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The World Cup Countries: The First 16

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Do you have World Cup Fever? I actually do but I am sure many of you do not. But even if you dont like soccer, the World Cup can be a teaching tool. For instance, you can learn about the countries that are involved in the Cup. I am of course known for my knowledge of countries and thus without any formal “research” or “sources”, I have decided to give you, the KSR fans, a look at the countries involved in this year’s event. Without further ado:

Group A:

South Africa: The host country and the first African country to ever host the World Cup. Fun Fact: Its two most famous citizens, Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon, ended racism just last year.

Mexico: Our friendly neighbors who live to the South or (depending on your political point of view) in Arizona. Primary export today seems to be murders ordered by drug kingpins.

Uruguay: In South America along with its sister country, Paraguay. One of these two is the “only landlocked country in South America.” I cant ever remember which one, so I stay away from both.

France: Universally hated and smelly. France is in Europe and is known for its wine and its President Sarkozy. He is handsome, married to an underwear model and speaks five languages. Be nice or he will take your wife.

Group B

North Korea: Part of George W Bush’s “Axis of Evil”, North Korea is really a mysterious place ruled by a crazy leader. Kim Jong Il once claimed to shoot an 18 for a round of golf and he still believes Pat Forde is a “top-notch journalist.”

Greece: Our Greek friends are best known for now having an economy so poor it is bringing down the rest of the World. Their main exports are “unshaven sketchy men with long hair filled with gel.” You have been warned.

Argentina: Long known for its soccer tradition, Argentina is coached by its coked-up former star Diego Maradona. To Americans, it is best known as “the country where Madonna was President in that one movie.”

Nigeria: When I was in college, I read the “Economist” (chicks dug it) and saw that an election had taken place in Nigeria. A kid from Nigeria lived on my hall so the next time I saw him I said, “I read where Obusko won the Nigerian President election.” He looked at me with disgust and said, “figures you would like him.” Since then I have vowed away from Nigerian politics in life and on this blog.

Group C

England: Our British brothers are ready for World Cup disappointment again, with the only question being how painful the heartache will be. Little known fact: you have never seen an attractive British woman in person…unless you have happened to run into Victoria Beckham on the street, you know I am right.

USA: We Americans are ready to take on the world with our best chance of World Cup success ever. No one knows who is on our team, but that wont stop our passion. We play England on Saturday, which is also Drew Franklin’s birthday. I worry about Morakinyo Williams’ safety if we win.

Slovenia: Allegedly a different country than Slovakia, but I have seen no proof. Honestly I know nothing about Slovenia and couldnt even tell you what part of the world it is in. I will guess close to Russia, which means it is always cloudy, everything is made of stone and the people look like Borat. Its #1 export is pain.

Algeria: A country we can all support, as it is constantly battling France. “The Battle of Algiers” is a great movie and the best depiction of a colonial nation fighting for freedom. It was a huge upset for Algeria to make it this far and their goal for the Cup is to injure at least 25 French while in South Africa.

Group D

Serbia: Remember we fought that war in Bosnia and Kosovo? I believe it was against Serbia but no one has ever really cleared it up for me. Slobodan Milosovic was the President and I think we got rid of him, and if so then things are better. There is your “Foreign Affairs under Bill Clinton’s Presidency” summary.

Ghana: This small country has become the power of African soccer, qualifying for its second World Cup. “The Black Stars” are known for their passing brand of soccer, quick goal-scoring ability and hatred for Jerry Tipton, after his infamous “How did Kwadwo Asamoah pay for that car” piece in the Ghana Today. They are not on speaking terms.

Germany: Unfortunately for Germany, when the country is mentioned, you immediately think of its worst leader. That isnt fair. Would UK like it if everytime we were mentioned you thought Billy Clyde, or if everytime “Saved by the Bell” was spoken of, you thought Tori? So instead of Hitler, focus on Boris Becker…he was good.

Australia: If you have ever known anyone who has been to Australia, all they will ever say is “Australia is SOOOO wonderful, you must go.” The problem is that its approximately 85 hours away by plane. Most everyone who has come to America from Australia has been odd, like Crocodile Dundee, The Crocodile Hunter and Greg “Crocodile” Norman. The country was created as a place for England to send all of its criminals, in other words similar to how we created the Tennessee Athletics program.

Thats all for now…we will do the next 16 later (or potentially never)

Article written by Matt Jones