Welcome to Arizona State University! Here you’ll make lifelong friends, gain a valuable education and make memories that will last the rest of your life. Whatever you wish to make of yourself, you can do it here at ASU! We look forward to welcoming you as an incoming freshman as you begin your path to the future!
It all begins when mom and dad drop you off on campus in September. The seasons are just beginning to change from summer to more summer and a sense of excitement is in the air. Look, there’s Cady Fountain, where mom and dad first met! There’s the Hayden Library, where they used to study together! There’s Palm Walk, where mom and dad used to drop acid and do it to the music of Moby Grape! Now this is all yours — to make your own way and create your own ASU experience!
There’s no better place to push yourself and meet the challenges of a top-tier education than Arizona State! Maybe you’ll major in Dynamics of Clap, where Dr. Melanie Hoffman, can teach you all there is to know about hand percussion. Clap on the beat, or get creative and clap on the downbeat. Clap enough and you’ll be making applause! Guess what? That applause is for you!
This student just scored tickets to Bonnaroo! She’s been in the computer lab all night hitting refresh. Good for you, Susan! Good for you!
Is this your bike, son? Do you know how fast you were going? Ha ha, just kidding. It’s good that you’re not driving intoxicated on ASU’s campus. As a recent study by U.S News & World Report showed, roughly 78% of Arizona State University students are above the legal level of intoxication at all times, so biking is a great way to get around, unless you are so intoxicated that you fall off your bicycle and potentially hurt yourself. Know your limits!
Classes are fun and interactive at Arizona State! Here Photography II professor Gail Reardon shows her class the photos she took at the Diplo concert at the Crescent Ballroom. She was so smashed. He did an amazing Grizzly Bear remix for twenty-five minutes! You totally have to go next time he’s in town. See? Look. Here’s a shot of the lasers, they were flashing around and everything.
When it’s time to hunker down for hands-on scholastics, however, Arizona State is the place to be. You can major in Criminology, for instance, where you might have the opportunity to sit in a class and smirk at Arizona Supreme Court Justice Rebecca White Berch. Law is hilarious. Look how serious she takes it. What a nerd.
Residence life is always a great time. Hanging out with your friends and colleagues is part of the college experience. Here, Michael is tripping balls on peyote and Hailey climbed up on the bunk. Hailey oh my god you’re turning into a giant bird! Get away from me! You can’t have me, bird! This isn’t fun anymore! I want to go home. Someone get me some orange juice and a damp washcloth. We’ll get out of this. It’ll all be over soon. Just breathe.
Does anyone have any weed? Oh, over here. Tim has some weed. Talk to Tim, Amber. He’ll hook you up. Wow, Tim, you’re the last person at this table I’d have expected for that. Except for glasses-face here.
Be constructive with your time at Arizona State! Brian has been doing Jaeger shots all morning and he’s been fascinated by this machine for three hours. It’s inventive things like this that keep students safe on campus. Just nobody bother Brian, okay? He’s one of those guys who will swing at you if you surprise him. He’ll either sober up or pass out soon.
A degree from Arizona State will help you not only realize your personal heights but lay the tracks for wherever the road ahead might meet you. Whooooooo! Go Sun Devils! Fight for the Old Maroon! Man I am so drunk right now. College is the best, man. The BEST. I love you guys.