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Need-to-Know Wednesday Knows the Truth About John Wall!

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Friends,

By now, you’re undoubtedly aware that our very own beloved uberfreshman John Wall is featured mightily in the great Sports Illustrated’s January 5th issue, in which he is details his upbringing, his spot in Calipari’s elite supersquad and his love of the Food Network’s smash hit Ace of Cakes (cut because of space constraints).

But perhaps you haven’t read it yet. If so, allow me to be of some help. I was recently sent a proof copy of the story to check its factuality, and I can tell you that not only did I run immediately to Kinko’s to photocopy it and show all my friends, but that I was also very surprised by some of the truths revealed. Below you’ll find some unexpected facts which may or may not have made the SI cut by press time.

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-John Wall is dangerously close to making Clark Kellogg’s mind explode. CBS shotcallers have reportedly removed Kellogg from future Kentucky telecasts, fearing that the excitement may cause irreparable damage to the CBS analyst.

-John Wall’s speed is not restricted to his running. He can also make talking sounds before he opens his mouth, a talent which won him the Word of God Christian Academy Talent Show three years in a row and earned him the title “America’s Best Young Ventriloquist” by Readers’ Digest Magazine (2002).

-John Wall has to wear shoes made of lead when not on the court. While we take things like going to the grocery store or a restaurant for granted, an unfettered Wall is simply too fast to perform the very tasks we handle every day. In fact, only last week it’s reported that he was forcibly ejected from four Central Bank locations when, while trying to get change for twenty dollars, he ran straight through the plate glass windows of said branches at speeds up to 70 miles per hour, frightening patrons and causing the branches’ closures.

-John Wall once jumped over the Statue of Liberty on a dare from Derrick Favors. The dare was just to jump over the Staten Island Ferry, but Wall is simply too powerful. He is wanted for this in the State of New York, and had to be smuggled into Madison Square Garden cleverly disguised as “John Calipari’s elderly aunt.”

-John Wall doesn’t use email because he can’t stand the time lag. When he wants to deliver a message to someone, he writes it on a piece of paper and runs to wherever that person is and hands it to them.

John Wall once ran so fast that he dunked on his future self.

-By the time you have read this sentence, the world will have turned a fourth of the way around its axis because John Wall was jogging in place. You’d better hope he stops doing that or this planet will spin so fast we will all fly off into outer space.

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I think we can all agree that it’s a good thing he’s on our side, friends. Congrats to Wall on quite an accolade in his SI coverage. If John Wall was my mailman, I’d have it by now. Until next week.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin