All day, we will be giving you the reports of the four Semifinalists of the “Who Wants to be a Blogger” contest. Every contestant had to do a game report of last night’s contest versus Longwood. They were given free reign to report on the game however they wanted. We will put one up an hour and you can comment on who you think was good, bad and ugly. The top two make the Finals next week. Now up is Tyler Thompson:
Author’s note: While writing this recap, my Tivo switched over to an episode of “The Hills.” I will admit that I am a fan of ridiculously bad reality TV. Watching it is akin to watching Louisville’s tragic return to the college football basement: a car wreck you just can’t take your eyes off of. After each episode of “The Hills,” MTV airs “The Hills Live After Show,” a truly terrible thirty minutes of television. Instead of switching the channel, I wondered…what if MTV aired “The Rupp Arena Live After Show” instead? Let’s find out!
[Lights fade in on Rupp Arena after Kentucky’s 91-57 win over the Longwood Lancers. The court is filled with fans sipping Big Blue martinis and lounging on long white couches. In the background, the cheerleaders sway to “My Old Kentucky Home.”]
KYLE MACY [sporting a smart tweed blazer and khakis]: Wow, Mary Jo, what a game. Looks like Patrick Patterson finally got his groove back.
MARY JO PERINO [dressed in a festive Dawahares Kentucky-themed sweater and black pants]: You said it, Kyle. The ‘Cats beat Longwood pretty handily tonight.
KYLE: Right on, Mary Jo. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. We’ll take a few calls from the fans, as well as hear from our Player of the Game. But first, let’s look back at what happened here at Rupp tonight. Mary Jo?
MARY JO [perkily perched on the arm of a white couch]: Thanks, Kyle. The Longwood Lancers pranced into Rupp Arena filled with hopes of pulling a Gardner Webb on the ‘Cats, but all they were left with was a Wildcat blowout. With Darius Miller in the lineup, the ‘Cats came out of the gate quickly, jumping to a double-digit lead in the first few minutes. Patrick Patterson shook off the rust and returned to form, manhandling Longwood’s overmatched squad. Longwood couldn’t keep up with the frantic pace early on and their poor ball handling skills led to easy points for the ‘Cats. Longwood’s backcourt was clearly more impressive than its frontcourt, with Ryan Bogan hitting it early and often from the three-point line. [begins to fan herself] But Kentucky didn’t let up, with Patterson leading the charge. At halftime, Longwood limped to the locker room to regroup, down 51-24. The ride didn’t get any smoother for Longwood in the second half; the Wildcats continued to dominate, handling Longwood’s full court pressure easily. Patterson showed the Lancers who was on top time after time, [clears her throat] finishing up with a career high 28 points and 12 rebounds. Despite a sloppy second half by Kentucky, Longwood just couldn’t keep it up. [takes a long, steadying sip of her drink] Kentucky slapped the Lancers around and pounded the ball into the basket until the buzzer sounded. In the end, the ‘Cats rode Longwood hard and put them away wet. [gasps, wipes her brow]
KYLE: Mary Jo? Are you okay? You seem all worked up.
MARY JO: [fans herself and clutches the arm of the couch] Haha…oh, I’m just fine, Kyle. Just fine…I just love beating Longwood.
KYLE: Can I get you something to drink? You’re all flushed.
MARY JO: Absolutely…make it a double. Excuse me, I need a cigarette.
KYLE: Ooookay. Mary Jo is going to step out for a minute. Let’s talk to the man of the hour, Mr. Patrick Patterson, live via satellite from the Wildcat Lodge. Hey, Patrick!
PATRICK PATTERSON: Hey, Kyle, how’s it hanging?
KYLE: Mighty fine, thanks. Patrick, how did it feel to beat Longwood tonight?
PATRICK: [snickers] Umm…it felt really good. [cough/laughs] Yeah, I really felt it out there tonight, I can’t tell you how great it feels to win and help my team out.
KYLE: Patrick, we couldn’t help but notice, but in the first half it looked like you had something up your nose…was it a secret badass stick? Because man, you were really dominating out there.
PATRICK: Um, no, Kyle. That was an O.B. tampon–
[Commotion in the background…a flash of jorts flies across the screen]
KYLE: Hey, Patrick, what’s going on over there? Is that Josh Harrellson?
PATRICK [over background chatter]: Yeah, it is. Kyle, I got to go…Jorts here has challenged me to a round of DDR.
JORTS: Man, you about to get OSH KOSH B’JOSHED!
KYLE: Bye guys! Well, looks like Mary Jo is still MIA…let’s take some calls from the Wildcat faithful. Thomas from Florida, you’re on with Kyle and Mary Jo, wherever she is.
THOMAS: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID. THAT’S WHAT SHE–
KYLE: THOMAS! Do you have a question or comment about the game?
THOMAS: Ah, sorry Kyle. Had to get it all out of my system. Just wanted to say that Kentucky beat Longwood like a teenager with a tube sock.
KYLE: Interesting analogy, Thomas. What is with everyone tonight? Must be some joke I’m not catching. [Mary Jo runs back in] Mary Jo! Welcome back.
MARY JO: Thanks, Kyle. Had to take a moment to collect myself. Let’s wrap this thing up!
KYLE: Right on. The ‘Cats played their best basketball of the season in the first half, and showed stamina and lasting power in the second, beating Longwood in convincing fashion. Patrick Patterson conquered his demons and the Lancers, posting a career high 28 points. I think I speak for us all when I say, “Welcome back, Patrick!” And please…don’t get injured.
MARY JO: Amen! MJ and Kyle out!
[Kyle and Mary Jo toast to a ‘Cats win as the lights fade on a happy, warm Rupp Arena. Merry second win to all, and to all a good night]
Beisner: Oh, Tyler. I really want to hate you because you’re a woman, but this was outstanding. The concept was a great idea because, as someone who NEVER watches The Hills, I have seen these awful recap shows and found myself mesmerized by the incredible douchery of them. The part Mary Jo section had me laughing out loud and even though the Harrellson/Patterson part had me a little lost (the word “tampon” makes me cringe, no matter what context), you brought it altogether at the end pretty nicely. If the intent was to give a full recap of the game, you might have lagged a bit there in terms of analysis. In fact, you would have failed miserably. But, if it was to provide a chuckle, you accomplished that very well. Overall, good piece.
Wow, I feel like Evan. (special shoutout to Matt Jones for the outstanding headline. try googling yourself now tyler. your parents will be proud.)
Matt Jones: It may seem like I am against you….I am really not. I just dont think this worked. I know that others like your stuff and I liked your early stuff (remember that I made you a finalist). But this just seemed forced. I LOVE the concept of Mary Jo and Kyle recapping the game…..that was great. But then you get into wackiness with Pat and Jorts that just loses me. You may make the finals based on the others, but for me this just didnt work. (I feel like Simon….)
Tomlin: I’m with Matt, Tyler. I feel like I’ve sounded hard on you through this competition, but I haven’t meant to sound that way. I think you’re a tremendous writer, and do I think this will probably get you into the finals? Yes. Was it my favorite of yours so far? Not really, but I’m always a fan of high-concept, and this was definitely high-concept. I give you major points for that, and would like to point out to the voters that you’ve gone high-concept for the majority of this competition, which in my book is admirable (like “my book” means anything around these parts). This didn’t work completely for me, but I love the imagination behind it and as always, it’s immaculately written. I think this race will be a tight one.
Evan: I kind of agree with Matt, Tomlin, and Beisner—if that’s possible. I think this is creative, though it wasn’t all that funny. You made a joke about a teenage boy and a sock…and you’re a chick…that makes me really uncomfortable. I like your angle, for sure, it just wasn’t terrific this time. Oddly, I think you’re still my favorite, and if I had to decide between yours and Minton’s, I’d choose you! Smiley Face Winking!