There very few things I will miss about being a student this upcoming fall. The UPASS that allowed me to use free public transit in all of Chicago, definitely. Live blogging during night class, maybe. Edible Arrangements from my parents as a reward for good grades, sure. But chief among these scarce benefits of spending my week in a classroom is annual school supply shopping. Ever since I was a little girl, school supply shopping has been the highlight of my summer. Armed with a list longer and more detailed than Santa’s, I would march into Office Depot, sending my mother off to do the menial tasks of grabbing paper towels and tissues while I combed through notebooks, folders, markers, and random supplies that I would never use (locker mirror, anyone?), choosing complementary color palates and folders that made a “statement” (such as my third grade folder with a parrot on it captioned “Talk-A-Lot,” to show my classmates that I was outgoing while simultaneously warning my teacher that I might get sassy). In a school where my personality was chained by uniforms, school supplies where the only way to express myself. To this day, I spend more time ordering and personalizing my daily planner than I imagine I will spend trying on wedding dresses.
With Fayette County starting classes today, UK’s student invasion is just around the corner, and Lexington residents will no doubt want to avoid WalMart, Office Depot, Target, and especially Bed Bath and Beyond for the following weeks. However, just in case the football team needs a little advice on what to keep in their dorm rooms this fall, I’ve compiled a list of what I consider to be the necessary school supplies for Mark Stoops and company.
Magnets, for Mark Stoops to hang all his good grades (thus far) on the refrigerator
A recorder, to accompany the Air Raid Sirens (and to learn to play Hot Cross Buns, which I still can’t believe was deemed a necessary skill to pass fifth grade)
128-pack of crayons with sharpener built into box, 50-pack of markers, glitter glue, pack of multicolored construction paper, and scissors that cut crazy patterns, for the UK Specialists to make dioramas of Commonwealth Stadium, because they apparently have lots of time on their hands.
A planner, for Drew Barker, who is the busiest non-college student I’ve ever heard of. Personally, I prefer Erin Condren planners, but I know the sorority girls at UK will defend their Lilly planners to the death.
Pencils (mechanical or regular), for media writing about their picks for starting quarterback. Pens with erasable ink will also suffice, although I myself always found these rather pointless.
Calculator, protractor, ruler, graph paper, for Erik Korem and his team of sports analyst elves in charge of the team’s high performance training. Do students still use calculators and protractors, or is everything iPhone based now?
Extra moms to volunteer in the school nurse’s office, because the team can’t really afford injuries this year.
Clipboards, for Patrick Towles and/or Max Smith, since all accounts have Jalen Whitlow as the starting quarterback as of now- or at least being on the field in some capacity thanks to his rampant athleticism.
Extra film and updated classroom AV sets, because a TV/VCR on a rolling cart won’t cut it when players are practicing on multiple fields and coaches are staying late to take it all in.
Fruit, trail mix, apple slices dipped in peanut butter, etc, for a high-energy snack to accompany Gatorade rehydration. Note: all players must first be cleared for any peanut allergies or else this entire operation shuts down immediately.
Man, looking at this list is almost enough to make me want to pick up another degree- almost. What else could the Cats use in their monogrammed LL Bean backpacks this fall?