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The Noonday Fix: What’s My Line?

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As I slowly release my grip on the hopes that my baseball futures bets of the Orioles or the Mariners winning the 2007 World Series (they were 50-1 and 75-1, respectively, at the time the cash was laid down), I’m looking for a sure thing. That’s tough to do when one bets for the longrun. Sure, it’s easy to predict that the 7-2 Brewers will take out the 250-1 Reds for the NL Pennant, but gazing into one’s crystal ball for seasons yet to begin takes a considerably greater amount of faith and foresight.

According to www.sportsbook.com, Kentucky’s current odds to win the 2008 NCAA National Championship are 40-1. Depending on what you think of the incoming class, those are decent odds (and if you’re reading this from Vegas, I’d highly recommend placing that bet at the fantastically old school Barbary Coast before its untimely demise, one of the greatest casinos on the strip). In case you’re not a gambling man, you can put that into perspective by realizing that fellow SEC’er Mississippi State’s chances are 200-1, the same as Air Force and Old Dominion. The faves for the NCAA title currently are UCLA (7-1) and North Carolina (11-2).

In Pro Football, those of you with a dedication to the hapless Cincinnati Bengals should know that their chances of winning the AFC North in the upcoming season are 8-5 behind the Raven’s 3-2. But if any of us have learned anything, it’s not to bet on the future of the Bengals right now. Perennial favorites the Patriots are sitting on top of the pile for prospective Super Bowl Champs at an astounding 2-1, backed up by the Chargers at 5-1.

Politically, the odds currently for the Democratic Nominee for President are a tad closer, with Hillary Clinton coming in at an amazing 1-1 with Obama at 3-2; and if you’re betting with the Elephant, John McCain leads the pack at 2-1.

If you’re golfing today, you should know that your chances for a hole in one are 12,750-1, though Tiger Woods’ chances are slightly better at 3,756-1. And tonight, your chances of bowling a 300 game will sit at a rough 11,500-1. Your chances of catching a foul ball at an MLB ballgame are 563-1, which I can only assume is based upon the assumption you’ll be at a major league ballpark.

It should also be noted that various mathematicians whom I can only assume have too much free time have placed your odds of the getting hemorrhoids today at a frightening 25-1 and your odds of being audited by the IRS at 175-1, though — good news! — your odds of getting away with murder are 2-1.

You can breathe easier, however, knowing that your odds of dying from a venomous plant or animal are coming in at 3,441,325-1 and your odds of perishing from ignition of nightwear is 30,589, 556. Death by chainsaw is much more likely at 4,464-1, so get cracking on your New York Times Bestseller (the odds are 220-1). But be careful during your book tour, as the odds of flying with a drunken pilot are calculuated at 117-1.

I should also add that odds of being “considered to be possessed by Satan” are a rather alarming 7,000-1, though if you play your cards right, you have a 20,000,000-1 chance of becoming a saint.

So get out there and start gambling with your lives, people! And remember, you have a far less chance of dying from contact with hot tap water (5,005,564-1) than you do dating a supermodel (88,000-1). And that’s enough to keep any of us going. Enjoy your lunch today, and try not to choke to death (370,035-1).

That is all.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin