From hardwood to hardwood, Knoxville is 173.25 miles from Lexington. Sounds like an easy enough trip, right? Not when you decide to take your famous friend (who shall remain anonymously referred to as Chuck) on a two day long, gonzo-style road-trip through the backwoods of Tennessee.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011:
7:00 AM – Woke up to Chuck calling my phone. Said he was picking up beer. I told him to not forget the bourbon. “Winning!” he said before hanging up.
10:00 AM – Got on the wrong interstate. Decided to just play it out and get a better picture of Tennessee by hitting Nashville and coming back through the middle. Stopped in Franklin, KY for our last Commonwealth visit before entering Vol territory. Lost Chuck, but found him inquiring to this Indian about the nearest place to score blow. Said the spirits told him to look in “Tyler Smith’s bedroom, underneath the guns”.
12:00 PM – Thought it best to go ahead and check into a Nashville hotel for the night before enjoying the city. Saw the Drake Hotel and immediately knew we must pay homage to our favorite UK fan/rapper. Guy behind the counter in UT shirt looked at Chuck funny when he took a swig of Woodford in the lobby, so Chuck urinated on his desk. Oddly, the coloration was akin to Volunteer Orange (mixed with dragon blood). Woolridge line?
3:00 AM – Chuck forced me to rewatch Meeks 54-point performance once we got in the room, and take a shot each time he scored a point. We have no recollection of any events thereafter. The only evidence that we were alive is the receipt from an strip club in Chuck’s pocket and the UT football shirt that reads “It’s Time” on the front that somehow ended up on Chuck’s back. Investigation forthcoming.
Thursday, March 3 2011:
10:30 AM – Barely made check out, jumped back on I-40 to Knoxville. Received phone call in hotel room at 5:45 AM from a Nashville prostitute asking Chuck if he could help her with rent because her pimp, “Brucie”, took her entire cut, saying he needed help with lawyer’s fees in an NCAA case. Chuck tried to get her off the phone by saying he had The Clap, but she told him that was ironic because her second reason for calling was to inform him that she may have given him syphilis.
2:00 PM – Stopped in Lebanon to for lunch. Passed a UT bus full of football recruits and scantily clad women pulling into the Dix Plaza Motor Lodge above. They saw the UK sticker on my Prius, and one brandished a gun. Chuck flashed them his monster bag of pot and offered to smoke them out. I declined, dropping him off with them. Haven’t seen him since.
4:00 PM – Found Chuck. Kept mumbling something about “sour”.
6:00 PM – Let him drive the rest of the way while I took a nap. Woke up to find he had passed Knoxville and landed us in Green County. What the hell goes on in Green County, TN?
10:00 PM – THIS is what goes on in Green County (NSFW language, urination, and obesity). Chuck wore his UT “It’s Time” shirt today for fun. BigVOLdaddy spotted us at the local gas station, and stormed over after unzipping his fly then grabbing lighter fluid and matches out of his truck bed. I said, “Look, there’s Kiffin!” then jumped in the car and sped off. We heard him screaming in the background, “I’ma bust you like a Trojan, Lane Kiffin!”
11:00 PM – Finally at our Knoxville hotel. Chuck hooked us up with the very nice Hotel St. Oliver, seen above. He tore the mirror off the wall for recreational use later, only to find that written on lipstick in the back was, “Bruce’s Kosher Sausage wuz here”.
2:00 AM – Woke up to a snorting sound. Turned and saw Chuck banging lines off the mirror. Heard faucet running in bathroom. Layla Kiffin walked out. Pretended to be asleep. Closed eyes. Listened. Pulled a Vinnie Tatum.
Friday, March 4, 2011:
8:00 AM – On the way to breakfast, spotted Steven Pearl and Tyler Summit cornering a couple UK fans in an alley. I ran over, trying to help. Turns out that ‘Hop‘ and ‘Swiperboy‘ (pictured above in action) are running a drug trafficking operation, with Pearl and Summit as the lowliest of minions. Got them to back off once they realized Chuck made several purchases last night that accounted for 50% of Hop’s annual business.
12:00 PM – Grabbed lunch and checked out Thompson-Boling for any secret ways to sneak in after hours. Turns out its located on Philip Fulmer Way in Knoxville, which means that road is widely known for being the biggest waste of space in the city. While walking, we happened upon Derek Dooley. Tried to say something to him, but he kept marching on with his arm straightforward in a salute. Mumbled something on Germans and World War II.
5:00 PM – Laying low in the hotel while Chuck runs some pharmaceutical errands. Told him I was thinking about coming along, but he said that if I tried to do what he did, that “you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” Told him I’d pass on that. Guess I’ll just sit back and wait til we take on those fools and trolls at noon on Sunday.