This is a real thing that is actually for sale on Expecting Fan’s website.
So the royal baby has you all crazy about the idea of a little bundle of joy in your own home. Good for you! Children are a joy, especially when you’re paid to hang out with them like I am. Naturally, you want to make sure your child has every advantage in life and that they’re the absolute coolest miniature human being they can possibly be- namely, a die-hard UK fan right from the start. As KSR’s resident professional nanny and expert on all things kiddos, let me get you started on the right tiny, precious “awwwwwww those toes are like little gumdrops I just want to eat them right up!” foot with five easy tips to ensure that your kid will be a great addition to the BBN.
1. It all starts with the name. Your child must be blessed with a moniker glorifying UK’s glorious history. For a girl, consider Bernadette (as in Mattox), Ashley (as in Judd), Callie (short for Calipari), or maybe even get a little “out there” with Keightley (my personal favorite). Baby boys obviously have more options, but among my favorites would be Davis, Miller, John (as in Wall) or- and I know this is a stretch- Shagari. I would expect great things from a child named Shagari.
2. Once the ink is dry on that baby’s birth certificate, it’s time to move little Shagari into his new, UK-themed nursery. Blue walls and white furniture are obvious, but go the extra mile with a mural of Rupp Arena, or maybe a custom painting of Anthony Davis’ arms stretched over ten packages of Pampers. Don’t forget an armoire stocked with baby Kentucky onesies and jerseys- try this Etsy shop for some hilarious options. It’s never too early for a little girl to own her first UK cheerleading outfit, either (PS- pom pons make great baby toys. Hours of entertainment).
3. While you’re spending money, go ahead and get your child’s name on the list for season tickets. It’ll make a difference when they’re choosing your retirement home.
4. Baby Einstein? That stuff is for insecure parents who don’t think their kids are naturally smart. Instead, nurture your child with DVDs of championship games and past ESPN specials on the Cats. Similarly, storytime at night should feature past Sports Illustrated cover stories (make sure the actual magazine is laminated, though- babies tend to expel fluids when you least want it to happen) and classic KSR posts (edit out the NSFW content as you see fit). Past podcasts and the dulcet tones of Matt Jones and Ryan Lemond will lull baby Keightley to sleep at night. All these measures will ensure that your child’s first word will be Kentucky-related and that they’ll grow up with a nearly innate knowledge of Kentucky basketball history.
5. And finally, make sure your kid stays on the right side of the train tracks and doesn’t make best friends with any little Louisville kids around the block. You don’t want them to come home from a playdate with a Sharpie line beard.
I charge $12/hour for one kid and $20/hour for child-rearing consulting. @KristenGeilKSR