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Taking the Football Team to Office Depot

 

 

There very few things I will miss about being a student this upcoming fall. The UPASS that allowed me to use free public transit in all of Chicago, definitely. Live blogging during night class, maybe. Edible Arrangements from my parents as a reward for good grades, sure. But chief among these scarce benefits of spending my week in a classroom is annual school supply shopping. Ever since I was a little girl, school supply shopping has been the highlight of my summer. Armed with a list longer and more detailed than Santa’s, I would march into Office Depot, sending my mother off to do the menial tasks of grabbing paper towels and tissues while I combed through notebooks, folders, markers, and random supplies that I would never use (locker mirror, anyone?), choosing complementary color palates and folders that made a “statement” (such as my third grade folder with a parrot on it captioned “Talk-A-Lot,” to show my classmates that I was outgoing while simultaneously warning my teacher that I might get sassy). In a school where my personality was chained by uniforms, school supplies where the only way to express myself. To this day, I spend more time ordering and personalizing my daily planner than I imagine I will spend trying on wedding dresses.

 

With Fayette County starting classes today, UK’s student invasion is just around the corner, and Lexington residents will no doubt want to avoid WalMart, Office Depot, Target, and especially Bed Bath and Beyond for the following weeks. However, just in case the football team needs a little advice on what to keep in their dorm rooms this fall, I’ve compiled a list of what I consider to be the necessary school supplies for Mark Stoops and company.

 

Magnets, for Mark Stoops to hang all his good grades (thus far) on the refrigerator

A recorder, to accompany the Air Raid Sirens (and to learn to play Hot Cross Buns, which I still can’t believe was deemed a necessary skill to pass fifth grade)

128-pack of crayons with sharpener built into box, 50-pack of markers, glitter glue, pack of multicolored construction paper, and scissors that cut crazy patterns, for the UK Specialists to make dioramas of Commonwealth Stadium, because they apparently have lots of time on their hands. 

A planner, for Drew Barker, who is the busiest non-college student I’ve ever heard of. Personally, I prefer Erin Condren planners, but I know the sorority girls at UK will defend their Lilly planners to the death.

Pencils (mechanical or regular), for media writing about their picks for starting quarterback. Pens with erasable ink will also suffice, although I myself always found these rather pointless.

Calculator, protractor, ruler, graph paper, for Erik Korem and his team of sports analyst elves in charge of the team’s high performance training. Do students still use calculators and protractors, or is everything iPhone based now?

Extra moms to volunteer in the school nurse’s office, because the team can’t really afford injuries this year.

Clipboards, for Patrick Towles and/or Max Smith, since all accounts have Jalen Whitlow as the starting quarterback as of now- or at least being on the field in some capacity thanks to his rampant athleticism.

Extra film and updated classroom AV sets, because a TV/VCR on a rolling cart won’t cut it when players are practicing on multiple fields and coaches are staying late to take it all in.

Fruit, trail mix, apple slices dipped in peanut butter, etc, for a high-energy snack to accompany Gatorade rehydration. Note: all players must first be cleared for any peanut allergies or else this entire operation shuts down immediately.

 

Man, looking at this list is almost enough to make me want to pick up another degree- almost. What else could the Cats use in their monogrammed LL Bean backpacks this fall?

 

@KristenGeilKSR

 

 

Article written by Kristen Geil

14 Comments for Taking the Football Team to Office Depot



  1. shields eyes
    9:35 pm August 14, 2013 Permalink

    Dang…who mistakenly put the KSRCollege post on the main page?



  2. UKBigDaddy
    9:41 pm August 14, 2013 Permalink

    WTH?



  3. Good times
    9:56 pm August 14, 2013 Permalink

    I wonder if KSR can tell I just clicked on the best of Billy Madison video and skipped reading any of the article. O’Doyle rules!



  4. AboveAverageJoe
    9:59 pm August 14, 2013 Permalink

    Kristen Geil is amazing. She is somehow able to combine the journalistic qualities of typing words, and hitting the post article button.. Simply breath taking, really.



  5. Kendrick Lamar
    10:00 pm August 14, 2013 Permalink

    Drake ain’t nothing but a big ole fake, please quit making rap for my heads sake. Lil Wayne needs to be hit by a train, his raps sound like minnie mouse when Mickey is on victory lane. Shout Out to Nicki Minaj for putting on a good show, to bad she raps like a stupid hoe. Rick Ross can’t even rap, oh wait he’s just too fat.



  6. bmt22033
    10:15 pm August 14, 2013 Permalink

    Totally unrelated to this particular post but the mental midgets (UL fans) at Card Chronicle are about to have a collective stroke because Matt Jones said that he heard Kevin Ware was kicked off of the team, etc., etc. If you need a good laugh, I’d recommend reading the comments section of the two articles that they’ve posted on the subject!



  7. Lol mental midgets
    10:29 pm August 14, 2013 Permalink

    5) and did you hear Magna Carta or any new mainstream rap, it sucks to feel like they are trying brainwash people



  8. soggyUKgrad
    10:56 pm August 14, 2013 Permalink

    Grammatical error in the very first sentence? Kristen, maybe you should spend less time at Office Depot and more time retaking Eng 101.



  9. Andrew
    12:29 am August 15, 2013 Permalink

    #7 yeah I listened to it but i thought it was horrible. The beats were lame and Jay-Z turned into Lil Wayne saying the N word every line. plus Justin Timberlake, I mean really? Kendrick Lamar, Hopsin, Eminem, Tupac, 50 Cent, Tech N9ne, MGK is where it’s at.



  10. acd
    3:06 am August 15, 2013 Permalink

    Miss Geil, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.



  11. Big Whoop
    5:38 am August 15, 2013 Permalink

    This was worthy of a Pammy Award for awful writing if Awful Announcing had such an award for writing.

    http://www.awfulannouncing.com/



  12. Clear
    6:57 am August 15, 2013 Permalink

    Got to agree with you Andrew, the illuminati generation of rappers have lost touch with lyric seekers and genuine music aficionados.



  13. Broward Cat
    8:32 am August 15, 2013 Permalink

    I suppose it is the natural process of things to ramp up, peak, then decay over time. I’m sure there are those that would say the same of me, but I have to tell you I just don’t like KSR nearly as much as I did a few years ago. I used to read every post, now it seems like it’s all drivel. Case in point, this article.



  14. my god
    9:03 am August 15, 2013 Permalink

    Did I just seriously read about picking school supplies?
    Is this real life?

    Just when you think she was gone she slips an unexpected post in and I accidentally read part of it.