None of us would be here were we not sports fans. We wouldn’t convene on this site regularly if we didn’t all love the thrill of the last-minute three pointer or field goal. But what do we do on the odd nights when there’s no interesting game on television? On the nights when there’s no decent basketball, football, baseball, college softball, iron man competition, ninja warrior or slamball to be found? You have to watch network TV.
Because I know you’ll have to, and because it’s Need-to-Know Wednesday, I’ve been poring over the new fall TV schedule — and here’s what I’ve noticed:
8:00 — Viva Laughlin
Hugh Jackman continues to depress everyone who loved Wolverine in X-Men by insisting upon destroying his own reputation. You thought Kate & Leopold was bad? Check out his jazz hands — sans adamantium steel claws — as he sings and dances his way around this monstrosity. Apparently studio execs thought we wanted more Cop Rock. They’re wrong, bub. (CBS).
9:00 — Cold Case
A superhot detective delves into mysteries everyone else has forgotten. First item of business? The case of Hugh Jackman’s missing manhood. (CBS)
9:00 — Desperate Housewives
Will Bree pull the trigger on that gun? Will Edie exact revenge on Carl? Can Lynette discover Gabrielle’s secret? I just made all these up, and I’ll bet you didn’t even know. Because you’re not watching this show anymore. (ABC).
10:00 — Brothers and Sisters
Danny Glover joins the cast this season, only to be tragically impaled by Calista Flockhart’s clavicle at the end of the first episode (spoiler alert!) (ABC)
8:00 — Chuck
Everyday guy Chuck has images locked inside his mind that could kill him. I know how he feels. I saw Edward James Olmos wearing tighty-whities in the movie Selena. (NBC)
8:00 — How I Met Your Mother
In a truck stop bathroom in Jersey. Zing! High five! (CBS)
9:00 — Girlfriends
Holla! He-ey! Oops, I just ruined the season premiere for you. (CW)
9:30 — Samantha Who?
Christina Applegate stars as Samantha Newly, who is hit by a car, develops amnesia, and forgets everything. Finally, a sitcom with a human angle — that angle being that I actually would go through the same sequence of events to avoid this show. (ABC)
10:00 — Journeyman
A San Francisco man continually swept away to witness events of the past. I hope an episode has him watching the episode of Cheers where Cliff goes on Jeopardy. I’d love to see that again. (NBC)
8:00 — NCIS
Mark Harmon returns as head of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service. Wait. Where are you going? No, seriously, this one is different! It takes place in the Navy! On Boats! Don’t go! (CBS)
8:30 — Carpoolers
Jerry O’Connell plays a man who can’t seem to accept the fact that no one cares about anything he’s ever done except Stand By Me. (ABC)
9:30 — The Singing Bee
Joey Fatone prompts a strategically diverse crew of unemployed actors sent over by Central Casting to remember the easiest songs in the world — with hilarious results! (NBC)
8:00 — Pushing Daisies
A young pie-maker finds he can bring the dead to life by touching them. Kudos to ABC for finally tapping into the Christlike pie-maker demographic. (ABC)
8:30 — ‘Til Death
The tall guy from Everybody Loves Raymond faces a new season knee-slapping marital conflicts, which I hope will allow a lot of comical facial expressions (fingers crossed!) (FOX)
9:00 — Kitchen Nightmares
Season opener: Ten-thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. (FOX)
10:00 — CSI: NY
Gary Sinise solves crimes by aggressively frowning. (CBS)
10:00 — Life
That guy that was really good in Band of Brothers stars as a wrongly-accused man freed after years of imprisonment who becomes a police officer. Because, of course, that’s the logical thing to do. (NBC)
8:00 — Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?
A show for Jeff Foxworthy fans. Oh, you thought I meant…? No, I mean, you know, because he hosts. But hey, if the shoe fits. (FOX)
9:00 — Don’t Forget the Lyrics!
I won’t, Wayne Brady! Thanks! (FOX)
9:00 — Grey’s Anatomy
If you don’t watch this show, prepare for another few months of everyone you know telling you “You know, I wasn’t that into it either, and then I watched it, and it’s really good,” without your being able to punch them in the face. (ABC)
10:00 — Big Shots
Four alpha males deal with women, golf and jobs. You could watch this, or you could go see the same thing at Cheapside. At least Cheapside has plenty of beer and food. (ABC)
8:00 — The Next Great American Band
I haven’t seen this show, but I’m willing to bet it’s not. But if anyone can find it, I’m sure it’s Sheila E. and the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls. (FOX)
8:00 — Ghost Whisperer
Dead people talk to Jennifer Love Hewitt — you know, because she’s such a good person, and not because she has massive boobs. (CBS)
10:00 — Numb3rs
If you’re home on a Friday night at ten, you might as well be watching a drama about math. Because it ain’t getting better for you. (CBS)
Hope that helps, folks. Happy viewing.
And now, here’s a little video for your viewing enjoyment. Made me laugh…maybe it’ll do the same for you. Have a good one, friends.
That is all.