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The Real Mock Draft

It is that time of year again. Along with March Madness, the Kentucky Derby, Daytona 500 and the newest season of Real World/Road Rules Challenge, the NBA Draft represents one of the best annual occurrences that gets my juices flowing. Watching all of the young men in the gaudy suits, with their mommas cryin, their girls counting money and their entourages thuggin, makes me reach a level of happiness that other days just cannot match. Each year there are some normalities: Dick Vitale will rant that a four year college guy didnt get picked, David Stern will hold a goofy grin on his face and tell players to look into the camera before he has them killed and some foreign player’s post-selection interview will make me spit up my cereal. And sometimes you get the moments to remember such as when Charles Barkley said that he didnt know anything about Tony Parker, “but he must be good because San Antonio picked him”, Rashard Lewis crying in the green room as he dropped into the second round or Quinn Snyder staring into the camera for hours looking like a lost deer with glistening hair, the draft never disappoints.

As part of draft tradition, most sites do a mock draft where they pick where people will go. We here at KSR Radio decided, it was time for such an event here. So here it is, truly a “mock” draft, spread over the next couple of days.

1. Toronto Raptors — Andrea Bargnani Italy

So apparently this guy is going to be the first pick. Exactly what the NBA needs…. a tall, lean white guy who is from Europe, has a name that no one can pronounce but that everyone says has tremendous “upside”. Way to go after the average fan, NBA. Those who have seen him (and I bet Greg Hoover claims to be one of them) suggest that he possesses as good an offensive game as can be found in the draft. He apparently can go inside and outside and unlike Darko, has the ability to pierce his ears without giving himself any infections. According to the experts he is from Italy, which judging by their World Cup Team, means that he is is whiny, unshaven and likes to take dives. The Raptors are certain to take him with this pick, as their two best players, Chris Bosh and Charlie Villanueva, both not only play the same position, but have similar types of games as Bargnini. With this pick, the Raptors will continue their descent into obscurity and their march towards the inevitable move to Las Vegas.

2. Chicago Bulls — Lamarcus Aldridge Texas

With the second pick of the draft, the Chicago Bulls will take another step towards respectability by taking Center, Lamarcus Aldridge of Texas. When not underachieving or signing a young kid’s stomach, Aldridge is reported to have a strong low post game, although his last season at Texas was generally seen as a bit of a disappointment. Aldridge was at times considered a possible number one pick, but a sketchy work ethic and his decision to be born in America where scouts could actually see him play, caused him to fall behind Bargnini. The Bulls hope to use Aldridge to up the handsomeness quotient of the team, a stat that is in dire need of support after the recent picks of Kurt Hinrich and Chris Duhon. Interesting Fact: Due to his affinity for the TeleTubbies, Aldridge likes to go by the nickname “La La”.

3. Charlotte Bobcats — Brandon Roy Washington

With the third pick of the draft, I am going to predict that the Charlotte Bobcats will bend their “we only pick North Carolina players” policy to take Brandon Roy, the slick point guard out of Washington. Entering the draft season, Roy was a bit of an afterthought, but he has been able to move up the draft boards recently, in large part because scouts have finally figured out that he is actually a different person than Nate Robinson. While he is not purported to be quite as awesome as the Japanese pop duo “Brandon and Roy” who are seen above, Roy was able to lead the Washington Huskies to one of their best season two years ago when they went into the NCAA Tournament as the worst number 1 seed in history. Roy will be a good fit for the Bobcats, at least until March, when new part owner Michael Jordan will make a comeback and trade him for taking too many shots.

4. Portland Trailblazers — Adam Morrison Gonzaga

It is a difficult selection for the Trailblazers at four. Because this draft is devoid of its usual plethora of felons and this spot is a little too high for JJ Redick, hometown boy Adam Morrison seems to be the logical pick. When not having diabetes, Morrison has shown himself to be a strong, stable young fella. At difficult times in big games, Morrison has rarely been known to break down crying or beat himself in the head with his fist. In fact, often called “Mr. Clutch” for his ability to block out distractions and lead his team to victory, Gonzaga, with its long history of living up to its high rankings in the tournament was a perfect school for Morrison to attend. Shockingly, Morrison has been described as a Larry Bird/Wally Sczerbiak/Tom Chambers/Keith Van Horn/Jud Buechler/Danny Ainge/Dolph Schayes-type player and is often praised for his “craftiness” and ability to “be a leader on the floor.” I look for he and Darius Miles to have a lot in common.

5. Atlanta Hawks — Sheldon Williams Duke

The most bizarre pick of the early draft goes to the most bizarre looking player in the draft, Sheldon Williams. When not being accused of assault or getting away with multiple fouls at the end of close games, Williams has turned into a solid player at Duke, becoming the Devils only go-to threat inside for a number of years. Because Coach K is a leader of men and considers himself more than just a coach, Williams obviously has an advantage over all of the other players in the draft, and comes equipped with all of the lessons that can be absorbed from an American Express spokesmen. He is a perfect fit for the Atlanta Hawks, where he can go play in relative anonymity with a host of players who spend most of the year biding time until Dominique Wilkins Tribute night. Expect Williams to follow the career of fellow Dukie Carlos Boozer….minus of course the backstabbing of a blind man.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves — Tyrus Thomas LSU

Coming in at number 6 is the pick that many assumed would be the first just a month ago, Leapin Tyrus Thomas of LSU. Thomas burst onto the scene this year, helping his Tigers make their first Final 4 in 20 years. When not blocking shots and attempting to overcome John Brady’s miserable coaching, Thomas has been known to excel at the art of having academic difficulties, a talent that cost him one year of eligibility. However none of this will matter very soon when he joins the Minnesota Timberwolves as Kevin Garnett’s heir apparent. Thomas is just like Kevin Garnett, minus the shooting ability, defensive intensity and all-around basketball IQ. However once he joins the Timberwolves and is able to learn from stable teammates like Rashad McCants, I am sure he is destined for success. Tyrus wins my “Most likely to be the bust of the draft” award for 2006.

7. Boston Celtics — Randy Foye Villanova

With the seventh pick, the Boston Celtics are likely to pick one of the more boring players in this year’s draft, Randy Foye. Now why you may ask, is Randy Foye boring? Well why dont you answer this… you know anything about Randy Foye? Thats what I thought. Foye is one of the many nameless guards that played for Villanova last season and his life is totally uninteresting. However he is being drafted by a team with a rich history of winning championships and churning out annoying fans by the boatloads, the Boston Celtics. The Celtics were a disfunctional family last year, in large part because they were coached by Doc “Yes people still keep hiring me” Rivers, who is quickly moving into Isiah Thomas-territory of ineptness. Foye will join the Celtics’ current band of underachievers, a group that has made Celtics’ fans look wistfully back at the good old days of Antoine Walker. Look for Foye to be on the team next year, likely playing cards on the bench with Gerald Green.

8. Houston Rockets — Rudy Gay Connecticut

With the eighth pick the Houston Rockets have decided to look for a player to provide some competition for Tracy McGrady in the category of selfishness and they may have found one in Rudy Gay of UCONN. Gay, who is likely to have the least selling jersey in the league, was a perpetual underacheiver in college and will forever be linked with the Huskie team that tanked in the tournament to George Mason. With Houston, he joins another level of underachievement, following such icons on the subject as McGrady and Jeff Van Gundy. For the Rockets, Gay will be a nice compliment to Yao and will provide yet another mediocre shooter who will not get him the ball.

More later….

Article written by Matt Jones