Sometimes you read the internet and you find things that are beyond perfect. On Insidetheville.com yesterday, a writer named “HEELINCRAZY” posted this fake “letter” to the UL fan base from Rick Pitino. It may be the greatest thing ever. Enjoy:
Dear Louisville fans,
Thank you for never holding me accountable.
Thank you for not making me feel bad about bringing in what will likely be called the most disappointing recruiting class in Louisville history. Thank you for not mentioning how I got your hopes up and promised this class would be totally awesome, and all we got were two, little 5-11 dudes that would have been walk-ons normally.
Thank you for blaming the NCAA, Sandy Bell, microwave societies and the tooth fairy when I finally admitted today that I’d utterly failed at recruiting this year when we desperately needed an infusion of talent. And don’t even think about blaming this on the Sypher trial because I have publicly stated that it had no effect whatsoever. I am not at fault.
Thank you for not pointing out that the minute we got our hands on Dieng’s high school transcripts that we knew immediately that he had not completed the core courses requirement. It didn’t take brain surgery to realize that his course load in Africa was no where near what the NCAA requires. But I was hoping that with smoke and mirrors and duct tape we could fix it. I wish the NCAA would give me as much slack as Tom Jurich does. Life is unfair! Dieng is a smart kid, as evidenced by his test score, and has great raw potential, but from day one we knew that he would need to go the junior college route. So thank you for not pointing out this obvious fact and holding me, or should I say “us” (looks accusingly at his staff) accountable.
And let me use this opportunity to thank you for forgetting all those pie-in-the-sky expectations you had of me when you hired me to my first in a series of mega-contracts, 9 years ago. Many of you, and you know who you are, (laughs dismissively) thought we would have been to several final fours and have one or two national championships by now. Shame on you! If you felt that way, you are not true Louisville fans. Thank you for forgetting all about that… or for lowering your expectations. Whichever applies.
Thank you for not holding me accountable for any of the ridiculous promises or statements I’ve made in the past. Thank God no one has ever thrown back in my face my promise that we would never be out of the top 25 again. Remember that one? Thank you for never once questioning my ability to analyze talent like the time I was talking about Mike Marra and stated “He’s the best high school shooter I have seen in my life.” By the way, I bear NO responsibility whatsoever for Marra’s pathetic 24% shooting this past year. He didn’t feel any extra pressure on his 18 year old shoulders when I, a Hall of Fame coach, made that over-the-top statement about his shooting ability. No, you can’t pin this one on me; it’s all on him.
And thank you for letting me get away with making conflicting statements, no matter how bad they were. Like the time in November 2008 after we’d signed the fall recruiting class when I went on record by saying, “…we’re very excited. This is three classes in a row that are extremely strong. Obviously we’ve got to keep the ball rolling and we will.” And then one year later after an embarrassing home loss to Western Carolina I said “We have to recruit. Our talent level is not where it needs to be right now.” See what I mean? Anyways, thanks for having short memories and not taking me to task over these and other conflicting statements.
Thank you for being the only fan base in America which believes basketball is like horseshoes. It’s not results that count, it’s how close you get. Remember that. In fact, I want all of y’all sitting in the front row to get that tattooed as a tramp stamp. “Pitino Basketball is like horseshoes”. Oops…. I said “tramp”. (giggle)
Thank you for giving me a pass even though it’s obvious that I didn’t put much effort into recruiting this year. Big whoop. Drink some koolaid and let’s all blame this one on Karen Sypher. Can I have an “Amen”!? Tom, there are some disgruntled fans in the back row that appear to be talking amongst themselves. They didn’t give me an “Amen”. Please escort them out of here. To borrow a phrase from my buddies I’ve planted on the message boards “You’re not true Louisville fans.”
By the way, thank you for allowing me to use the excuse “But we’re so young” nearly every year I’ve been here. I love that excuse.
Thank you to the local media for never holding me accountable. Bozich, Crawford.. you guys are the best. You members of the fourth estate have never held me accountable for anything, never asked any difficult questions, and have never written a single article questioning my lack of results. You continue to give me a pass and I appreciate that. You’re WAY better than those guys in Boston. Man, I had to get out of there. They had the audacity to hold me responsible for everything dealing the Celtics even though I was only the coach and general manager. The NERVE of them. But not you guys, so thanks. I needed to be some place where I’d be untouchable, treated like the King that I am. I looked for safe refuge where I could be a big fish in a small pond, where I’d be coddled by the press who were afraid of a strong-armed athletic director. Ummm… Tom, you can let Rick and Eric out of that headlock now…
Speaking of the press, a big thanks to my buddy Pat Forde for co-writing another book with me. If y’all want results, try this on for size: I’ve produced two books and zero championships at Louisville. How many books have YOU written?? Two Books! Now that’s results. So there. I may not be successful on the court but I’m successful in writing books on how to be successful!
Oh, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart (holds hand over heart) for not holding me accountable when I embarrassed this great university and its fans by cheating on my wife and knocking up some skank and then dragged the university’s name through the mud during this whole sordid affair. As I said- it was a mistake. Like dropping a glass of milk or tripping on a chair. It was a simple mistake, so stop making it out to be a bigger thing than it was. Besides, immediately after the my trial… I mean, her trial, the man who hired me, the only man who counts, Tom Jurich, stated “He’s a grand ambassador for this athletic program.” And that’s all that matters.
The reality is that it doesn’t matter one iota what you so-called fans think. Tom Jurich has got my back.
Anyways, THANK GOD Karen Sypher hired an incompetent attorney. Whew… I wouldn’t be standing here today if she’d hired someone who had a clue what they were doing like Gloria Allred. So that’s another thing I’m thankful for.
Tom, (looks over to Tom Jurich lovingly) thank you for not invoking the morals clause of my contract and firing me. Everyone knows that morals clauses don’t really apply to rock stars like me and Tiger Woods and Jesse James. Okay, so maybe that’s not the best comparison since neither one has an employer, and their wives divorced them. But you get my drift- morals clauses are for nobodies. I’m above a morals clause.
I want to thank my wonderful wife, Joanne Minardi, for standing by me.. (looks around) Whoops… never mind. Scratch that statement from my speech and instead let’s go with – Thank you for never mentioning that my wife didn’t stand by me during the trial, that she never attends Louisville basketball games and that she never makes public appearances with me. Let’s move on.
And finally, I wanna give a big shout out to my ol buddy- Tom Jurich. Despite my subpar work performance and embarrassing sexual escapades, Tom stands by me. So thanks Tom for not only calling me the grand ambassador for this athletic program, and but for re-upping my contract and increasing my pay to a whopping $2.5 million a year. I’ve not done the math, but I bet I’ve made more money in 9 years then old Denny made in 30 years here. Tom, you rock !!
Where would I be without you, Tom? I love you, man. Loyalty Over Everything !
Thank you for allowing me to have the best job in the world. Words cannot express how great it feels to be the highest paid public employee in the state of Kentucky and never be held accountable for anything.
And now, if you would all stand and repeat after me, “I, state your name, feel lucky that we have such an amazing coach like Rick Pitino. I promise I will never question anything he does. Despite our large, loyal fanbase, our top-notch facilities and our storied tradition, there is no way we could have gotten to one final four in the past nine years without him. He’s worth every penny the $30-40 million we’ve paid him.” You may be seated.
So in summary, I want to thank the University of Louisville administration (ignores the school president and the board of regents, but nods to Tom Jurich), the cowering media, and my legions of clueless fans for never holding me accountable for a single thing.
Thank you for never holding me accountable. The NCAA sucks! Sandy Bell sucks! God bless America !!