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SEC Slant Week 5


The SEC, she’s a giver and a taker. I hope you’re curious to know the up-to-the-minute vital signs of Tebow, cause that’s exactly what you’re gonna get this week.

Alabama 38 @ Kentucky 20

The Tide rolled, and so too did Trevard Lindley’s ankle. Lady Luck, a notorious UK football assailant, applied blunt force trauma to the all-too-blue balls of Kentucky by coercing the nose of the football an inch over the goal line just moments before she jostled the football from Derrick Locke’s arm and seamlessly into the unfettered hands of a perfectly placed Bama defender… in an impressive feat of, “seriously, what other team would this happen to?” And, Mr. Rhetorical, you make a fine point. Of course, Lady Luck, as big of a bitch as she may be, did not have her fingerprints on a Steve Brown defensive scheme that is principled on keeping the opposing QB as clean and undisturbed as possible. Like a night at the Marriot. Why not just go ahead and dangle a “do not disturb” card from Stephen Garcia’s facemask?
On the other side of the line, the Kentucky offense continued to show little imagination, noticing the single coverage on the outside WR’s for the 4th game in a row only after falling behind 4 scores. But I’ll temper my criticisms, as we all should, until UK plays a team out of the TOP 2.

As expected, UK is 2-2 and rightly a battered bunch after facing the top 2 teams in the USofA in consecutive weeks. But the road beckons with UK in search of some good people and football salvation.

LSU 20 @ Georgia 13

Fact is, LSU might be just as undeserving of this ranking as Ole Miss was a couple weeks ago. Fact is, LSU is 3-0 in the SEC, 5-0 overall. Fans have the week to prepare for a evening extravaganza in Death Valley where anything save for reading a book is possible. Watch LSU and it’s obvious how many leaks they have but damned if they don’t find a way to get em plugged just before the levee breaks. I realize that last line was coincidentally insensitive but apt nonetheless. The talent is absolutely there but the discipline and consistency appears seasons away. How far can they get on sheer athleticism? UGA, on the other hand, deserves a lot of credit for hanging tough through arguably the toughest schedule in the nation thus far, but after bottling up LSU RB Charles Scott all day, whiffed when it mattered most.
The real loser here? Officiating. Get off your Golden-Flaked high horse Mike Slive, and munch on a little common sense.
**Update** High horse unmounted

Ole Miss 23 @ Vanderbilt 7
Ballyhooed as a trendy Heisman hopeful in the preseason, Ole Miss QB Jevan Snead has been nothing short of a bust so far. On a short week after an abysmal outing in Columbia, Snead threw 3 picks, albeit in a winning effort due mostly in part to the fact Vandy literally has a pair of legs for a QB and one of the most pathetic offenses that will undoubtedly have their best day of the season against UK’s bend-but-don’t-break-guys! defense. The Rebs have a chance to trumpet themselves back into the top 10 and in the thick of the division race when Bama visits the grove this weekend. We’ve witnessed Snead’s ability, and he’ll get it together eventually, but I doubt this will be that weekend.

Arkansas 47 @ Texas A&M 19
In what’s been billed as the ol’ “Southwest Classic,” the two former rivals embarked on a 10-year rivalry to be played each year in the flamboyantly out-of-control Cowboys Stadium. Basically, it’s a stage for Jerry Jones to pat his alma mater on the back, stuff their pockets with cash, their luggage with recruits, and it’s another reason to get out of the house on an otherwise mundane Saturday of playing Risk with Boone Pickens for actual land and lives and petroleum futures.
So is Arkansas that explosive or A&M that bad? I say a little bit of both with a few extra cups of the latter.

Georgia Tech 42 @ Mississippi State 31
State had 4 fumbles and an INT, allowed 266 yds. passing to Tech QB Josh Nesbitt, which has to quadruple a career high, but still hung tough a week after the gut-wrencher to LSU. State isn’t very good, there’s no getting around it, but they play hard, have a hard-running and relibale RB, and seem to find enough pizazz to hang around. Just the kind of team primed to jump up and nip an unprepared foe in the ankles…

Auburn 26 @ Tennessee 22
Now perched firmly in the Top 25 and a juicy 5-0, Wo’ Eagle looks primed for a serious run at the SEC West…except of course, they still haven’t played anyone outside of a Bill Stewart-coached WV and a Crompton-led UT, so I think they still have a ton to prove, specifically on defense. There’s no questioning Gus Malzahn’s attack, which is still a couple years away from being countered by privy DC’s. But Auburn doesn’t need gimmicks–not when you have a stable of Ben Tate and Onterio McCalebb running the ball. Meanwhile, UT’s bowl hopes are on life support, or at the very least, off pumping gas somewhere.

South Carolina State 13 @ South Carolina 38

Rolando McClain, LB, Bama: 12 tackles (8 solo), INT, FF, DEF
Charles Scott, RB, LSU: 19 carries for 95 yds., two 4th quarter TD’s
Onterio McCalebb, RB, AUB: 51yds. Rushing, 62 yds. Receiving, 91 yds. KO= 204 all-purpose
Shay Hodge, WR, Ole Miss: 8 catches, 122 yds, 2 TD’s

Next week
Vandy @ Army–The Cadets will have more passing yards than Vandy. Bobby Johnson will become hilariously perturbed when his flight is delayed and he’s stuck in a hotel room with a snoring Mike Mangino.

Auburn @ Arkansas–destined for a shootout. This will be the first good offense Auburn has faced this season.

UGA @ UT–battle of who-could-care-less (fans’ perspective).

Houston @ Miss St–No rest for the weary.

UK @ USC–The Cocks have the more athletic defense, but they don’t have anyone close to Cobb or Locke on O. Garcia struggles when pressured, so he figures to have another career game against UK.

Bama @ Ole Miss–with LSU coming to T-Town, this looks like the Tide’s biggest hurdle in reaching their 2nd consecutive undefeated regular season. And it ain’t really all that high.

Florida @ LSU–Don’t let Mike Patrick’s colloquial jolly and seeping liberal elitism sully the very foundation of conservative lawlessness: Florida in Baton Rouge on a Saturday night.

Pa’er Rankins
1. TBows
2. Slick Nicks
3. Geaux Tigas
4. War Winning
5. Secessionists
6. Ole Tailgaters
7. Hedges
8. Suey
9. Cayuts
10. Tee Martin
11. Sly Croom’s players
12. Extracurriculars

Article written by Matt Jones