way! Haha, did not know. Will refrain from Googling that one.



  12. Chi-TownCat
    4:40 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    Black tooth grin!! A couple of Pantera fans may get that



  13. Rick Pitino
    4:45 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    That tattoo says “faith” not fail. I got a good 15 second look at it last week at Porcini’s.



  14. josh
    4:49 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    is that Mary Jo in her college days?



  15. what'zup
    4:50 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    When pat forde isn’t sniffing pitino’s nut sack, he spends time with that UM male cheerleader / wait, that ain’t a dude?



  16. Catcrawler
    4:52 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    LMAO this whole post is killing me



  17. bluebloodtoo
    4:53 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    now THAT was funny! I specifically liked the rearrangement of the QB name. That was just bound to happen with a name like that though.



  18. mark
    4:56 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    I’m gonna hurl….



  19. Dear UL and IU fans, We are national champions; you are not. The end.
    5:05 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    Pat Forde bit is quality humor.



  20. Big Whoop
    5:12 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    Mizzou is going to put a beat down on the Cats much like Arkansas did. BTW, the hairy armpits have to go. Don’t post pictures like that anymore.



  21. Why...
    5:23 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    You guys are pretty ballsy putting stuff like this stuff up when you suck so bad. UK isn’t worthy of carrying the jockstrap of any of these SEC teams, much less being on the field with them.



  22. RealCatsFan
    5:24 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    Wow, Halloween comes early. Did that chick ride in on a broom, or did she go 21st century and take her Electrolux?



  23. tangledupinblue
    5:56 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    Yep , I’d do her . She’d do anything !



  24. RealCatsFan
    6:04 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    Drew, I can’t believe you guys haven’t jumped on this rube. Classic “Cawd” fan, complete with chinstrap linebeard. Dude spotlighted an LMPD chopper with his laser pointer from Unitas Tower on UL’s campus:

    http://www.wdrb.com/story/19897114/u-of-l-student-accused-of-hitting-pilot-with-laser-pointer



  25. RealCatsFan
    6:05 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    Hey, I think SexInNursinHomes would go for a three-way with that chick and Brittney Griner!



  26. So Hot
    6:26 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    Omg, I would lick the shet out of her pit hair!



  27. So Hot
    6:27 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    I’d date that girl. I mean, I hear she has a wonderful personality.



  28. Get over yourself
    6:30 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    So MJP really was offended because you mentioned her above the chick with pit hair. Self conscious much?



  29. Come on
    6:55 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    #14. Come on u beat me to it but its her after shaggin the joke



  30. Duke Sucks
    6:56 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    Oh great now we got anther school to beat us in the SEC. Thanks Joker for totally toilet bowling all the positive mo hat brooks worked for at UK. I believe Curry would be a step up from what we got now. Atleast Curry had some SEC caliber players.( couch, yeast, Sanford and white. Towles is the only legit player on the team. Max Smith is respectable but a quality backup at the most.



  31. Come on
    6:57 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    Mary jo



  32. iamthebobca
    7:32 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    I’d hit that armpit!



  33. Isuuc in Long Beach
    7:56 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    HaHa too funny



  34. Pay back is a Bi!!!!!
    8:04 pm October 26, 2012 Permalink

    Bill Anderson was known as Bloody Bill Anderson. Jesse and Frank James along with Josie Wells better known as Bill Wilson the Younger gang and 70 others road with him and killed my great grandfather in Centralia just north of there in the biggest defeat of the union. Go Big Blue!!!!



  35. JokerTheChoker
    10:12 am October 27, 2012 Permalink

    “A Mizzu Hate Day??? THAT has not worked out well so far…has it???”
    Signed,
    UL,WKU.



  36. RaleighCat
    10:24 am October 27, 2012 Permalink

    I didn’t know you could show bush on a family site like this?