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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

They Are Who We Thought They Were: Alabama Crimson Tide

Wow, why didn’t anyone remind me?  We almost went into a game day without knowing who Kentucky is playing!  Sorry for leaving you waiting, I know you look forward to this every Friday.  I apologize in advance for this edition’s lack of in-depth knowledge, stats, insight, and immature humor but I’m going to hurry through it so I can get ready for some KSR cornhole action (sorry, not that kind Fake Gimel.)  So here it is… Alabama, they are who we thought they were… 

The University of Alabama Football Program

The University of Alabama is one of the most storied and decorated programs in NCAA history.  Since beginning play in 1892, the program has claimed 12 national championships and its seven consensus national championships rank second only to Notre Dame’s eight.  Despite multiple national champions, no player for the program has ever received a Heisman Trophy, the closest coming in 1993 when David Palmer finished third in the voting.  Alabama currently holds a 34-2-1 head-to-head record against Kentucky.  Basically, they are better than us.

Cheerleader Scouting Report

(From left to right: Sally, Babs, Wendy, Sharon, Judy)

The Crimson Tide cheerleaders are not your typical Alabama girls, they have a little more class.  By that I mean, they wear shoes, fix their hair and spit their tobacco into a Coke can.  Other than that, they’re just another fist fightin’, denim wearin’, overhand throwin’, country music lovin’ girl from the south.   

Head Coach, Nicky Saban


Things have changed since the last time we saw Nick Saban at Commonwealth.  He has really let himself go.  It all started when he traded in the purple and gold of the bayou for the Miami club scene.  He took over as the head of an unsuccessful club, with the task of getting them back on top.  But, the glitz, the glam, the yachts, the Will Smith records, and the butter pecan women of the Magic City proved to be too much for Nicky, and he high tailed it out of there after just two short years.  Now, he’s in his third year in the great state of Alabama.  As you can see, he’s grown his hair out, bought a pickup truck, and truly accepted Bama livin’.  Tomorrow, he’ll be bringing the nation’s #3 football team into Commonwealth, and yes, the “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Sideline” policy will be in full affect.

Key Players To Watch

— #95 Brandon “Benedict” Deaderick, DE
Brandon Deaderick had a tough decision in his senior year at Elizabethtown High School in Kentucky – play for the home-state Kentucky Wildcats, or take the briefcase of cash in Tuscaloosa.  Well unlike E-town teammate Zipp Duncan, Deaderick chose to take the money, and for that, he is dead to me.  Tomorrow, Brandon will go head to head with his old buddy on the line, and Zipp will prove he is the better man.  Just as he did in the third grade, when he made out with Brandon’s first girlfriend, Lisa Cooper, behind the jungle gym at Elizabethown Elementary.

— #8 Julio Jones, WR
Julio Jones is a big bodied receiver with great hands and breakaway speed.  He is considered one of the best receivers in the nation and he’s been compared to Michael Irvin, Larry Fitzgerald, and Terrell Owens.  Trevard Lindley doesn’t care. 

— #18 Rod Woodson, DB
Rod is entering his first season at Bama after a Hall of Fame NFL career where he was an 11 time Pro Bowl selection, Super Bowl Champion, 1993 Defensive Player of the Year, and a member of the 1990s All Decade team.  Woodson is listed on the official Alabama roster as freshman defensive back from Olive Branch, Mississippi.  I’m not quite sure how he is eligible to play NCAA football but there is a silent rule that says never question Nick Saban’s recruiting. 

— #44 Forrest Gump, KR
Gump is a former All-American kick returner for the Crimson Tide. They say he can run like the wind blows.

The Final Word / Prediction

Let’s face it, Alabama is good.  Everyone is picking them to whoop up on the Cats, and while I respect everyone’s opinions, they are wrong.  Here is what’s going to happen, bank on it:

– Kentucky wins the coin toss (tails was the call) and elects to receive
– UK’s offense starts off slow, putting up only three points in the first half
– Alabama scores early on a long drive capped off with a 4 yard rushing TD, and adds a field goal right before intermission
– The teams go into the half with a 10-3 score
– In the locker room, Mike Hartline reads the message boards while shooting well tequilla (his favorite) and drinking a Bud Ice. He comes out fueled and throws for 717 yards and six scores in the second half
– Taylor Wyndham plays Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot with McElroy while upping his kill count to 17. He is upgraded to Assassin
– Micah Johnson’s turf toe continues to hold him back, so he rips off the nagging toe and chucks it into the crowd. It lands in BTI’s Diet Coke.
– Trevard Lindley hauls in more receptions than Julio Jones. He returns three of the four picks for touchdowns. Julio Jones returns to his native Mexico to pursue standup comedy.
– The north goalpost comes down. Not by the crowd, but after John Conner collides with it after a four yard rushing score.
– The final horn sounds. Hartline removes his helmet and the quarterback is revealed to be Tim Couch.
– Kentucky wins 81 – 20

But seriously…

Alabama 38, Kentucky 17 (sorry)

Article written by Drew Franklin

I can recite every line from Forrest Gump, blindfolded. Follow me on Twitter: @DrewFranklinKSR