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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

They Are Who We Thought They Were: Louisville Cardinals

The University of Louisville

The University of Louisville was founded in 1798, becoming the first city-owned public university in the United States. Today, the university enrolls almost 20,000 students from all 50 states and 116 countries around the world.

U of L offers bachelor’s degrees in 70 fields of study, including popular majors like Exterior Automobile Design, Tank-top and Textiles Studies, Facial Hair Management, and Reading.

Motto: “It’s Happening Here”

I don’t know what it is that’s happening there but it smells funny and I don’t like it.

Location: Louisville, Kentucky

Louisville is the 16th-largest city in the United States and the second most featured city on A&E’s The First 48. It was founded by George Rogers Clark and named in honor of King Louis XVI of France. “The Gateway to New Albany, Indiana” – as it’s called by the people writing this post – has a lot to offer tourists visiting the area:

Churchill Downs – It’s the home of the Kentucky Derby and the training grounds for Elmer’s Multi-Purpose Glue Sticks.

Fourth Street Live! – Louisville’s premier downtown bar and nightlife scene. It is here where you can find the world’s largest surplus of Tapout and Ed Hardy clothing (TJ Maxx line, of course) and the second largest collection of venereal diseases outside of the CDC.

Louisville Slugger Museum – Provides guests with the chance to experiment with wood of various shapes, ages, sizes, and colors

Porcini’s Italian Restaurant – (See Louisville Slugger Museum)

Notable Alumni

James Patterson – Co-founder of Long John Silvers, Rally’s and Chi-Chi’s restaurant chains. His businesses have provided part-time employment opportunities for hundreds of former Louisville Cardinal athletes who – like the NCAA ad says – are going pro in something other the sports.

Perrin Johnson – Perrin Johnson is a weekly co-host on the Emmy-nominated sports show, KSTV. His basketball insight, smooth delivery, and ridiculous swag is unparalleled in all of television.

Johnny Unitas – Unitas is an NFL Hall of Fame quarterback and his #16 is the only jersey retired at Louisville. A statue of Johnny Unitas sits in the north end zone of Papa John’s Cardinal Stadium. It is tradition for each Cardinal player to touch the statue as he enters the field. At the end of each season, Louisville Metro Police seize the statue to collect fingerprints for a crime-solving database.

David A. Jones – Co-founder and CEO of Humana Healthcare. Jones’ company provides healthcare for over 11.5 million people across the United States. Jones takes pride in supplying coverage for the middle class, as evident by Humana’s motto — “Humana: Because not everyone has three grand in cash sitting around in an envelope to pay for unexpected medical procedures.”

Mascot: Cardinal Bird

The Cardinal was chosen as the mascot for the University of Louisville in 1913. Cardinals are known for their strong, indestructible bills, and that toughness is echoed by Louisville’s fanbase in how they wear the bills of their fitted hats.

The school colors – cardinal red, black and white – were adopted at the suggestion of Mrs. John L. Patterson. According to Louisville’s website, in printing terms, the U of L color for red is PMS 485. That explains why Cardinals fans are always bitching and moaning.

“L’s Up!”

Louisville’s hand gesture is made by extending the thumb and index fingers, leaving the other fingers closed to create the letter L. It was made popular as a symbol for “loser” and was later adopted by Louisville fans because… I don’t know why they did it. I don’t know why Louisville fans do half the stuff they do. We just roll with it. It’s a whole ‘nother breed of people in Card Nation. We’re talking about the same group of people who wear chicken buckets on their heads. Let ’em go.

The hand gesture is also used in the logo for Glee, which isn’t any better.

Cheerleader Scouting Report


Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

Coaching Staff

Charlie Strong, Head Coach

Strong is in his second season as head coach of the Cardinals. He came to Louisville from Florida where he spent seven seasons as the defensive coordinator for the Gators. For four of those seasons, Strong was in charge of holding down a live goat in the locker room while Tim Tebow sacrificed it and drank its blood in his pre-game routine. Strong and Joker Phillips coached together at South Carolina in 2002 under Lou Holtz (the real one, not the fake one).

Clint Hurtt, Recruiting Coordinator

Hurtt was named ESPN’s College Football Recruiter of the Year last season for the fine work he did with the Cardinals. Coach Hurtt is known for his strong relationships with many of Florida’s top athletes because his recruiting philosophy is very unique and appealing to the recruits. His recruiting style is very similar to a DJ Khaled music video in that it include lots of cash, bottles, yachts, and hoes. “I’m gettin’ so throwed… I ain’t went this hard since I was 18…”

David Borbely, Offensive Line

I’m 99% sure that guy in the picture came to my middle school and did a magic show. I think I remember him taking a sword to the neck and then singing Hit Me Baby One More Time or some other song that was popular at the time. Tomorrow, his offensive line will need all of his wizardry to keep the Dreaded Duo out of the backfield.

That guy terrifies me. I bet the staircase in his house moves with him as he walks and the chandeliers are powered by fairy dust and lost souls.

Key Players To Watch

#4 Will Stein, QB
(30-43 349 yds, 2 TDs, 1 INT vs. FIU)

Stein is the son of a former Wildcat and he grew up dreaming of starting for Kentucky. Somewhere along the way, things changed and now he says he bleeds red through and through. That’s probably because he didn’t stand a chance of playing at Kentucky as a walk-on behind two highly-touted recruits. So the quarterback – whose size and stature is similar to a large chess piece or a golden retriever – is what we like to call a Benedict Arnold.

#20 Victor Anderson, RB
(13 carries, 29 yds vs. FIU)

Victor Anderson had a breakout freshman season for the Cards in 2008 but the senior ball carrier hasn’t done a lot since. Don’t expect much out of him tomorrow, either. Like my great grandfather always said, two sets of dreadlocks are better than one. Guy and Trevathan are going to be all over this guy.

#11 Josh Chichester, TE
(6 rec, 111 yards vs. FIU)

The 39-year-old, 6-foot-8 tight end seems like he has been at Louisville forever. He was recruited by Frank Camp and Lee Corso and he had his best pass catching season under Howard Schnellenberger. The original photo from when Chichester announced his decision to play for the Louisville Collegiate Institution is on display in the U of L Athletics museum. It was taken with one of those cameras that makes the loud noise and shatters the bulb. He’s old, get it? Ok, good. Let’s move on…

#5 Teddy Bridgewater, QB
(3 watches, 6 steak dinners, 2 Range Rovers)

Teddy Bridgewater is a Miami kid that came to Louisville because of Clint Hurtt. He’s unbelievably talented but he’ll likely have to sit out against Kentucky after suffering a concussion in a car accident over the weekend. While pulling into the parking lot of the practice facility, Bridgewater’s Range Rover collided with Andrew Johnson’s Hummer and then went sliding into Charles Gaines’ Lincoln Navigator. All three freshmen suffered minor injuries but the rims and fishtanks on all three vehicles will have to be replaced.


Kentucky moves to 3-0 on the season and we all paint the town hammered tomorrow night.

Cats 23, Cards 17

If Kentucky loses, I’m going off the grid for at least six months.

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR

23 Comments for They Are Who We Thought They Were: Louisville Cardinals

  1. Jimtown Catfan
    5:06 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    Drew well done again. You nailed it with the description of Boberly, the O-Line coach. The dude is bizarre looking!

  2. The Seed
    5:11 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    Posts like this are the reason why I read KSR everyday. Cheers, Drew.

  3. Mudcat
    5:18 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    Borbely moonlights as Emporer Ming. His offensive line will conquer the universe one day.

  4. Will Stein
    5:19 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    Wow, let’s make fun of a lifelong CATS fan for choosing to go to U of L to pursue a college football career. I’d imagine playing college football would be cooler than, say, I don’t know, writing less than mediocre jokes for a mediocre blog.

  5. Cats Roll
    5:26 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    Wow Will, why would the starting QB for the high flying cards be reading a mediocre blog the day before the Big Game! Not much going on in Loserville? Cats roll big time and Will will picking himself off the ground alnight! GBB!!!

  6. Will Stein
    5:28 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    Because I’m a CATS fan, duh.

  7. CaliUKFan
    5:28 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    lol @ First 48, that’s my new obsession

  8. duh
    5:28 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    #4 bitter…at best. louisville fan? i think so. Go gats, go KSR, go America.

  9. SexnNursinHomes
    5:31 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    4- stfu


  10. shields eyes
    5:38 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    Gold, Jerry, Gold!

  11. Cats Roll
    5:44 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    Well Will glad to hear it but after tomorrow night I dont think your going to love the Cats with the beating they are going to put on you, DUH! GBB!!!

  12. SNL
    6:29 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    The male cheerleader reminds me of the old Saturday night live Mango.

  13. Stevie Janowski
    6:35 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    I think we can expect a good showing from victor. His sophomore year he torched us before his injury that slowed him that year and the next. now that hes healthy im expecting a good showing from him

  14. BlueMark
    7:02 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    I can think of some better pictures for the cheerleader scouting report.

  15. JoeBHallfanclub
    7:17 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    Maybe we can run the Cards back to the ville so they can stop playing football and start working on that bridge that spans the Ohio River to Indiana!!! A die hard UK Fan from Monkey’s Eyebrow – GO CATS!!

  16. UKblue
    8:40 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    Excellent work, Drew. I literally lol’ed at the Borbely comments.

  17. Becca Manns
    8:57 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    You chose those two to represent Louisville cheerleaders? I’ve got better pics than that…

  18. chiggins
    10:00 pm September 16, 2011 Permalink

    Borbely looks like wax museum version of Jack Nicholson’s child with Anton Lavey

  19. tyson
    1:58 am September 17, 2011 Permalink

    excellent job Mr. Franklin.

  20. JDaws
    2:23 am September 17, 2011 Permalink

    Borberly’s eye brows \ / ha ha ha ha in a deep boberly voice.

  21. UK Student
    2:38 am September 17, 2011 Permalink

    Watch out for DeVante Parker. I’ve seen that kid in action multiple times and he’s good. Cats will win. Go Big Blue.

  22. uk3k
    10:42 am September 17, 2011 Permalink

    haha, this is great

  23. uk3k
    10:49 am September 17, 2011 Permalink

    i like the unitas staue part, brilliant