Louisville emergency rooms were overrun last night with a rash of broken ankles and various other injuries, the cause of which has only recently been determined by investigators. “This was an horrific event. I have never, in all my years in law enforcement, seen this many people try to jump off a bandwagon simultaneously. It’s a tragedy,” a police spokesman told reporters.
Many Louisville residents were awakened by the overnight ruckus and the almost deafening thud that accompanied it. “I haven’t seen a stampede that big since Lids ran their two-for-one on flat-bills a couple years back. It was pure pandelerium,” one local told KSR.
Still others were confused as to what the upheaval was all about. “I thought they were just running with the bulls outside,” a visibly shaken Louisvillian told reporters. “After a half hour or so I realized I wasn’t in Pamplona at all, and that’s when I got scared.”
The reasons behind the mass jump are as varied as the facial hair of the departing fans. Actually, they pretty much all had line-beards, so the reasons were a lot more varied than that. A. Wayne Kerr, one of the first fans to jump, was honest about his motivations. “I mean, everything was fine when we were winning. You couldn’t find a bigger fan than me,” explained Kerr, “but we’ve been losing for a while now and it just doesn’t seem worth it. Why support a team that sucks when I could just buy a new oversized tee?”
When asked how he thought the mass defection would affect this weekend’s game, Kerr was unconcerned. “My game is tight yo. Ain’t no need for you to worry about ya boy. All the ladies be lovin’ me.” After staring blankly at him for five terribly awkward minutes, Kerr seemed to realize his error. “Oh. That game. USC by three touchdowns. My Trojans are gonna roll baby!”
After only a minute or so of staring this time, Kerr finally figured it out. “You mean the Louisville game? Man they’re gonna get beat like a rented mule. And not just any rented mule. One you got the insurance on when you checked it out just so you could really do a number on it. That kind of rented mule.”
Still other fans had their own reasons for disowning the Cardinal football team. Some of the angst centered around the new, more than 15,000-seat expansion to Papa John’s Cardinal Stadium. “They kept telling us about it, how great it was going to be,” said one disgruntled fan who asked to remain nameless.
“Then, I get to my seat up there and it just wasn’t what I expected. I thought it would have easy access to the parking lot, like a teleport or one of those airplane slides. Turns out I’m actually farther away from my car. What the hell’s the point of opening new seats if it’s just going to take me longer to leave at halftime. How am I supposed to beat the traffic from way up there? Lies, they’re all lies.”
Other area schools are preparing for a run on their own bandwagons. The University of Kentucky even released a statement pertaining to the matter. It read, in part:
“We are not accepting the former Louisville fans onto our bandwagon. Not even if they buy a blue shirt. We’ve invested in about thirty aluminum bats and diversionary rap music to get them off our trail and make sure this doesn’t happen. And we realize that this statement could make them wise to our plan. We are wholly unconcerned, as our plan consists of words on a piece of paper and they’re Louisville fans. You do the math.”
Louisville coach Steve Kragthorpe was unwavering in the face of the adversity, however. “We’re going to take this negative and make it a positive. See…poof…it’s a positive.” When pressed on the issue, Kragthorpe opened up. “Honestly, I’m not worried about it. Fewer fans means fewer people who want me fired. I don’t know how that can be a bad thing.”
“I had a vision for this program from the beginning, and I see no reason to stray from our principles. We’re going to work hard, do the right things, try and look mad, and then lose. Simple as that.”