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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

The Real KOB: Sportsmen Region

Defensive Player of the Year, eh? 

As we said last week, we will attempt to liven up the dull dog-days of summer with a “Real” King of the Bluegrass Tournament.  Thanks to all of those who offered up suggestions last week; you were a tremendous help.  I’d like to point out that this tournament is not completely serious.  If your favorite player or person is left out, realize that this tournament is supposed to be fun and funny.  Further, some of the participants aren’t even people.

The winners will be chosen by a vote: Matt, Beisner and I will have a vote, as well as 3 of your other KSR favorites.  You, the people of KSR, will also vote.  Your pick will only count as one, however.  Isn’t democracy wonderful?  Wait…

Also, Mosley, Tomlin, Intern, and Turkey Hunter will provide analysis for some of the “match-ups.”  You know, the guys with talent. So, without further ado, the first of four brackets: the Sportsmen Region.

(1)  Richie Farmer’s ‘stache – Never has a set of “lip-whiskers” been so recognizable to an entire fan-base.  Icon.   ***It should be noted that Farmer will be accompanied to the ring by Gimel Martinez and his mustache.
(16)  TBA – There is quite a battle for this last spot and will be announced at a later date.  Remember when we said there was no play-in game?  We lied.

(8)  Wayne Turner’s Broken J – Allow me to qualify.  Wayne Turner all but won us a national championship in ’98.  His utter dominance of Wojohoweveryouspellit was legendary.  He made Wojo look like the glorified high school player that he was.  Seriously, though, those free throws of Wayne’s were painful.
(9)  Pat Day – Don’t you want to just pick him up and squeeze him?  Maybe swing him around and toss him in the air?  Oh, just me?  Well he’s still the most recognizable face in the second-most loved sport in Kentucky. 

(5)  Rex Chapman/Travis Ford/John Pelphrey/Other In-state white guys – These three decided to join forces prior to the tournament, uniting three of the most beloved home-grown talents in the state.  Because we have no rules, we could not exclude them or make them split back up.  Richie Farmer’s ‘stache elected to stay independent.
(12)  Brandon Webb – A Cy Young award winner.  No shot in hell to knock off five-seed here.  But, we’ll pretend like he does for the sake of the tournament. 

(4)  Tony Delk – A Kentucky hero, no doubt.  Delk, though, is also the only man I’ve found myself staring at when he had his shirt off.  I saw him in the Atlanta Hawks dressing room a few years ago and the only way I could describe it is “breathtaking”.  The man-sketch on the Bowflex commercial has less muscle definition.
(13)  Jack “Goose” Givens – Dude scored 41 in the title game.  Against Duke.  Extra respect points given for being such a bad man with a nickname that is the complete opposite of intimidating.

(6)  Tim Couch – The guy pretty much epitomizes everything about Kentucky football, from Peewee leagues to the NFL.  And the way I see it, he has NFL money, a Playmate wife and lives in the greatest state in the land.  That alone deserves to be worshipped.  He’s my sleeper to win it all.
(11)  Moe Williams – He was a bad, bad man when he was in the UK backfield.  And then, as a solid NFL running back, he showed the world what it really meant to party on the water.  After retiring, according to Wikipedia, Moe started training thoroughbreds, proving his desire to make a run for The Real KOB.

(3)  Dan Issel – Sure he’s UK’s all-time leading scorer, but the real mystique of this man is found at the end of his arms.  The guy has the largest hands I’ve ever shaken and his grip is so intense, grown men crumble in the palm of his hand.  He’d crush me if he wasn’t in.
(14)  Sam Bowie – I feel like Bowie is about 24 years overdue on catching a break.  Is it his fault the Blazers picked him over Jordan?  Then why do people keep dogging on him?  Besides, he’s the answer to the age-old question of “Who wears short shorts“?

(7)  Jared Lorenzen – He has a Super Bowl ring and is one of the most celebrated quarterbacks in UK history.  But, what gives him a real shot at being the King of the Bluegrass are his hundreds of nicknames – all equally awesome.  Hopefully that whole “Bluegrass Miracle” thing won’t hold him back.
(10)  Kenny Walker – I think Walker’s a little low at a 10 seed and he should get ranked higher just based on cool factor alone.  Like Bowie, Walker rocked the short shorts, but he made them cool as hell.  I get the feeling that everywhere he goes, smooth jazz music follows him.  He also might be a sleeper.

(2)  The UK Cheerleading Squad – This is the most successful program on campus and the one that I’d most like to spoon with.  They’ve won sixteen national titles and broken countless hearts along the way.  Beisner most likely prefers the large men on the squad, but for the purposes of this tournament, we’re just including the ladies.
(15)  Rashaad Carruth – This wild-card enigma didn’t do a whole lot on the court, but he cemented his status as an icon with gold fronts and a haircut Buckwheat would be envious of.  Plus, he’s the only person I’ve ever seen wearing his own McDonald’s All-American jersey around campus.

*Beisner contributed heavily to this post 

Article written by Evan Hilbert