If you don’t mind a brief respite from the Kentucky talk, I’d like to offer a post.
I’m having trouble sleeping because I’m still charged up from the Fiesta Bowl. As a few of you know, I grew up in Houston, and I’m a big Texas football fan. Thank goodness for that, seeing how I live in the place where football came to die.
Well, the best part of the game was the aftermath, when I just started calling people to talk smack. There is nothing more pleasurable after a game like that.
First I called a dude I hadn’t talked to in about six years. He didn’t appreciate the call.
Then, I called my buddy that’s from Columbus. I’d been texting with him throughout the game, so he knew it was coming. And boy, did it ever come…
So did his nonsensical excuses about referees and Quan Cosby being too old to play college football and other stuff I chose not to listen to. I was too busy reminding him of one thing.
I could spell that out all the way, but that’s not how I use it in these settings. Rubbing salt in a friend’s wound is not the an activity that requires enunciation.
I promise, in the course of that coversation, i think I hit dude with about six or seven great post-game shutdown lines. I figured I should share some with you, for I figure there will be a time you can use some of them. Unfortunately for a few of you, you wouldn’t have been able to use these yesterday, even if you had a time machine.
5. Ohhh, that Gatorade feels so cold! Now, I do think there’s something fairly pathetic about people that speak in terms that intimate that they’re part of the team. Those are the people that thrust their genitals toward a pixelated image of a young man who committed the sin of wearing jean shorts. That said, pretending like you’re in on the celebration? Well, that’s just dramatic effect.
4. If you want a championship t-shirt, you better take care of your passport now. Not sure if you knew this, but the t-shirts that get printed for teams that wind up losing championships are sent to countries where they must presume there aren’t computers with Internet connections. Well, those 2009 Fiesta Bowl t-shirts with Brutus Buckeye on them are about to be the heat on the streets of Jakarta. Just you watch.
3. What time does (insert team here) play? Perfect for when a team’s been eliminated from the NCAA Tournament. Or, yanno, doesn’t make it at all.
2. I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. The champagne’s fizzing in my ears. Similar to #5, but much more illustrative. Also makes you think about drinking, which has its plusses.
1. Scoreboard. For the list, we’ll go with the technical spelling and pronunciation. Look, there’s yet to be anything that shuts down a conversation like “scoreboard.” Because, really, what can you say to that? Whine about this and that, but it won’t change a thing. Especially not the scoreboard, the only thing that matters.
Your suggestions are welcome below.