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The Triumphant Return of Jonathan Lee Riches

Their already having tough times in Big D. We all know that Asn Ki’s career is dying (see below if confused), Pac Man is coming to make it rain, T.O. is popping in on porn shoots, Josh Howard is smoking the wacky backy and now Jonathon Lee Riches, a guy you don’t want to receive a jail letter from, has aimed his potent ire directly on Mark Cuban and Dirk Nowitzki. You might remember Riches as the guy who sued George Bush. And Michael Vick. And Britney Spears. And Paris Hilton. And…well, you get the point.

Now, according to this story I originally saw over at Deadspin, he’s doing what many of us would love to do by suing Mark Cuban for $30 million over what he calls a “missile crisis on his civil rights”.  I’m not really sure what that means exactly, but I’ll let Mr. Riches explain in a manner more confusing and beautiful than the way Tracy Morgan conveyed his love to Britney Spears.

Riches writes:

Mark Cuban is getting Nowitzki and german soldiers for the Mark Cuban missle crisis on federal inmates, me in general. I’m in solitary confinement in Ft. Williamsburg.  I have no access to proper recreation. Defendant’s bounce basketballs outside my cell all night to tease me. Nowitzki is sending me to Nuremburg trials, because I know the Mavericks bet on basketball games.  Also, Mr. Cuban has secret ties with Broadcast.com execs and Al-Jezzera TV.  They plan to shoot be in Dallas because my initials are J.R.  If you spell Dallas backwards it says SaLaD. I’m not being fed right in solitary.  I’m being burnt with Cuban cigars.  Dirk is a big jerk!  I seek a restraining order from defendants to stop Mavericks basketball for the 2008 season.

Respectfully submitted: Jonathan Lee Riches

Hmmm. I don’t even know, man. I really just don’t know. I guess we’ll just leave it at that.

Article written by Thomas Beisner