I only have about thirty minutes to write this so we’re going to fly through it with little research. What I write may not be 100% fact, but I truly believe all of it deep down in my heart. So let’s do this. C’mon! Hurry!
Central Michigan University
Central Michigan University is a university in central Michigan. It has classes, books, a library, dorms, professors, students, and a Qdoba or a Five Guys conveniently located somewhere on campus. The university enrolls somewhere between 10,000 and 30,000 students and all of them absolutely hate their lives because they are in the middle of Michigan.
CMU occasionally pops up on Playboy’s Top 25 Party Schools list. It was voted No. 19 in 2007 and No. 16 in 1987. That makes me wonder if a bunch of freshmen got pregnant in ’87 and sent their children to Central Michigan to continue the family tradition. I’ll have one of the interns look into that.
Location: In the middle of Michigan
If you hold your right hand up like it’s in an oven mitt, with the back of your hand facing outward, Central Michigan University is located somewhere in the middle of your palm. Like where you would place a chewing gum wrapper if a bum had his hand out asking for change. Right smack dab in the middle.
No, Stonecold Steve Austin, the other hand. That’s backwards Michigan.
Jeff Daniels – “What’s the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?”… “No. It was a girl.”
George “The Animal” Steele – The Hall of Fame pro wrestler earned a Master’s Degree at Central Michigan
Chris Kaman – The ugliest player in the NBA not named Joakim Noah.
Amy Roloff – The mom on Little People, Big World
Tom Crean – Indiana’s head basketball coach. I think. Does Indiana still have a basketball team?
“Thunder” Dan Majerle – The man.
Cheerleader Scouting Report
What the $%&* is a Chippewa?
The Chippewas are one of the largest Native American tribes north of Mexico. The university was placed on the NCAA’s list of schools with “hostile or abusive” nicknames in August 2005, but appealed the decision with the support of the Saginaw Chippewa Indian Tribe.
According to Tim McGraw, a Chippewa is a one of a kind.
Head Coach, Dan Enos
Dan Enos is in his second season as head coach of the Chippewas. If he’s anything like CMU’s last two coaches, he’ll be coaching at Cincinnati in a few years. And no, I won’t point out that his name rhymes with penis.
Key Players To Watch
#8 Ryan LeRadcliff, QB
(14-27, 168, 2 TDs, 2 INTs vs. South Carolina State)
LeRadcliff is in his second season as quarterback of CMU. He chose the Chippewas over Bozeman Community College in Montana. His major is bath sciences.
#28 Dennis Nalor, DB
Nalor is a player to watch for because I asked Beisner to close his eyes and point at a random name on the roster. Beisner says, “Nalor? Just don’t tell my wife.”
#8 Richie Hogan, K
Richie Hogan is the only kicker in D-I football to have grown up in a two father household. Hogan’s dads are award-winning pianists in Wisconsin and he credits them for his finesse and dainty kicking approach. His favorite athlete is Rey Mysterio Jr.
Kentucky 24, Central Michigan 7