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The NBA Draft Lottery: Fantasy Edition

The NBA Draft Lottery went from boring to baller with the news that Jay-Z will be representing the New Jersey Nets at tonight’s festival of ping-pong balls.  And, if you’re a Nets fan, you have be suffering through mixed emotions right now.  I mean, on one hand, it’s pretty weak to have Mr. Beyonce representing your team – even if he is part owner – because he’s showing up at Cavs games on a regular basis and spitting out diss tracks for LeBron.  Is that what you want the face of your franchise doing?  But, on the other hand, the chances that he might actually brush his shoulders off, give a good cackle or throw the diamond up one time if you get the top pick has to make you feel pretty solid.  I don’t think Rod Thorn ever had those kind of moves in him.

But, it kinda got me thinking.  What if every NBA team sent a celebrity or some kind of representative of their city to the lottery?  Wouldn’t that make it more entertaining?  If I had my way, here is who I’d like to see representing each team at this year’s lottery:

Stan Van Gundy, Pat Riley and Erik Spoelstra – The lottery will start with Van Gundy manning the booth and as the teams fall in order and it looks like the Heat will land the top pick, Riley will boot him out of the way. Then, after the third team passes them, ensuring the 4th overall pick, Riley will make a huge production about turning it over to Spoelstra. Riley will then begin plotting how to get things good so he can take over again.

All of Shawn Kemp’s kids that aren’t being recruited by UK – Fan support is really at an all-time low in Seattle right now and the Sonics can create the illusion of a large, passionate fan base by simply inviting the offspring of the Rain Man. I’d like to Shawnk Kemp Jr. to remain away from this though. He should continue reading about how great UK is and practicing post moves.

The guys that seized Latrell Sprewell’s yacht and house – What better way to show that your franchise is ready to finally start making the smart decisions than by inviting the guys who put the final nail in the coffin of one of the worst decisions in the history of decisions? When Sprewell felt that a 3-year contract for $21 million wasn’t enough to feed his family, it set into motion one of the biggest financial spirals this side of MC Hammer. It’s time to get smart in Minnesota and these guys can drive that point home.

Lil’ Penny – Listen, he’s cool as hell. Let’s just get that out of the way. Anyone who snagged Tyra Banks back in her prime has my respect – even if they’re a puppet. Lil’ Penny might even add a little spice to his bigger namesake’s old stomping grounds because, at this point, you’re more likely to see a guy sporting a “Who Got Next?” Lil’ Penny shirt than a Grizz jersey.  Bonus points if he brings a Lil’ Boombox blasting a Lil’ Three 6 Mafia.

New York
David Stern from 1985 – I think this is the first time the Knicks have had a lottery selection since that rigged draft in 1985 that landed them Patrick Ewing. What better way to guarantee good luck than the commish and his retro mustache? The 1985 edition is about the only David Stern model that I can honestly find myself endorsing.

LA Clippers
Pete Carroll – What better way to say “We’re ready to spend whatever it takes to bring a title to L.A.” than with the guy who lives by that motto across town at USC? Take a look at the talent he landed for the Trojans on a college booster budget and then think what he could do under the NBA salary cap. It would be a new era for the Clips.

Bob Uecker – I’d like Uecker to show up in the outfit he was caught wearing recently on a Brewers roadtrip: nothing but shorts out of a 1950’s beach movie, a tan, a hairy chest, and eyes that will melt any woman’s heart. This is a fantasy, after all.

Charlotte Bobcats
An orthopedic surgeon – The Bobcats might as well go ahead and kill two birds with one stone by bringing a guy to the draft that can start preparing for the future injuries that this lottery pick will have throughout his under-achieveing career. Emeka Okafor, Sean May and Adam Morrison will be quietly celebrating somewhere – and most likely pulling a muscle in the process.

Chicago Bulls
Isiah Thomas – This pick actually belongs to the Bulls and was not part of the Eddy Curry trade, but it might as well be. I say the bring in Thomas and let him accept the pick on the Bulls behalf anyway by pretending it belongs to the Knicks and then forcing him to walk over to Jerry Reinsdorf and then get down on a knee and offer up that big cardboard tile like he worships the Chicago basketball gods. It’s not like the Knicks are going to let him get anywhere near their personnel decisions.

Sam Perkins, Chris Mullin and Rik Smits – These three players were very underappreciated by the team when they contribute to the most successful era of Pacers basketball and I can’t see a better way to extend an olive branch and a thank you than inviting them to the lottery. Anyone else who used them on NBA 2K on Sega Dreamcast will share the same sentiment. They might be the most unstoppable inside-outside lineup in the history of video games.

The New Kids on the Block – Apparently, these guys are making a comeback and it’s the biggest news story on the planet. Or so I’ve been told. Honestly, I didn’t know that Sacramento still had an NBA team. They might need this sort of gimmick and you know their me-first, anything-for-face-time, casino owners are definitely down for this. They probably already have tickets to the NKOTB shows. All of them.

Sam Bowie, Bill Walton and a Greg Oden voodoo doll – This pick won’t mean much to Portland unless they defy the odds and jump into the top-3. Oden is basically their main rookie this year and there’s no better way to continue to torment the team of the cursed big man than the two biggest walking injuries plucking at a stuffed version of the big man with old face. Maybe Arvydis Sabonis could make a cameo…but probably not.

Golden State
Chris Tucker and Jesse Jackson – They’ve basically formed a new Rat Pack for the summer of 2008 with Kelenna Azubuike, so they might as well try to bring the Warriors a little luck.  If they’re too busy saving Africa, then I’ll take Jessica Alba solely for the jug factor.

***Just to be fair, I just double-checked some things and found out that the David Stern mustache that I would like to see at my fantasy lottery is from the 1984 draft.  I still would like the wee little commish representing the Knicks.

Article written by Thomas Beisner