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Questions remain after Louisville incident

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An early morning accident in Louisville has left a cloud of question hanging over the Governor’s Cup game scheduled for Saturday, and may have left the Cardinal fanbase thinner than usual for the rivalry tilt. Authorities are reporting a single-vehicle crash of the Louisville bandwagon just inside the city limits of the Commonwealth’s largest metro, although details in the wake of the accident seem to be as scarce as a Karen Sypher dental dam.

“We’re still interviewing those involved and working a few possible scenarios in relation to the accident,” a police spokesman told KSR. “We know that the crash started with the bandwagon swerving hard right, then leaving the road altogether before coming to rest in a field of denial.” What happened before that swerve, however, is still unclear.

“First-person accounts indicate the crash was a result of every passenger simultaneously cocking their flat-bill baseball cap to the right, causing a weight shift from which the driver could not recover,” the spokesman explained. This official word seems to contradict earlier reports of a disturbance inside the bus caused by a mad shorty walking by outside. We’re investigating this lead, but the mad shorty has not been available for comment.

The driver of the bus was apprehensive from the beginning of the ill-fated trip. “Last year when I drove this thing it was empty. I usually just took naps or looked at porn. Then, out of nowhere, a bunch of people showed up. I wasn’t prepared for that.” His fears were soon proven warranted, though, as the group started to become unruly.

“I checked my rear-view and saw them crowded around in the back. It took me a minute to figure it out, but eventually I realized that they were taking turns straightening each other’s line beards. It seemed a little weird, and I have no idea how they got a barber’s chair on here, but they were out of control. Next thing I knew, the bus was out of control too.”

Authorities are still trying to determine how many passengers were on board the vehicle, although local residents have their own guesses. “Judging by the thickness of the cloud of smoke, I’d say there had to have been 50 of them in there,” one local recounted. Another confirmed, “The smell of Swisher Sweet was strong. Cardinal Strong.”

Even in the face of an ongoing investigation, people’s attention seems to be turning toward the effect this will have on Saturday’s season-opener in Papa Johns Cardinal Stadium. Debuting Louisville coach Charlie Strong addressed the incident with the press this afternoon.

“This morning was a shock to me, certainly. It was my understanding when I took this job that we had no fans,” Strong said. “Imagine my surprise when I found out that we did, and that they had been hurt. And that they were all colossal tools. It was an awakening.”

“I had the school authorize care packages consisting of oversized tees and way more cologne than necessary to help those affected by this incident. I only hope its enough. Cologne, that is.”

Many fans have been left wondering if the loss of such a large chunk of the fanbase will hurt the school’s ability to sell out the new expansion to Cardinal Stadium, while athletic Director Tom Jurich tried to quell their fears.

“I said from the beginning that the expansion would be full, and it will be. Right after we close half of the lower level and move everyone up there. That’s how you solve a problem, ladies,” Jurich told the media.

When pressed on the stadium decision, the athletic director was candid. “It’s true, that I may have gotten ahead of myself in expanding the stadium. But if there is one unifying principle in this athletic department, it is this: ‘It’s better to blow your load too soon than it is to just be drunk.’ I think I exemplified that in this project, and if it’s a mistake to live by that code, so be it.”

“Besides, the best way to get past a glaring mistake is to pretend it never happened. And that’s why we’re so excited to be welcoming Charlie Strong after the Bobby Petrino era. See how easy that was?”

Although the accident only involved fans of the Louisville program, Coach Strong admitted that it may have a profound impact on his plan for Saturday.

“Up until today, my staff and I have been looking for a way to get the team out of this game. An accident is a good excuse. Damn good one. And one we were thinking of making up and using. Now that it’s been taken, we’re left to decide between ‘Everybody’s grandmother is sick’ and ‘We let DeMar Dorsey write the whole team’s papers this time.’ Either way we’ll make a decision and stick to it. We’re not showing up Saturday, and we’re gonna be strong doing it.”

More details as they become available.

Article written by Hunter Campbell

I used to write here.