How’ve you been? Did you ever get that thing taken care of? No, I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to see it. That’s gross. You shouldn’t show that to people.
Today I write to you in sympathy, because I know so many of you are nursing the gaping hole in your hearts and souls now that the US’ World Cup chances are over. It’s difficult, to be sure, to suddenly become interested in something because nothing else is happening, and pour all you have into that, and then have it be suddenly over. But as I’m nothing if not a problem solver for you, dear readers, today I’ve compiled a list of upcoming sporting events in which you may decide to grow randomly attached. Hopefully, this will help soothe the absence of World Cup soccer in your lives. You’re welcome.
The Tour de France
When: July 3-25
What It Is: A multi-day bicycle race from Rotterdam to Belgium.
How You Can Appear to be Interested: Wear spandex, talk about spokes, ask things like “who do you think is the favorite in the Liege-Bastogne-Liege stretch?”
What You Need to Know: Some of the favorite and dark horse candidates to win the 2010 Tour de France include Alessandro Petacchi, Alberto Contador, Thor Hushovd and Fabian Cancellara. Every one of these people would hit on your girlfriend.
The Henley Regatta
When: June 30-July 4
What It Is: A series of mile-long paddling sprints by crews in longboats.
How You Can Appear to be Interested: Make sure everyone sees you googling the boating condition of the Thames River, put a “MY OTHER CAR IS A FOUR-MAN SHELL” bumper sticker on your car.
What You Need to Know: The Queen Mother Challenge Cup is an annual Henley Regatta rowing event for men’s quadruple sculls and a highlight of the regatta. Other highlights of the regatta include monacle-wearing, cane-sporting, moustache-grooming, theater-discussing and sexual repression.
One Day International Cricket England V. Australia
When: July 3
What It Is: A major rivalry between the two countries played at Lord’s Cricket Ground in England.
How You Can Appear to be Interested: Drop the terms “mid-wicket,” “middle stump” and “popping crease” into conversation whenever relevant. Or whatever other ridiculous words and phrases you can come up with (booples, fleeks, pumples).
What You Need to Know: Cricket is a lot like baseball, only everyone’s really dressed up. Also, if anyone asks, you can completely make up whatever you want because no one native to this country knows anything about cricket. Have fun with it!
The Commonwealth Games
When: October 3-14
What It Is: The Largest Collective Sporting Event New Delhi, India has ever hosted, a sort of mini-Olympics consisting of many different games.
How You Can Appear to Be Interested: Hang out in Indian bars, start following the career of Pakistani squash player Farhan Mehboob.
What You Need to Know: The Commonwealth Games include sports such as netball, table tennis, lawn bowls and badminton. It totally sounds like the best fourth of july barbecue ever.
The 98th Grey Cup
When: November 28
What It Is: A championship game in Edmonton, Alberta determining the winner of of the 2010 Canadian Football League season.
How You Can Appear to Be Interested: Deck yourself out in Saskatchewan Roughriders or Montreal Alouettes gear, say “aboot” a lot.
What You Need to Know: Canadian football. That’s cute. Look at ’em, they’ve got uniforms and helmets and everything. I’ll bring the orange slices for halftime!