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NCAA Unleashes Harsh Penalties Before End of 2015-16 Basketball Season

How Dare You Try to Recruit Kids From Turkey!

INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA (February 22nd, 2016) — In a press release that proclaimed the organization’s commitment to “upholding the right of fair play” and “strong, unprecedented rulings”, the NCAA Division I Committee on Infractions announced it has penalized three men’s basketball programs with mostly worthless penalties.

Though most of the penalties take effect immediately, they will not directly impact each program’s eligibility for post-season play, television revenues or other revenue streams, sources for each of the penalized programs confirmed to the Fake Press.

“It is a red-letter day for the NCAA,” Committee on Infractions Chairman and Big-12 Commissioner Barry Switzer said in a videophone conference with members of the press Monday afternoon. “We chased them down, we got them red-handed, and we booked them good.”

The penalized schools and their infractions are as follows:

* The University of Connecticut — After a 28-month investigation, the NCAA COI ruled that Head Coach Jim Calhoun failed to “monitor and promote an atmosphere for compliance” and “engaged in unethical conduct” when he instructed his administrative staff to recruit now-junior guard Willie McGovernen. The NCAA complied conclusive evidence that Coach Calhoun personally instructed his director of operations to “spare no expense” in securing the commitment of McGovernen.

The UConn men’s basketball program, who competed in the 2014 and 2015 Final Fours, was instructed by the NCAA to reduce their total number of scholarships from 13 to 12 for the next 3 years and can only contact recruits using FaceTime on their iPhones. Coach Calhoun himself will be limited in his coaching the first four games of the Huskies’ schedule; he will be forced to turn his back from the court on the sideline and must promise not to look at the video screens while the game is in play.

* The University of Tennessee — The NCAA COI ruled that Head Coach Bruce Pearl “engaged in unethical conduct” and “awarded improper recruiting inducements” when he invited several high-school athletes and their families to a week-long vacation at Disney World in Orlando, Florida. When pictures of the recruits and Pearl were reported 17 months ago, the NCAA interviewed Coach Pearl three times, with each interview ending with his denial of the trip.

Before the NCAA could serve it’s Notice of Allegations to the school in December, the University of Tennessee allowed Coach Pearl to publicly admit his wrongdoing in a tearful, soft-lensed interview with ESPN’s Andy Katz, which notably ended with Coach Pearl rending his garments and gnashing his teeth. The NCAA COI penalties prohibits Tennessee’s basketball staff from visiting recruits on any other day than Tuesday; Coach Pearl himself is not allowed in a theme park for the remainder of his tenure as head coach. Two unnamed assistant coaches for Tennessee were banished to Russia.

* Indiana University — The NCAA COI ruled that the athletic program and Head Coach Frank Martin “engaged in unethical conduct” and “engaged in immoral and unjust methods” due to the unorthodox training methods. The NCAA COI found that student-athletes were forced to engage in constant tests of strength and valor — including wrestling bears and running a gauntlet where members of the student body threw chairs at the student-athletes.

The Indiana men’s basketball program lost 3 total practice days and lost the right to use the specially-built Robert Montgomery Knight Athletic Center for student-athlete training. Coach Frank Martin is also prohibited from using “bad words and negative feeling words” towards his student-athletes.

“We think these penalties are fair, balanced and severe,” Switzer said. “Those coaches and those teams won’t be cheating no more.” Spokesmen for all three sanctioned programs announced that each university planned to appeal the rulings.

The penalties are unprecedented in their lack of actual penalty, Billy Gillispie of the college athletics watch-group “Coaches For Kids” told the Fake Press. “[The penalties] just aren’t tough enough,” Gillispie said.

Meanwhile the NCAA Committee of Infractions refused to comment on the scandal swirling Duke freshman center/forward Damien Laettner. In multiple post-game interviews on regional and national television, Laettner implored Duke fans to mail him his “scholarship fund” because Duke Athletics “ain’t paying me enough for this [expletive]”. Bank records obtained by the New York Times and the Fake Press confirm that Laettner has cashed checks written directly to him by Duke boosters.

“We don’t comment on either ongoing investigations or stuff we are just gonna ignore,” Chairman Switzer said.

Copyright (c) 2016 by the Fake Press. Duplication or republication is prohibited by law.


For more Fakery, follow my NSFW Twitter Account: @fakegimel

Article written by The Fake Gimel Martinez

I may be fake, but my passion for UK sports is real. Probably put all my best work at and, so go there when I start coasting here.

25 Comments for NCAA Unleashes Harsh Penalties Before End of 2015-16 Basketball Season

  1. The Fake Gimel Martinez
    2:52 am February 23, 2011 Permalink

    Yeah, I missed you guys too.

  2. rcpeck
    4:05 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink


  3. Philthy Phil
    4:11 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    It’s “Indiana University”

  4. BPsycho
    4:12 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    What an epic 1st post lol in the am!

  5. Doug Moe
    4:13 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    I hear the Good Doctor is forming his own watch-dog group to report violations concerning UK.

  6. SexnNursinHomes
    4:13 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    TFGM- glad to have ya back. Instant hilarity. Hopefully Mrs. TFGM gives you a looooooong leash.
    Need more cussing too. Like Too Short’s Cusswords.

  7. The Fake Gimel Martinez
    4:18 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    3) You know, I read “University of Indiana” at least 27 times between now and late last night, and I still thought it was correct. At least you guys know I am still a friggin’ idiot.

  8. cardhatinsob
    4:22 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    This post is effin sweet. Welcome back Fake Gimel!

  9. PolsonFor3(minutes)
    4:27 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK TFGM. Can you talk our man Gidel back?

  10. dazed
    4:28 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    All is right with the world again. While you were away…BTI still sucks

  11. Chris Thomas
    4:35 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink


  12. His name is Jarrod Polson......
    4:36 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    Doesn’t Frank Martin coach Kansas State?

  13. butlerdelt
    4:38 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    Obviously #12 doesn’t get the joke.

  14. His name is Jarrod Polson......
    4:43 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    I get the joke, the post is good, but the other two schools have the proper coaches and IU, not so much.

  15. Chris Thomas
    4:47 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    14) the JOKE #13 refers so is that Tom Crean will be fired after several more sub-par seasons, upon which they will settle for a coach like Frank Martin.

  16. Seneca
    4:48 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink


  17. jaxcats8503
    4:49 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    It’s funny because it’s true. It’s true because it’s funny. Glad to have you back, Fake Gimel! How often will you be posting??

  18. Scott
    4:51 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    Pretty Good Fake Gimel, glad to have you back.

  19. PhysicalPhil
    4:51 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink


  20. The Fake Gimel Martinez
    4:53 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    15) IU won’t settle with Frank Martin. They will usher him in as the Colonel that’ll march IU back into discipline, respect and victory. Candy Stripe Gestapo will prune the fanbase of those who just “like” basketball, so only the hardened disciples of RMK remain.

  21. Scott
    4:53 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    Ha, 14, Good post Fake Gimel, glad to have you back.

  22. Really?
    5:07 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink


  23. Soap MacTavish
    5:37 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    Ahh, Fake Gimel. The only KSR writer ever to respond to me on Twitter. Well done, sir.

  24. Tony Delk's Mom
    6:46 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    I still don’t get you form of “humor.”

  25. Eloy Po' Boy
    10:27 pm February 23, 2011 Permalink

    Great work Fake Gimel, as usual.