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They Are Who We Thought They Were: England

TAWWTTAW has returned for this summer’s World Cup Games.  I will preview Amurrica’s World Cup opponents all the way up to the title game – hopefully without starting a World War in the process.  We begin the quest for the Cup with England…  They are who we thought they were.


A country that brought us The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Who, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Queen, The Office, Harry Potter, Charles Dickens, and Morakinyo “Member” Williams.  The people of England spend their days drinking tea, hanging out in red telephone booths, and not brushing their teeth.


Well, England.  It’s located in the United Kingdom, which is an area of Western Europe that I still don’t understand.


The area that is now known as England was inhabited by Neanderthals some 230,000 years ago.  They did a bunch of B.C. stuff back then like throwing rocks, living in caves, and wearing animal skin.  Many years later, they invented boats and domesticated dogs and and built the Stongehenge.  Then some other monumental events happened, like fighting with the Romans and Vikings, converting to Christianity, and following a bunch of different guys named Henry, Richard, and Edward.  Then a guy who looked a lot like Russell Crowe (or Kevin Costner) started stealing from the rich and giving to the poor while shooting arrows with unbelievable precision.  Sometimes he would even light the arrowheads on fire for dramatic effect, but that’s neither here nor there.  More stuff happened over the next few hundred years, none of it as cool as Robin Hood, until England eventually started producing hot women and the double decker bus.  And that’s pretty much it.  It’s really just a glorified Robin Hood story.

Notable Englishmen

Robert Pattinson – The only guy not named Bryan the Intern to win the hearts of every 15 year old girl in the world.  Pattinson starred in Twilight and Harry Potter.  He’s like a Super Jonas Brother.

Reginald Kenneth Dwight – also known as Sir Elton John.  Elton John has sold more than 250 million records, which is second to Michael Jackson’s 750 million for the most albums sold by a homosexual.  My favorites are the songs from Lion King, “Ghetto Gospel” ft. Tupac, and that “Hold me closer, Tony Danza” song.  FABULOUS!

— Seal – You probably know Seal as that guy who sang the Batman song.  Or the burnt guy.  Either one works.  But to me, Seal is the definition of a guy who outkicked his punt coverage.  His wife, Heidi Klum, is WAY out of his league.  You could say Seal outkicked his coverage and downed the ball inside the two. Good for you, man.  Good for you.

— Hugh Grant – Grant is a famous actor known for his roles in movies such as… ummmm…. I got nothing.  More notably, he was arrested for receiving 6o bucks worth of “companionship” by this classy street merchant on Sunset Strip.  The man has no shame.

— Amy Winehouse – Rick James said it best – “Cocaine is hell of a drug.”

Key Players To Watch

Rio Ferdinand, Defender

Ferdinand, a team captain, was injured within 36 hours of arriving in South Africa and will miss the World Cup.  I hate that for him.

Wayne Rooney, Striker

Wayne Rooney is one of the best footballers in the world.  If he plays well, England wins.  The best play for the U.S. is to try to get under the temperamental striker’s skin and bait him into an ejection.  Rooney has already been warned about his foul mouth by World Cup officials after dropping “f-bombs” towards a referee in England’s warmup game earlier this week.

Abbey Clancy, Striker Peter Crouch’s Girlfriend

Peter Crouch is the 9-foot tall striker for England.  Abbey Clancy is his girlfriend.  Google her.


The U.S.A. will pull off the upset in what some have called the most anticipated soccer/football game ever.  Landon Donovan and Jozy Altidore will score for America while keeper Tim Howard holds England to one goal.  Back here in the States, everyone celebrates in the streets and pretends to care about the sport for one day.

England – 1, Amurrica – 2

“Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.”  –  The People’s Champion, The Shelby Sensation, The Reverse Apache Master

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR