Hello, friends. I hope you’re all well on this Hoosier-game eve. As you all are well-aware, we run a very state-of-the art, top-of-the line, cutting edge website around here. And though it’s our jobs to put the content up on the site, it’s just as important for you, the readers, to comment on how we’re doing. As we have new readers to the site each day, we thought it might be prudent today to inform you, the readership, of how you may better use these comment boards for maximum effect in a piece we’d like to call Internet Commenting: Tips & Tricks. We hope you’ll find this helpful, and happy Friday!
I. PICK A GOOD USER NAME. This is key when embarking on your new internet commenting career! It’s not only what others will refer to you as in cyberworld, but it also denotes amusing facets about yourselves. Some tactics to picking a good user name include:
–Where you live, and whether you’re a wildcat fan:
I’m in Paducah, and you’re right!
Ð¯ Ð»ÑŽÐ±Ð»ÑŽ Ð£Ð½Ð¸Ð²ÐµÑ€ÑÐ¸Ñ‚ÐµÑ‚Ð° ÐšÐµÐ½Ñ‚ÑƒÐºÐºÐ¸!
–Your current emotion, as in:
This was really boring
This is the greatest post ever!
–A slam on a current player or television personality you don’t approve of:
We are going to beat North Carolina this year!
Did you guys see that piece on 60 Minutes Sunday! Awful!
II. PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS MAY ONLY BE REFERENCED POSITIVELY. It’s okay to point out a drawback a player may have if you’re saying it’s awesome, but not if you’re saying it’s a bad thing.
Good thing [a player who only has one leg] only has one leg or he’d have been out of bounds when we made that last second shot to win! #fearthestump
[a player who only has one leg] is sooooo slow moving up and down the court! C’mon! #stumpisterrible
III. ALWAYS EVALUATE EVERYTHING YOU SEE. This is very important, as each rating is accounted for in a massive database to judge future posts.
I give this piece a 6. Meh.
Based on the Winston Standards for Statistical Analysis of Professional Showdogs, that golden retriever is phenomenal!
IV. BEAR IN MIND THAT SOME POSTS MAY BE DELETED. This can sometimes happen with comments containing foul or offensive language. A deleted comment moves the number below it up one notch. Keep up to date on the comment section and the assigned numbers to commenters, or you may find yourself in an awkward position, for example:
7. PeanutButterFan says:
What am I going to do with all this [expletive deleted] peanut butter?
8. SteveInOwensboro says:
My wife just had a baby!
9. PhilUKCat says:
#7, You should eat it.
after deletion, the exchange could come across this way:
7. SteveInOwensboro says:
My wife just had a baby!
8. PhilUKCat says:
#7, You you should eat it.
V. BE THOROUGH. Don’t just jot something down and throw it out there. Put some thought into your comment before hitting the “post” button. It’ll go a long way!
Svoboda4Three says: If I wanted to hear about [player name’s] knee injury, I’d have majored in biology in undergrad, then attended medical school and performed my residency at a reputable hospital known for its groundbreaking treatment of Osgood-Schlatter disease before taking the boards, passing, getting married and moving my wife and young son to a family-friendly town and opening my own orthopedic practice!!!!!!
VI. IF YOU REALLY HATE WHAT YOU’RE READING, KEEP READING IT. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised, and this:
I hated the first part, and the second part was crap and so I stopped reading this halfway through
can become this:
I hated the first paragraph, and the second part was crap, and the third and fourth parts were the worst thing ever, but that last sentence about my grandmother was the nicest thing anyone has ever said about her! You’re right, my Nana is very special!
VII. ABOVE ALL, TRY TO BE POSITIVE. It’s always important to find the silver lining in a post, even if you disapprove.
This is terrible
This is the most terrible thing EVER!
Remember friends, it’s a big internet out there – now get out there and be a part of it! And above all, happy commenting!