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Soundbites from the FUTURE!

Hello, friends. I hope you’re well. I was wondering, since the next Presidential debate isn’t until Monday, if you wouldn’t mind sharing your political opinions with me. No, I mean all of them. I’ll listen patiently, because I love hearing other people talk about politics. It’s just the best. Perhaps you can change my mind on things, and I’d encourage you not to stop talking about your favorite issues until you have changed my mind. Thanks.

Friends, it’s a wonderful era here in the Big Blue Nation. We’re hyped on ESPN, Big Blue Madness went off stunningly, recruits are falling into place for 2013 in a big way; everything’s coming up roses. But you know what I like the best about this time of year? All the sound bites. They seem to come from everywhere: Twitter, the radio, the television, the newspapers, media days. At this time of year, everyone is quoting it up. This made me wonder, this week, what sound bites we might anticipate in the coming days, months and years — and I ran a program through KSR’s elaborate supercomputer HUBY to generate what we might be able to expect. We can even call this piece Soundbites from the Future. I must warn you, of course, that knowing the following information can be dangerous and may have a tremendous effect on how you live your own lives, so I’d encourage you to stop now lest you learn knowledge that may impact your own futures. The future is not to be trifled with. That said, please enjoy. And have a great weekend, everyone.


October 30, 2012UK Recruit Julius Randle:

“I am pleased to announce today that I will be attending school and playing basketball at the University of Kentucky, and look forward to joining my new teammates under Coach Calipari.”


January 29,

“Undefeated and rolling forward, it certainly looks as if John Calipari may have captured lightning in a bottle again as he heads toward what could be another national championship.”


February 16, 2013Bill Raftery, CBS:

“Clark, I never thought I’d see something like this, but the Kentucky Wildcats just beat the Tennessee Volunteers ninety-seven to two. This team has to be excited about that.”


March 7, 2013Bobby Knight, ESPN:

“This is ridiculous. Whatever. Why don’t you shut your stupid mouth for one second, Musburger? This team is…look, you want me to say it, I’ll say it. Kentucky wins. They beat Georgia. Big whoop. I’m out of here. You guys have my direct deposit information.”


April 8, 2013USA Today:

“In a hard-fought game, the Kentucky Wildcats defended their crown tonight defeating the Ohio State Buckeyes to win a second NCAA Championship in sequential years.”


August 4, 2015Official statement from Maker’s Mark Distilleries:

“If anyone is interested, we still have plenty of Billy Gillispie limited-edition bottles still for purchase. Seriously. A LOT.”


April 9, 2017USA Today:

“The Kentucky Wildcats claimed their sixth consecutive NCAA Championship last night at Chevrolet Underwater-Dome Stadium, edging out University of Phoenix Online 76-70.”


June 2, 2017 John Calipari:

“It’s wonderful and an honor to be back here at the White House again, President Bruce Jenner.”


December 12, 2019 John Calipari:

“Though Duke and UK have had their differences in the past, no one ever, ever wished for Mike Krzyewski to be eaten by a lion. It is unfortunate.”


March 18, 2021John Calipari:

“Look, what can you say? You know, both teams go out there and put your best players on the line and see what happens. We came up short tonight, and I have to give Hologram Roy Williams some credit. Their laser-eyes were hitting the mark, and ours just weren’t.”


October 16, 2022UK President Alan Cutler:

“I’m saddened to announce today that after fifteen years at the University of Kentucky, Coach Joker Phillips will retire after this season.”


July 12, 2026John Calipari:

“I will always love the Big Blue Nation and hold it in my heart, but I have decided to pursue a coaching position at Bio-Space Station Glaxxon 9. Hey, I told you I wasn’t a lifer.”

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

44 Comments for Soundbites from the FUTURE!

  1. ukcatsfan2
    1:10 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    I just don’t see Alan Cutler ever being the UK President….

  2. Boogies Mom
    1:10 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Is this seriously on KSR? Not only is this not funny nor clever, it is a complete waste of time.

  3. The Great Caytsby90
    1:14 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Love your posts! They’re always entertaining

  4. RC
    1:14 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    I, for one, thought this was quite comical…especially the lion.

  5. GoCats2
    1:15 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Ridiculous, Whats a matter with you Tomlin? Don’t you know that University of Phoenix online is shutting down? How are they going to be in the Championship Game in 2017?

  6. John Wall
    1:17 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Pretty funny!! #2 Your awful and shouldnt be on KSR, you have no sense of humor nor are clever. You are a waste of time

  7. What?
    1:21 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Seriously, no championship in 2014? What are you smoking???

  8. MustangCat
    1:22 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    April 9th: UK fans must be living right in the sight of God! Last November, we both ousted Barack Obama AND elected a new President. And now, we’ve won our second straight NCAA title, and 9th overall! And Calipari wins National Coach of the Year! We beat UL twice, and IU again! ANd went undefeated and gave Cal his 40-0 perfect season. Take that Bobby Knught.

  9. God Help Us All
    1:22 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Is this really Kentucky? This really represents out University and the people of the Commonwealth?
    That we would make jokes about the Superdome this way? Not only did many souls die from the
    storms and failure of the federal levees, but people in that city still to this day deal mightily with
    the challenges, emotional, financial, and sometimes physical, that came from dealing with all the
    effects of that terrible situation. Even worse for our shame in regards to this article, that city was
    both the place where we won our National Championship and where that beautiful, historical
    Superdome was turned UK Blue with a huge logo on its side, and where our beloved first round
    draft pick AKA “THE BROW” now plays basketball professionally.

    Joking about the “underwater dome” is beyond tasteless. It’s cowardly, and shows a great
    lack of character, respect for fellow human beings, and decency.

    God Bless New Orleans. GO CAYTS.

  10. me
    1:23 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Very funny, worth reading for the future quote from the cranky old man in the red sweater. Politics? Thanks for asking. Liars blah blah cheaters blah blah.

  11. MustangCat
    1:24 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    #2 is a plant. Obviously.

  12. Walter Sobchak
    1:28 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    9) What the hell are you talking about? When did he mention New Orleans or the Superdome? It was a joke about technology getting to the point where we can build an underwater stadium in the future. Are you going to complain about the space jokes because they are insensitive to NASA?

  13. Nick
    1:28 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    9 — What? What the hell are you talking about? It doesn’t say anything about New Orleans.

  14. KyJake
    1:29 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Ignore the haters, Tomlin. The part about the lion made me laugh hard enough for people at the office to look at me as though I were crazy.

  15. Yo
    1:32 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Gold Tomlin…Gold

  16. SexnNursinHomes
    1:34 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    9- Please take your meds. Don’t cause your family to Baker Act your crazy ass.

  17. FRET NOT
    1:35 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Matt jones is so arrogant on the radio show. Constantly demeaning the fellow hosts and callers. Someone needs to put him in place like beisner did. I don’t like ryan, but I wish he would just punch matt in the face for being a prick all the time.

  18. StillCrackingUp
    1:35 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    The lion comment is the best thing ever. Great post.

  19. Future
    1:37 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    November 22, 2016
    Bobby Petrino: “I have hired Karen Scypher as my administrative assistant here at UK”

  20. Kyle
    1:37 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Kind of a slow day around KSR I guess? Let’s try a little harder.

  21. StillCrackingUp
    1:38 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Also, #9 is either crazy or joking with us. It’s ironic that he’s the only person who made the comparison to New Orleans. Dude needs to calm down.

  22. Twitter Account Denied
    1:40 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    This is too funny! You made me laugh at work.

  23. John Wall
    1:43 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    I dont know whats funnier this article or #9 taking it the wrong way hahaha too funny

  24. TylerH
    1:46 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    7 – It said after six consecutive national championships, which would include 2014

  25. HA!
    1:53 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    #9- You’re a numbskull. Lighten up.

  26. RealCatsFan
    1:54 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    I thought the Bobby Knight comments were classic.

    One thing I would change – instead of being eaten by a lion, I would have Coach Buy-A-Vowel growing a little paintbrush mustache and running off to start a fourth reich with a team of tall, blonde haired blue eyed basketball players.

  27. WeakSauce
    2:04 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Pretty lame, honestly.

  28. Cardsohard L1C4
    2:09 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Kentucky fans are a bunch of rednecks. Go cards

  29. gossie21
    2:11 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    How did the University of Phoenix – Online get to be such a powerhouse? That is some serious program building.

    I do have to question the decision to play the final four in an underwater dome. The additional gravity would probably throw the players off. That is unless Cal has expanded his non-traditional scheduling to include neutral site games in various underwater gymnasiums.

  30. theSkinny81
    2:14 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    28 – good one….

  31. JLP
    2:24 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    A nice enjoyable humorous article. Much better than most KSR attempts at humor. Up there with a NOT Jerry Tipton piece which I always look forward to. [I must be vaguely related to Jerry to my discredit as I have Estill Co. Tiptons in my genealogy several generations back]

  32. Aaron C Bunch
    2:25 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    #28 I don’t know where to begin, did you really use both the gay nicknames in one shot, “Card so Hard” ? Painful to say it’s so stupid. L1C4, I cannot believe that’s seriously still around. L2C8, or L2C9 as it will soon be. Keep ’em coming though it’s good entertainment!~ GO CATS

  33. AaronCbunchisGay
    2:49 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Atleast im not gay

  34. theWilkman
    2:57 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    No comment yet about the Joker reference? Best part

  35. MustangCat
    3:35 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    @19! You made Dante scream on that one!! Can you hear the echo? @28, you need to be thankful for us UK fans, and our beloved CATS!!! Without us making your cards overachieve, where would you guys be? There would never have been another final four under your current administration. While we reign on the mountaintop, we inspire and motivat your birds to fly higher! See, we set your tailfeathers on fire and next thing you know, final four. Just know that “you didn’t build that”.
    Your welcome.

  36. UKBlue1!
    3:35 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Dec 30, 2015 UK honors the 1996 NCAA Championship team @ halftime of UK/UofL game. Ricky P. said he was too busy to join the only team he ever coached at half time. UK wins eighth consecutive game against Da’Ville.

  37. RealCatsFan
    4:11 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    #34, yeah, that was gold – but they would also have to put an entry in about UK being kicked out of the SEC in football for lack of concentration.

  38. RealCatsFan
    4:11 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Oops – lack of competition – that’s what happens when you post with a lack of concentration! 😀

  39. peoplewhowork
    4:23 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    July, 2016 – Coach Calipari in his first year as head coach of the US Olympic team defeats Ukraine 152 – 30 for the gold medal. More impressive is the use of only freshman from the University of Kentucky.

  40. barn
    4:42 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    9–your caregiver needs to wheel your ass away from the keyboard and give you another hit of thorazine

  41. GapToothDanny
    5:26 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    #9: Alright, NJT, you’ve had your once weekly moment in the spotlite…don’t try posting your nonsense under fake names again.

  42. bec
    5:37 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    I’m wondering when I can pick up my Glaxxon 9 t-shirt?

  43. Gertrude
    6:44 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My favorite is April 9, 2017

  44. spookykim
    7:24 pm October 19, 2012 Permalink

    Lion. Priceless.