People watching and baseball: two of America’s greatest pastimes. And two that can easily be combined. No matter what ballpark you go to, I have found that various groups of people almost always exist. The following is my attempt to classify and describe each group as I see it.
1) Queen Elizabeth– They come to games with the sole purpose of starting the wave. Regardless of the situation, they try to get the wave going. It often starts in the latter innings and at crucial moments of the game. You generally find them seated on the baselines towards the outfield.
2) Paris Hilton– These are the fans who do anything to get on the big screen, no matter how ridiculous they look while doing it. Acts to get on the Jumbotron include, but are not limited to, dancing, singing, kissing, and going shirtless.
3) Dane Cook– They use the same joke throughout the whole game (and probably career as a spectator). People seated around them may give them a smile for the joke about a players personal life or appearance in the first inning, but after nine innings of sitting around hearing the same lame comment, nausea may set in.
4) Stephen A. Smith– There are always too many of these at games being too loud. Unknowledgeable is one thing, but unknowledgeable and loud is another. Games in the Northeast and Toronto are especially trying because of the accents that this group inherently possesses.
5) Bob Uecker– Once in a while you’ll be fortunate enough to sit next to someone who is genuinely funny and witty. For every 500 Dane Cook’s, there’s 1 Uecker, so cherish the time around them. You know you’re sitting next to a good one when you see baseball buffs and fans new to the game laughing throughout the game.
6) Strom Thurmond– You usually have to go to Florida to see these types of fans. They are the only one of the groups that have season tickets to Spring Training. Just as Strom was a fixture on Capital Hill, the retired fan doesn’t miss a game in March. Other than the obvious age, another way to identify them is the multitude of buttons and pins which they have collected throughout prior campaigns.
7) Frank the Tank—They take full advantage of the perk of beer being delivered to your seat known as ‘The Beer Guy.’ This can also provide free entertainment for the people around then who don’t want to spend $8 on a beer. Nothing beats a drunk, inappropriate guy yelling comments that could make your mom blush, but there is a fine line between them and Stephen Smith.
8 Scorekeeper– Still not really sure why people do this, but an entire group of fans keeps the books during games. Maybe it keeps them entertained during the game, but either way, this group is generally reserved and quite, but if you get them talking, they are the most knowledge of any of the groups.
Most people will fit into one of these eight categories, but I’m sure there are more, which is why there is a comment section…