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Need-to-Know Wednesday Gets You Ready for the Derby Infield

Friends,

How are you? How did the procedure go? I can barely see the scar. Yes, you do look like Carol Channing. Top notch!

As you may have realized, if you follow the standard Gregorian calendar, this coming Saturday is officially the first of May, which by default also means that it must be the date of the running of the Kentucky Derby. Perhaps you’re planning on going, or perhaps you’re planning on just wearing a giant hat in the comfort of your own home. Today, as a service to those planning on attending the Derby Infield, I have been asked to reprint here an informational piece on protocol during the event.

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Welcome to the Derby Infield!

We at Churchill Downs would like you to know how excited we are that you could join us for the 136th Kentucky Derby — it’s sure to be a great day, and we’re very happy that you have decided to enjoy the Derby from the Infield.

To ensure safety for all our guests, please take a moment to heed the following information during your day at Churchill Downs.

-You no doubt, right now, have hard liquor duck taped all over your entire body. Yes, we may pretend we don’t know, but we do. All we ask is that you watch your step when navigating the oft-crowded Derby Infield. Believe us; impaled on a bottle of Rumplemintz in a pair of cargo shorts and a trucker hat is not a distinguished way to die. Please watch where you walk.

-Portable toilets are available at many locations in the Derby Infield. By early afternoon, however, will likely see long lines. We have been assured by the company which has rented us these facilities, however, that they should remain sanitary and fresh throughout the entire day. We have no reason not to take their word for that, but will be sure to monitor the situation from our air-conditioned suite on Millionaire’s Row.

-Please refrain from exposing your genitalia while visiting the Derby Infield. While we do realize the prestige of this fascinating sporting event can cause a great deal of excitement, it is generally better-enjoyed by keeping one’s clothes on. Please save your nudity for the Belmont Stakes or at Louisville’s acclaimed “Fourth Street Live!” â„¢

-We encourage Derby Infielders to bet on all of the days races gratuitiously. This is because we realize that no one in the Derby Infield knows anything at all about horseracing, but love to place bets. In fact, the recent construction completed at Churchill Downs was made entirely possible by funds from the Derby Infield 2007.

-Please be aware that no one here is “connected” to the horse industry, no matter what they say. No one in the Derby Infield knows anyone in the horse industry, or they wouldn’t be in the Derby Infield.

-You know that Kid Rock song that mixes Werewolves of London with Sweet Home Alabama? That song will play all day long. As a service to you.

-With luck, temperatures should raise into the upper eighties with a high humidity, ensuring that everyone around you will be as sweaty as possible. In an emergency, crews will place black plastic tarps all over the infield to make sure everyone remains completely hot as well as filthy.

-That’s not mud. We’re just saying.

-Go ahead. Mouth off to that cop. See what happens. I dare you.

-At the end of the day you will not look as good as you think you do. You should be aware of this. It’s the Derby Infield. After the last race, you will think you can just “go out dressed as you are.” You will be wrong.

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If you’re headed to the Derby this weekend, friends, please make sure you heed these official rules and guidelines, stay safe, and enjoy a great weekend in the Bluegrass. Until next week.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin