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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Scouting the Five: Filthy Cards

***Before he took the solemn vows of initiation at The Brown Tweed Society, Evan Hilbert and I enjoyed some good times at and here at Kentucky Sports Radio. I liked the way he laughed, his firm embrace and, mostly, his preview of the starting lineups of opposing basketball teams. So, just like the bat signal, I’ll be posting these each game, hoping that it brings Evan home. Actually, scratch that. This is the third year I’ve been doing this without so much as a telegram. Evan, you’re dead to me.


Enough with the small talk.  Let’s do this!

Your Louisville starters…

peyton-siva  #3  Peyton Siva, 5-11, G, Sophomore

2010-11 stats: 11.5 ppg, 4.9 apg, 52% from the field, 29% from three

Have you heard?  Peyton Siva is better than John Wall!  The Samoan Sensation’s chances of living up to the hype dumped on him by Cardinal fans prior to his arrival are slimmer than his mustache.  But, he does dunk sometimes.  And he started in the seventh grade.  Impressive.  Peyton Siva will most be remembered as the only Louisville player to be abused by four different UK point guards in four different years.

preston-knowles  #2  Preston Knowles, 6-2, G, Senior

2010-11 stats: 15.2 ppg, 3.7 rpg, 43% from field, 41% from three

In the media guide, Preston Knowles’ name is followed up by a letter “G”.  Most make the common mistake of assuming it’s his position, when it is, in fact, there to let you know that he is actually a “G”.  The Cats will do their best to contest his three-point shots, but they best stay away from his damn hairbrush.  At a BBQ this summer, Knowles was hanging out with his girlfriend when her pops came out and he started to shout, so he threw a right cross and knocked his old ass out.  Cuz the Cards in the Hood are always hard….

chris-smith  #5  Chris Smith, 6-2, G, Junior

2010-11 stats: 8.7 ppg, 3.8 rpg, 57% from field, 52% from three

Smith is a walk-on transfer from Manhattan College and the brother of J.R. Smith, which has been great for recruiting and the party scene.  According to the media guide, his goal is to earn a degree in justice administration.  At Louisville, that keeps you closer to the program than becoming a graduate assistant.  Thinks Chance from “Real Chance at Love” should play him in a movie, loves “whatever NBA team his brother plays for” and has a serious case of dumb face.

kyle-kuric  #14  Kyle Kuric, 6-4, G, Junior

2010-11 stats: 7.9 ppg, 2.8 rpg, 48% from the field, 45% from three

Kuric has become a cult hero and fan favorite since lighting up Syracuse in the last game at Freedom Hall.  He has a sister named Katie on the U of L soccer team and her media guide photo is actually more feminine than his.  Yes, Katie Kuric.  He is very involved with the Big Brother program.  Today, that program is going to whip his ass.

gorgui-dieng  #10  Gorgui Dieng, 6-10, C, Freshman

2010-11 stats: 5.8 ppg, 4.8 rpg, 2.5 bpg, 5.0 languages, 68% from the field

After years of recruiting the best high school big men in the country and then leaving them painfully unprepared for their post-Louisville international basketball careers, Rick Pitino wised up.  He recruited a guy who can already speak five languages, so there’s no transition period for him after the Senegal Basketball Federation breaks news of his early and ill-advised departure.  Holds the distinction of being the only person named “Gorgui Dieng” to ever spend more than 35 minutes in Huntington, West Virginia.

  Head Coach Rick Pitino

In the time it took to type this, Rick Pitino successfully started and finished making love to a stranger.


– Mikey 2 Dope (G): Ankle hurts.  Won’t play.

Elisha Justice (G): Head hurts.  Won’t play.

Rakeem Buckles (F): Fingers hurt.  Won’t play.

Jared Swopshire (F): Still f***ing scared.  Won’t play.

– Terrence Jennings (F): Third on the team in minutes and points.  Second in rebounds.  First in tasers received.

– Stephen Van Treese (F): Ankle, head and fingers are fine, much to the chagrine of U of L fans.

– George Goode (F): His name, isn’t it ironic?  Don’tcha think? 

– Steve Masiello (Asst. Coach): Permanently looks like he smells like Billy Gillispie.

Notes: UK is 27-14 against Louisville…Six wins and three losses came during Rick Pitino’s tenure…Rick is 4-5 against the Cats since villianizing himself…3-4 since making love on a table…Scheduling gives the Cats a chance to beat the Cards twice in the same year for the first time since 1922…Louisville gave a degree to Larry Birkhead…That guy knows how to turn a kid into cash…Should have taken those notes, Karen…Also gave one to Diane Sawyer…I would…The game is on CBS…Gus Johnson is stopping by…Live Blog starts at 11:45…BEAT LOUISVILLE

Article written by Thomas Beisner

48 Comments for Scouting the Five: Filthy Cards

  1. passing thru hicktown
    3:42 pm January 1, 2011 Permalink

    when liggins tried to go to michigan state to play in the big leagues they didnt want him. guess they had someone to pick up the towels after practice. i heard he left cause billy g. wouldnt share his whiskey with him. or liggins was to stupid to know how to open the cap. who tells him which shoe goes on which foot.