When the North Carolina Tarheels started this season, they couldn’t have imagined where they would be just nineteen games in.
“It really is pretty amazing, when you think about it.” North Carolina AD Dick Baddour said. “To reach 710 losses, it’s just impressive. I’m just happy to have played a small part.”
For most Carolina fans, the season started out with dreams of Franzia and beating Kentucky to 2,000 wins, not celebrating their 710th loss. But along came John Calipari, and the goals for the boys in baby powder blue had to change a little. “Yeah, we watched Kentucky drop the confetti that night. And sure, it looked fun.” Senior Marcus Ginyard said, after their historic loss number 710. “But coach kind of put it all in perspective for us. UK may have 2,000 wins, but you know what they don’t have? 710 loses. We’ve got that, and that’s 75 more than them. At the rate they’re going, they will never catch up. So let me ask you, who would you rather play for?”
The celebration followed after Carolina lost by thirteen at home to Wake Forest. In similar style to Kentucky’s big victory party, School officials passed out U7N1C0 shirts, which fans would have certainly been confused by. If there had been any left to watch. “Frankly, I’m dad-gum disappointed in the behavior of our ‘fans.’ Look, we wanted to do something to celebrate this monumental event, but apparently they all had some kind of frilly dinner party to get to, and couldn’t even stick around. We had a friggin balloon drop planned, but without the fans, they decided to save the balloons for the next Lady Tarheels victory. Gosh darnit, I’m just… I’m just a little upset.” Williams said, fighting back tears while addressing the press last night.
When I asked him if perhaps the fans would have stuck around if the heels had been celebrating win number two thousand, he only had this to say. “Well I could give a flip about what those people want. I haven’t thought about that for one second. I could give a shit about win 2,000 right now.”
Then he had me thrown out.
But no hard feelings Roy, it was an emotional night. Let me be the first in the media to congratulate you on loss 710, and I wish you continued success on your path to the NIT.
As a measure of note, most if not all of this story is completely true. I promise. I only made up the quotes. And the being there. And their celebrating the loss. But it kinda makes you think… if they aren’t excited about losing, why do they keep doing it so much?