Let’s do this thing…
It’s nearly upon us, gentleman. We are only a few short weeks away from that sweet, sweet last Sunday in August that we’ve dreamed about through these long, muggy days of summer. It’s exactly 26 days until the pigskin makes its first regular season appearance for the Cats and, more importantly, it means that tailgating season has officially begun. If you want to assure yourself of an Andre Woodson-like breakout performance this tailgating season, then you need to make sure to follow these rules:
1. If you’re going to drink, then drink like a man Don’t confuse this as me condoning the consumption of mass amounts of alcohol (but if it’s the excuse you are looking for, then feel free). I am simply saying that if you choose to take part in adult libations as part of your pre-game festivities, then make sure you let your testosterone do the decision-making. There will be no drinking of colored beverages such as cranberry and vodkas, margaritas or hootch of any kind. You will drink beer or you will drink bourbon. Hey, feel free to even throw in a little rum now and again, so long as its dark. And when you drink beer, it will not be an import. It will be domestic and it will be heavy. The cheaper the better.
2. Do not treat a tailgate as a fashion show Dude, I dont care how many people told you those plaid pants were cool when they were hanging on the shelf at J. Crew. They aren’t. And they sure as hell aren’t appropriate for a football tailgate. You wear your team colors. If you need to wear a tie for reasons beyond your control (you’re still a pledge you little b***h), then wear some blue for God’s sakes. If you are trying to make a fashion statement at a tailgate, this might not be your kind of get-together. Try soccer.
3. Sunglasses are a must This is the essential part of your tailgating attire, and not because your future is so bright. The fine Kentucky females will be out in full force with their skirts, their short shorts and the only good thing to come of mixing women and sports – the form fitting football jersey. And unless you want to be labeled the perv with the creepy stare, I’d scoop a pair of shades.
4. Man the grill With emphasis on “man”. Grilling out at a tailgate is not necessary, but just like hitting on your sister’s friends, what’s the harm in trying? The most important thing to remember, though, if you decide to undertake such a mission is that you better be serving beef only – preferably in the form of burgers and dogs. No grilled chicken*. No fish. And for God’s sakes Emeril, no grilled veggies. If John Wayne wouldn’t eat it, then it’s not acceptable.
5. Don’t embarrass yourself Even though it might seem cool at the time, that hot chick from your psychology class doesn’t want to hear about how you always find yourself staring at her in class, and she isn’t going to be impressed by you spelling your name on the driveway with your urine. And your friends little sister? Let’s just say she isn’t going to find your vulgar comments charming, especially through your beer burps. So enjoy yourself in moderation and do your best to remain a classy gentleman for the most part. After all, you aren’t a Louisville fan.
*A recent discussion over these rules has resulted in an amendment that grilled chicking will be acceptable as long as you are not the one eating it and it increases your chances of doing the horizontal mambo. No other excuses are accepted.
Please note: These rules are not necessarily the views of anyone associated with this site. Except me. I’ll endorse them…and pray that the others jump on board.