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Need-to-Know Wednesday Sends the Grads Out Into the World!


How goes things? Enjoying the onslaught of summer? You have some potato salad on your face. No, other side. There, you got it.

Ahem. As many of you may or may not know, I am a professional commencement address speaker. As such, I’m often traveling around the country, imparting words of wisdom to young minds, and I am paid top dollar for it.

Today, then, I thought I might share with you a graduation address I recently gave to Dick Van Patten University in Provo, Utah. My thanks go out to the very kind staff and students of DVPU (go fighting Dick Van Pattons!) for their accommodative spirit during my stay there. As I realize many of you may be graduating high school or college yourselves, or know someone who may be, I thought this inspiring missive might be timely, and thus it is reprinted here.


Esteemed Graduates,

I am very happy to be here today. Partly because your school is paying me an exorbitant amount of money, which will finally cap off and deliver the final payment on my Bellavista brand salon spa bath and jacuzzi, which you may not come to my house and enjoy. Instead, you must head out of these hallowed halls and into your own lives, with the world ahead of you. Many things are in store for you, graduates. And you must be prepared.

For instance, it’s not unlikely that many of you might inadvertently and mistakenly commit yourselves to playing sports at an established northwestern University. This happens, and you should know that nothing is set in stone until financial aid papers seem to make it look very likely that you will be changing your mind. Trust me, people will love you for this. Well, most people. On one side of the country.

Some of you may continually be damned by those who project that you’re a wrongdoer, despite no evidence of such. Those people can suck it.

Some of you may enjoy a stellar year of college before declaring yourself eligible to become a professional in your chosen field. In fact, some of the best dentists I’ve ever had were plucked straight out of their freshman year, and just yesterday I learned that the young man who prepares my taxes and handles my funds was so promising that he entered the accountancy straight out of high school. Perhaps this is why he refers to my payment to him as an “allowance,” but he has distributed my hard-earned commencement speaking money into a series of lucrative high-yield stocks, and for that I’m appreciative. His tweets are also a delight (“another day another municipal bond yall!”)

Some of you may find that your girlfriend has been using your hairbrush. There is no reason to overreact.

Some of you, who are ladies, may find yourselves having to work or travel with a boorish, uncouth misogynist who you will find offensive on every level. There will be several hilarious moments when he does things that you can’t stand. After a while, though, you’ll learn that he’s actually really nice and, at the end of the movie, you will suddenly realize you have fallen in love.

Some of you will totally intend to get a lot done today, but it will be Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, and that’s just really hard to turn off. This is normal.

At least a couple of you will learn you are wizards and have to fight some ancient family enemy. Sorry, I don’t know what to tell you, because I don’t read those books.

It’s going to be a wonderful life for you, graduates. So get out there and grab the bull by the horns. Remember, the world is your oyster. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go enjoy my new jacuzzi spa bath. No, you can’t come too. Congratulations, graduates!

Article written by C.M. Tomlin