Editor’s Note: The following was written by Harold Leeder, editor-in-chief of The New Circle Circular, Lexington’s #1 source of fake news you can’t count on.
Papa John Schnatter, esteemed UofL Board member and guy who puts the party back in Republican Party, along with his wife, Mama John Schnatter, recently donated the maximum amount of money one couple is permitted to give in a one year period to the Republican Party of Kentucky. Sadly, we’ve learned that the delivery fee of that donation did not go to the driver.
Schnatter, who began selling his pizza out of a converted broom closet at his father’s tavern, a broom closet he often finds him self waking up in after every Kentucky Derby, made the donation just one month after Governor Matt Bevin appointed him to the now ‘somewhat legal’ University of Louisville Board of Trustees. This was much to the chagrin of Andy Beshear, a long time Pizza Hut fan dating back to the time he read the children’s book “Let’s Talk About Tattling” as part of the Book It program. Big Papa wanted to repay Bevin’s loyalty with more than just standard Papa Rewards, so he gave the Republican Party the most money legally possible, while continuing to pay his loyal employees the least money legally possible.
The driver in question, 19 year old Gavin Carpenter, was very prompt with the delivery of the donation. He arrived at Republican Party headquarters in only 23 minutes, despite a confirmation email saying that the delivery could take as long as 30-45 minutes. He even brought his own pen in case the Republican Party didn’t have one. Gavin was visibly disappointed when he was only tipped 75 cents because the Republican Party thought the entire $2.25 delivery fee went to the driver.
“It’s true that the delivery fee does not go directly to our drivers, but it does cover our insurance, which I think is important,” Schnatter explained while donating money to a political party whose platform would leave some recently insured Kentuckians uninsured. “I believe that all of our drivers should have insurance, despite any preexisting car problems their Honda Civics and Toyota Corollas might have.”
“Much like our delivery fees, I want my political donations to go where money is needed the most,” continued the Papa. “I want to put it in the pockets of rich, old, white guys. What I like about Bevin is that we share the same political philsosophy. Better ingredients, better pizza. Except in this case pizza is a metaphor for awesome policy decisions, like continuing to not help poor people have access to basic dental care or high speed internet. Although, maybe they should get access to high speed internet. That would allow them to download the new Papa Johns app, where they can sign up for Papa Rewards and use emojis to order their pizza.”