As many of you know, Oscar season is upon us. Undoubtedly, thousands of this site’s readers waited with baited breath as the Academy read off the list of nominees a few weeks ago, and undoubtedly many of you were as disappointed as I was that Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium was shamelessly snubbed. I mean, Michael Clayton? More like Michael Clay-terrible, right? Who’s with me?
Sure, many of you probably sat through Atonement, with your monacles and your fancy canes and top hats on. And sure, you probably stood in line for weeks so you could be first to see Elizabeth: The Golden Age, dressed as your favorite character, Sir Francis Walsingham. But we here at Kentucky Sports Radio see beyond the hype. That’s why today we’re pleased to announce the winners of our own Oscars. Congratulations to all of this year’s champions, and please contact this site with details on how to receive your statuette and celebrity gift bags.
Best Actor: Robert Burke, RoboCop 3
Many said that Burke couldn’t follow up the early success of Nightmare Weekend and an episode of The Equalizer by stepping into Peter Weller’s immense shoes (K-Mart topsiders, $8.99), but critics everywhere cheered the tender sensuality and chemistry he had with co-star Nancy Allen, who didn’t even need to read the script to know that this was a movie, and that she had the free time. Plus, this RoboCop had a jet pack. Suck it, Peter Weller! Your prime directive is to get schooled by Robert Burke.
Best Actress: Mary Kay Place, Captain Ron
Delving deeply into the character of Katherine Harvey, Place is the perfect accompaniment to a manic and always hilarious Martin Short in this 1992 comedy, which pits the Chicago couple against a bedraggled sailor (Kurt Russell). Despite the fact that Russell’s character, named Captain Ron (like the title), leers creepily at Place’s sixteen-year old daughter and teaches her son to drink, the true performance comes within the struggle of a woman coming to terms with the corruption of her children by a dirty hobo. And that’s a winner in my book.
Best Supporting Actor: Craig T. Nelson, Troop Beverly Hills
Nelson turns in a riveting performance in this 1989 gem by getting into the soul behind Freddy Nefler, an estranged husband who cannot understand why prissy Hollywood wife Phyllis would want to leave her lush lifestyle and camp out with a girl scout troop. Nelson delivers a charmingly befuddled performance as he comes to terms with his wife’s true calling, even if he can’t ever forgive her for leaving Cheers. Watching Nelson act has always been, and always will be, magical — like watching a kitten ride a unicorn over a field of balloons.
Best Supporting Actress: Marion Ramsey, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol
As the sweet and unassuming Sgt. Laverne Hooks, Ramsey channeled the great comediennes of yesteryear. Her high pitched, squeaky voice only belies her talent (production notes of PA4 reveal that Jones has a much more “commanding” voice in real life), and the juxtaposition between the soft-spoken Sgt. Hooks and the tough-gal cop character she finds in extreme circumstances creates a performance for the ages. She later went on to great success as “Woman in Audience” in a Season 2 episode of The Nanny, for which she won a “Best Actress” award from Steve Guttenberg during a ceremony that took place in his garage, and was mailed her construction-paper trophy immediately afterward.
So there you go, folks. You can keep your Tom Wilkinsons, your Tilda Swintons, and your oh-so-fancy Casey Afflecks. We here at KSR know what’s what. Congrats to the winners.
Until next time, folks, enjoy the following short films.