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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Need-to-Know Wednesday: Billy Gillispie is CRAZY about basketball!

Friends,

As you well know by now, the crack Need-to-Know team is nothing if not adept at in-depth research. While our methods may seem unconventional, we certainly get the job done.

Also, as you may or may not know, NTKW has had a mole in the University of Kentucky Men’s Basketball office for quite some time. This source, who will remain nameless, has managed to remain secretive throughout the years by an elaborate series of false moustaches, sunglasses and oversized hats. This allows him full access to the most private of UK recruiting information, and likewise allows us to present it to you.

As of late, it can be agreed that no one can accuse our beloved Coach Billy Gillispie of being lazy on the recruiting trail; truly, there is no harder working man in Division I basketball. Always hustling for the greater good of the program, Coach Gillispie has been all over the country in secret meetings with potential recruits — and has, in the office, begun circulating a series of top secret memos concerning his recruiting leads. Our man in the office recently intercepted one of those very emails, which we present to you today. Enjoy. And you’re welcome.

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Subject: Recruiting Weekly Update
To: Wildcat Coaches/Assistants
From: Gillispie, William C.

Gang,

Now that I finally have the time this offseason to pursue future recruits for the organization, I’ve been doing some research on prospects for upcoming seasons. I’ll be sending you periodic check-ins on these players and expect you will follow up on these leads as well. Let’s find out what we can about the following recruits and thanks in advance.

Michael Avery
Age: 15
School: Ascension Lutheran Middle School
Coach’s Notes: 6 foot 4, great inside presence. I think this kid’s the real deal, and a commit from him was the best day of my life. Likes girls, Playstation. Best method of communication is by text message. Stay on him.

Katelyn So
Age: 7
School: Holy Mother Elementary; Eugene, Oregon
Coach’s Notes: Shows real possibility, tenacity. Though I haven’t seen her play basketball, her four square techniques indicate a tenacity of competition. Big on unicorns. It’s important to think to the future, where men and women’s basketball will be less segregated, important to plan ahead. Forward thinking will pay off!

Lil’ Bow Wow
Age: 14
School: Orange County School of Performing Arts
Coach’s Notes: Was watching HBO yesterday and saw some tape of this kid. He’s the real deal. Has even spent some time in the NBA but still has college eligibility. Also seems to own a pair of magic shoes. Make sure those come with him and stay protected at all costs. Likes rap (see if Ramel has any leads).

Stymie (last name?)
Age: 6
School: Chester Arthur Pre-School, 1937
Coach’s Notes: Someone sent me some footage. This kid is the tallest I’ve ever seen. I saw him wearing a trenchcoat and he was easily eleven feet tall. By that rationale, he should be about 22 feet by college age. A little wobbly, needs some tips for footwork. Someone get a contact name!

Plastic Man
Age: 25
School: None
Coach’s Notes: Haven’t seen him play but photos impressive. Non-traditional student, would need help acclimating, but worth it. Can stretch his arms up to thirty feet and juke defenders by snaking around them. Easily a go-to guy. Always wears sunglasses. May be special needs.

Picture of basketball player
Age: Unknown
School: Unknown
Coach’s Notes: From early images, recruit shows remarkable ability to fast break while dribbling. Lean, athletic. Old-school style. No loyalty to shoe brand (get him to a Nike camp!). Saw some artist renderings of what may be his mother and father. Look into this.

Flower Pot
Age: Two Weeks
School: Twin Cities Florists, MN
Coach’s Notes: Luckily, happened upon recruit during recent visit to Minneapolis. Growing fast, which shows promise. Direction, water may yield stronger results. Unresponsive as of yet, but I’m confident. Will fill the forward position I anticipate open by graduation of oscillating fan (see last week’s notes).

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I don’t know about you guys, but the future looks bright. It’s nice to know Coach is on the job. Until next week, friends. And enjoy the following pair of classic sketches — two of the great ones, the first being my personal favorite sketch of all time (but beware some salty language).

Article written by C.M. Tomlin