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The Friday Hootenanny: Internet Commenting Tips & Tricks!

older-man-using-computer

Hello, friends. I hope you’re all well on this Hoosier-game eve. As you all are well-aware, we run a very state-of-the art, top-of-the line, cutting edge website around here. And though it’s our jobs to put the content up on the site, it’s just as important for you, the readers, to comment on how we’re doing. As we have new readers to the site each day, we thought it might be prudent today to inform you, the readership, of how you may better use these comment boards for maximum effect in a piece we’d like to call Internet Commenting: Tips & Tricks. We hope you’ll find this helpful, and happy Friday!

——-

I. PICK A GOOD USER NAME. This is key when embarking on your new internet commenting career! It’s not only what others will refer to you as in cyberworld, but it also denotes amusing facets about yourselves. Some tactics to picking a good user name include:

Where you live, and whether you’re a wildcat fan:

PaducahCatFan says:
I’m in Paducah, and you’re right!
or
RussianWildcatUK4Life says:
Я люблю Университета Кентукки!

Your current emotion, as in:

zzzzzz says:
This was really boring
or
sarcastic says:
This is the greatest post ever!

A slam on a current player or television personality you don’t approve of:

SethDavisEatsBoogers says:
We are going to beat North Carolina this year!
or
MorleySaferCanSuckIt says:
Did you guys see that piece on 60 Minutes Sunday! Awful!

—–

II. PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS MAY ONLY BE REFERENCED POSITIVELY. It’s okay to point out a drawback a player may have if you’re saying it’s awesome, but not if you’re saying it’s a bad thing.

Acceptable:
Tony says:
Good thing [a player who only has one leg] only has one leg or he’d have been out of bounds when we made that last second shot to win! #fearthestump

Unacceptable:
Henry says:
[a player who only has one leg] is sooooo slow moving up and down the court! C’mon! #stumpisterrible

—–

III. ALWAYS EVALUATE EVERYTHING YOU SEE. This is very important, as each rating is accounted for in a massive database to judge future posts.

BreakfastLover says:
I give this piece a 6. Meh.
or
MattUKAlum says:
Based on the Winston Standards for Statistical Analysis of Professional Showdogs, that golden retriever is phenomenal!

——

IV. BEAR IN MIND THAT SOME POSTS MAY BE DELETED. This can sometimes happen with comments containing foul or offensive language. A deleted comment moves the number below it up one notch. Keep up to date on the comment section and the assigned numbers to commenters, or you may find yourself in an awkward position, for example:

7. PeanutButterFan says:
What am I going to do with all this [expletive deleted] peanut butter?
8. SteveInOwensboro says:
My wife just had a baby!
9. PhilUKCat says:
#7, You should eat it.

after deletion, the exchange could come across this way:

7. SteveInOwensboro says:
My wife just had a baby!
8. PhilUKCat says:
#7, You you should eat it.

——
V. BE THOROUGH. Don’t just jot something down and throw it out there. Put some thought into your comment before hitting the “post” button. It’ll go a long way!

Svoboda4Three says: If I wanted to hear about [player name’s] knee injury, I’d have majored in biology in undergrad, then attended medical school and performed my residency at a reputable hospital known for its groundbreaking treatment of Osgood-Schlatter disease before taking the boards, passing, getting married and moving my wife and young son to a family-friendly town and opening my own orthopedic practice!!!!!!

———

VI. IF YOU REALLY HATE WHAT YOU’RE READING, KEEP READING IT. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised, and this:

GolfLoverUK says:
I hated the first part, and the second part was crap and so I stopped reading this halfway through

can become this:

GolfLoverUK says:
I hated the first paragraph, and the second part was crap, and the third and fourth parts were the worst thing ever, but that last sentence about my grandmother was the nicest thing anyone has ever said about her! You’re right, my Nana is very special!

——

VII. ABOVE ALL, TRY TO BE POSITIVE. It’s always important to find the silver lining in a post, even if you disapprove.

Wrong:
This is terrible

Right:
This is the most terrible thing EVER!

——–

Remember friends, it’s a big internet out there – now get out there and be a part of it! And above all, happy commenting!

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

33 Comments for The Friday Hootenanny: Internet Commenting Tips & Tricks!



  1. bukowski's beer
    10:38 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Eggs over easy ain’t easy.



  2. boredisraelinosepickingathlete
    10:39 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    the first second and third sentence of this post made me feel glad that a person with one arm could pen something so delightfuly void of coherent facts that i want to cheer on my favorite team forever !



  3. First?
    10:40 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Tomlin, how could you not remember to tell all the fine readers that if you believe you are the first commentor, you must post the obligatory, but nonetheless idiotic and overly emphasized “first.” First!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  4. MIDDAY
    10:43 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    “We used to be the greatest country in the United States.” – G.W. Bush



  5. CzechCatFan
    10:46 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Je dobře, že C.M. Tomlin má jen jednu stranu, nebo tento příspěvek může být dvakrát tak dlouho.



  6. Lovely
    10:47 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    You guys are really bored, aren’t you?



  7. V
    10:53 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    I’m just a letter, so it’s easy for me to be left out.



  8. V
    10:55 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    I must have used foul language in my post. I hope IX doesn’t say something bad about me, or VI will feel confused and enraged.



  9. grosvenor '90
    10:56 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Hoosiernation.com is pretty picky about who they allow to post on their forums……



  10. Kyle
    10:58 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Also when Tomlin writes something you have to say “Brilliant Tomlin!” But seriously, I chuckled a few times on this post. Brilliant Tomlin!



  11. C.M. Tomlin
    11:00 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Good call, #8. Stupid Roman numerals.



  12. Mr.Economy
    11:02 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Primeiramente (which is first in Portuguese!)



  13. ashland cat
    11:04 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Anyone see that thing over there?



  14. RichmondRob
    11:05 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Was this lesson free? Or, am I required to pay tuition? I LOVE websites that come with instructions!



  15. Mr.Economy
    11:06 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Hooisers suga

    Yes, I advice all of you to babelfish translate the above. Hint – it is still Portuguese.



  16. Calipari'sInYourEar
    11:07 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Adendum… Part 2 to Section IV. Posts may be deleted because it will provoke ladies of all ages to laugh at Matt



  17. Uglymuffin
    11:12 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    BTI Sucks…..Is this still accepted?



  18. I Love Uranus
    11:14 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Excellent tips.
    Lot of immature commenters with childish usernames on this site.



  19. JPhelps
    11:18 am December 9, 2011 Permalink

    17. BTI was the worst EVER!!!



  20. epic fail
    12:01 pm December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Please stop posting. I hate u



  21. Ms. Tyler Thompson
    12:09 pm December 9, 2011 Permalink

    I may print this out and put it on my wall at work, right next to my “34 Typographic Sins” poster.



  22. TheNewOriginal
    12:26 pm December 9, 2011 Permalink

    It’s Hoedown, not hootenanny.



  23. Ha!
    12:42 pm December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Thanks for the advise #15



  24. WoogedyBoogie
    12:44 pm December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Creative nickname references allow people to become emotionally attached to your comments as well. In an instant, you are not only likable, but your comment receives consideration for credibility.

    🙂



  25. RidgeRunner
    12:55 pm December 9, 2011 Permalink

    I’m paranoid to post a comment…
    heh?



  26. Mork
    1:01 pm December 9, 2011 Permalink

    And always get really emotionally invested in the opinions of some jagoff that types something you don’t agree with



  27. Go Deep
    1:06 pm December 9, 2011 Permalink

    greatest post ever!



  28. gossie21
    1:09 pm December 9, 2011 Permalink

    So I’m confused, should we or should we not eat babies?



  29. Sales Mangler
    1:23 pm December 9, 2011 Permalink

    Where are the graphs and pie charts? This makes me very uneasy.



  30. Baby Eater
    3:25 pm December 9, 2011 Permalink

    This peanut butter is making me thirsty.



  31. jaaaayyyy
    7:21 pm December 9, 2011 Permalink

    3/10 and obviously in reference to yesterday’s post and the resulting comments

    Still, Go KSR! Love it!



  32. Robukpt
    8:59 pm December 9, 2011 Permalink

    As a physical therapist that was the best osgood-schlatter reference ever



  33. DTra1n
    4:42 am December 10, 2011 Permalink

    After a lot of thinking, I give this post a 7. #30, poor it in your mouth.

    boom.