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The Schedule for Reopening Day at Commonwealth Stadium


Hello, friends. You’re looking well. What is that, crushed velour? It’s very nice. Though I can’t help noticing it’s making you sweat a lot. Too much, really. Do you need medical attention? You probably shouldn’t wear that material this time of year. Live and learn, I guess! Seriously, though, I think you may have heat stroke.

Friends, if you are as excited as I am about the new UK football season, it means you are a lot excited about the new UK football season, because that is my current level of excitement. You, like me, can’t wait to see the new team take the field for the 2015 season and find ouit what they’re made of. You’re likely also eagerly anticipating the unveiling of the reinvention of Commonwealth Stadium, something we’ve followed very closely on this very site. Opening day — Kentucky’s debut against Louisiana-Lafayette — will also serve as a grand re-opening of the facility itself and an elaborate schedule of events has been planned for that day. If you’re planning on attending, please see the schedule of the day’s events below.


10:30 a.m.

Tailgating at designated lot (as dictated by parking pass). Food, beverages served.

3 p.m. — 4 p.m.

A live concert featuring Women’s Hoops coach Matthew Mitchell’s band Matthew Mitchell and the Go Big Blue Band.

4 p.m — 4:45 p.m.

Sundy Best, a popular country music musical act founded by Kentucky natives, performs a free concert near Gate 1 of the Stadium. Fireball shots.

4:20 p.m. — 4:23 p.m.

Play “These Days!” These Days! THEEEEEEESE DAAAAAAAYS! They can hear me.

4:28 p.m.

This is “These Days!” This is my song! No, wait it’s not. PLAY THESE DAYS!

4:45-4:57 p.m.

The concert breaks as the UK Football Players perform the traditional “Cat Walk” to the stadium. Flasks refilled.

4:49-5:01 p.m.

Stand in line at the bank of portable toilets nearest Nicholasville Road. Be pleasantly surprised that they’re not that bad yet, but all you had to do was pee.

5:02 p.m. -5:30 p.m.

Sundy Best concert resumes. Approximately 13% of male shirts come off. Bud Light in a plastic cup.

5:33 p.m. — 5:51 p.m.

Look for Troy. Where is Troy? Here’s his shirt.

5:52 p.m. — 5:55 p.m.

Troy is talking to a security guard. He thinks he can get you in to party with Sundy Best. The security guard says to get your friend under control.

5:57 p.m. — 6:15

Lizanne throws shade at Kelsey because she knows Kelsey wants to get with John David and John David has a girlfriend who goes to Western. Also, upside-down margaritas.

6:15 p.m. — 6:19 p.m.

Makers & Diet. Hey play that Luke Bryan song. Not that one the other one. No. Yeah that one. Brianna, listen to this song it’s like a song about you. Brianna! Brianna, listen to this. Are you listening?

6:23 p.m.

What did Shane say about me? What did he say about me?

6:24 p.m. -6:30 p.m.

Shane you don’t know me! You don’t know anything about me. I don’t care what you think about me but you keep my name out your mouth. I said KEEP MY NAME OUT YOUR MOUTH.

6:30 p.m. -6:37 p.m.

You guys Troy’s hurt he fell into the grill.

6:39 p.m.

Hey that sounds like a choir made up of 120 singers from each of Kentucky’s counties all singing the national anthem together do you hear that? We need to get to the game. But first, a shot of this bourbon. Man, that’s nice singing.



6:47 p.m. — 6: 50 p.m.

Oh my god you guys do you see those parachuting men flying down onto the field what is going on everybody this is freaking me out we gotta get out of here

6:55 p.m.

I’m going to just take a quick nap in this portable toilet. Surprisingly, they’re not that bad. All it is is pee.

7:00 p.m.


Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

7 Comments for The Schedule for Reopening Day at Commonwealth Stadium

  1. Skaggs
    3:23 pm August 28, 2015 Permalink

    Hilarious and witty as always. On the more serious note, will one of you sycophants tell Matt that he has no chance of winning an election for Congress. Central Kentucky will not elect a San Francisco liberal.

  2. Radioshack Carl
    3:28 pm August 28, 2015 Permalink

    *fart noise*

  3. John David
    4:11 pm August 28, 2015 Permalink

    Yeah boy!

  4. John David
    4:13 pm August 28, 2015 Permalink

    Anyone know where I can get a haircut before kickoff?

    • Sam Boyd
      4:18 pm August 28, 2015 Permalink

      I can help you out as long as you aren’t allergic to dog hair

  5. ha!
    4:53 pm August 28, 2015 Permalink

    “I SAID KEEP MY NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH” made me laugh out loud at work. Oh well, it’s a Friday afternoon….nobody else is working either, right?

  6. Lee
    6:26 pm August 28, 2015 Permalink

    very funny. Tyler, great as usual