Here is my take on the draft….if you care….which you should…..
(1) Portland TrailBlazers – Greg Oden — The first pick of the draft is also the oldest man to ever be picked in an NBA Draft, 46 year old Greg Oden. Over the course of the last few weeks, Greg Oden has won me over as it looks like he has a sense of humor and may even be slightly clever. Yes he is ugly…yes he looks like he could be Stuart Scott’s dead. But as Chris Tomlin said, he looks like the sad Giant….that makes me want to like him.
(2) Seattle SuperSonics – Kevin Durant — Kevin Durant plays the role of the ying to Oden’s Yang by looking like the youngest guy in the draft with his skinny arms and “never seen a hint of facial hair” mug. Stu Scott continues his tradition of creeping me out with his lazy eye and asking terrible questions by making his second topic for the interview, Durant’s inability to lift 185 pounds. Good job Stu….why not ask Yi about Mao?
(3) Atlanta Hawks — Al Horford Continuing to pay out its “I bet you cant pick a power forward for five straight years in the draft” bet, the Atlanta Hawks take Al Horford, causing his father to begin indiscriminately waiving the Dominican flag. I often wonder if Americans would ever do this….if I got picked with the fourth selection of the Pakistani Cricket League, would I take an American flag? I doubt it.
(4) Memphis Grizzlies — Mike Conley Jr Conley goes fourth to the Grizzlies, ensuring that we will never hear of him again for about five years. During the post-draft interview, Conley’s dad explains that he is a good agent for Conley and Oden because they “trust him.” Yeah that will help in those complex legal negotiations…..of course if it gets tough, he can always just do a Triple Jump.
(5) Seattle Supersonics — Jeff Green Well the Boston Celtics found a way to do something absurd and incomprehensible again. They trade this pick for 32 year old Ray Allen, ensuring that the “we have Ray Allen and Allen Ray” jokes will continue for years. Jeff Green hugs his mother immediately and she looks 25 years old. First winner of the “is it his girlfriend or mom?” game in the Draft.
(6) Milwaukee Bucks — Yi Jianlain The Milwaukee Bucks pick the Winner of the Unintentional Comedy Draft by taking the Chinese wonder Yi. Fran Fraschilla, officially the whitest man outside of Mike Tirico at the Draft, calls him the “50 Cent of the NBA”…..uh yeah Fran, whatever. We also find out that Yi attened the Hollywood Premiere of Shrek 3. That is random…..but hey, Stuart tells us that he “rocks the Sean John”…..so did Chaing Ki Chek.
(7) Minnesota Timberwolves — Corey Brewer Corey Brewer is picked here, allowing us a chance to get a view of Dick Vitale live from his house in Florida. This happens every year. They never bring Dick to the draft. It always makes me wonder if that is his decision or the network’s. I honestly think that if you brought Vitale and Stephen A in the same room, the building would literally explode.
(8) Charlotte Bobcats — Brandon Wright The worst shooter/best athlete in the draft gets picked here, continuing the tradition of the Bobcats only picking guys who played for the Tar Heels. Okafor, May, Morrison, Wright….think the Bobcats have enough former college star big men? Oh yeah, Bilas just said that Wright “runs the floor like a deer.” That cant be PC.
(9) Chicago Bulls — Joakim Noah Before this pick we see Spike Lee in the crowd, getting ready to rationalize whatever selection the Knicks make (although he was right on Balkman). Noah once again looks absurd, but I kind of like him for that. Hair everywhere, seeksucker suit and a bow tie (which i fully expected to shoot water in David Stern’s eye)……I like a guy who says, “you know what, I know this looks ridiculous, but I can do it and you can deal with it.” If Hubby were in the draft I think he would have wore the same outfit. I am in the minority but I like Noah….but I think I like his mom more.
(10) Sacramento Kings — Spencer Hawes The soon-to-be worst team in the NBA just picked the first “Potential Big White Stiff” in the draft by taking Hawes (maybe Brad Miller needs a friend). I like Spencer and saw him play a GREAT game against Big Baby and LSU last season. Nevertheless, I live by the mantra that “one should always stay away from Big White Guys” in the NBA Draft (and life for that matter). Stu just said that Spencer has a “God Bless George Bush” bumper sticker on his car and he loves political debates. That should play well in the NBA and California…..Stephen A Smith just had a Stephen A moment where he began yelling for no apparent reason. Good to see he is awake.
(11) Atlanta Hawks — Acie Law IV The Hawks finally take a point guard and get Acie Law. WE find out that he is the great nephew of Ernie Banks….didnt know that. Did I just see Billy Clyde? Acie praises the Kentucky coach, calling him “one of the best college coaches in America.” Well isnt that nice….The first Senior taken and one of my favorite college players last year…..one of the things I like about Acie is that he always seems very serious and focused….and only in the NBA would someone say that 22 is old. Stu proceeds to call Law “Acie Earl”….seriously can anyone work at ESPN?
(12) Philadelphia 76ers — Thaddeus Young The 76ers (after a rant by Stephen A) go ahead and pick Thaddues Young, a guy you knew couldnt fall out of the lottery due to the great “potential.” I was really hoping Philly would pick Josh McRoberts here so I could laugh at the Dork potential of a McRoberts/Shavlik Randolph combo. The NBA Draft is so much faster than the NFL….I have only been here for an hour and we are halfway through….it seems a bit rushed.
(13) New Orleans Hornets — Julian Wright Julian Wright is picked which allows Dick Vitale to come on and scream for a minute about everything but Wright. Bilas says that Wright is “instinctive”, which is code for “stupid.” Bilas says we shouldnt worry about his “shot”, well of course not…..I mean its not like you are supposed to score to win. We also find out that Wright can bowl, which leads Stu to ask him in his first question, “what has bowling taught you?” Thats why Stu is the Mike Wallace of a new generation……..
(14) LA Clippers — Al Thornton The Clippers take a Senior and one that is likely ready to come in and score right away in Al Thornton. Thornton has a vicious underbite and looks to be the second NBA lottery pick that has braces….that must be a record. He does however have what may be the best tie of the lottery, which accounts for something. Thornton the first FSU guy picked in the First Round since Bobby Sura….wow theres a punk that I had forgotten existed.
(15) Detroit Pistons — Rodney Stuckey We have our first Eastern Washington selection in the Draft with our man Stuckey. Bilas says he “is not the kind of guy who guards his own man.” Well whose man does he guard? Stu asks Stuckey, “Who is Rodney Stuckey?” and Stuckey says “well its me.” That is nice. I am sure the Administration at Eastern Washington was happy to hear him say on his big night, “I didnt qualify out of high school so I had to go to Eastern Washington, so I did.” Thats some good school spirit!
(16) Washington Wizards — Nick Young So we dont get to watch anyone cry in the Green Room tonight as the last remaining guest gets picked by the Wizards. Stephen A shows his preparation for the Draft by saying, “there must not be any big men left, because the Wizards need a 4 or 5, any 4 or 5.” Not quite Charles Barkley saying, “I dont know anything about Tony Parker, but he got picked high so he must be good,” but it is still good. Nick Young talks and well…..I will be polite and say nothing. The Knicks make a trade thats not awful….Isiah must be comatose. David Lee is at the draft (my kind of dork….going to the draft)…..Blazers get Stevie Franchise….way to ruin Greg Oden’s career early.
(17) New Jersey Nets — Sean Williams The Nets pick a guy who got kicked off the team at Boston College for “multiple rule violations.” Apparently his problem is that he “used to smoke marijuana in his free time.” So does that mean not when he was on the court? We have gone 17 picks before our first guy that has been in rehab….and who says the NBA needs an image makeover?
(18) Golden St Warriors — Marco Belinelli We have our first guy that crashed the draft!!!! And even better, he is foreign! Our first Italian and Fran Fraschilla immediately compares him to Vinnie Del Negro and Brent Barry…..SLOW DOWN Fran….lets not set the expectations too high my friend. Very impressed with ESPN’s work on the foreigners this year, the video is not as grainy as usual…..almost now up to the quality of a UKTV production.
(19) LA Lakers — Javaris Crittenton Someone just woke up Stephen A!!! He is yelling about Kobe Bryant and making no sense…..I love the NBA Draft! So the Lakers take a Freshman point guard….I am sure that will really make Kobe Bryant happy. Maybe Javaris and Andrew Bynum can play video games together. Dickie V and Stephen A are now debating whether the 2007 or 2003 Draft is deeper, which was not the topic, nor even interesting….so it is perfect for the two of them. In the process, Dickie V makes a comment about Eva Longoria in bed….I am sure that doesnt creep her out at all. ESPN previews Jason Smith and Josh McRoberts still on the clock….WARNING: Bad White Guys ahead!
(20) Miami Heat (traded to Philly)– Jason Smith Knowing that Jason Kapono might depart and leave the hair gel quotient dangerously low in Miami, the Heat pick the Second Big White Stiff of the draft in Jason Smith from Colorado State. Lets see….he is a bit slow, a bit awkward and he played for a losing team at Colorado State….what could possibly go wrong? The Lakers GM is now admitting that they might trade Kobe in an interview with Jim Gray that looks like it is being done in a broom closet. Stephen A says that Kupchak “looks like he is going to cry”….how sensitive of you Stephen A.
(21) Philadelphia 76ers (traded to Miami) — Daequan Cook The third part of the Ohio St Freshmen group goes to the Heat amidst Bilas saying that he “needs to learn how to play with other people.” That is generally important for a basketball player. Cook is apparently throwing a party tonight to celebrate his draft selection with a 20 dollar cover in Dayton….aint no party like a Dayton party! Rod Thorn of the Nets is being interviewed and now that Hubie Brown has left the league, he is the newest “NBA executive who looks most like a corpse” award winner. Says Williams had a 1200 SAT, so he “has a brain”….is that all it takes?
(22) Charlotte Bobcats — Jared Dudley My favorite hideously ugly player just got picked as Jared “Scowl” Dudley goes to the Charlotte “college All Star” Bobcats. The Bobcats thus get another big guy and Adam Morrison softly weeps at the pending end of his NBA career. Knicks are on the clock and no matter what they do here, they are winners for the night. Getting Portland to take Stevie Franchise off their hands is a “Louisiana Purchase”-like steal.
(23) NY Knicks — Wilson Chandler Spike Lee gives his early thought by saying that the Knicks are going to pick “the brutha from Depaul.” That is a phrase that you dont hear a lot at major sporting events. The brutha ends up being the pick and is in the crowd ready to come crash the party. Brutha is wearing a smooth suit and looks like a standup guy. We see that according to ESPN he must improve: His Maturity. I guess that means less SpongeBob SquarePants and more “Meet the Press.” Some big Italian guy is wearing a Knicks jersey with no undershirt….here is a message for all of you that go with this look (and yes that means you Kentucky fan from Owsley County)….dont.
(24) Phoenix Suns (sold to Portland) — Rudy Fernandez Time for our third foreigner, this time his name is Rudy. Fran Fraschilla says “if he plays at Michigan St, UCLA or Kentucky, he is likely a lottery pick.” Well thanks for the props Fran. He plays for a team called DKT Joventut. That is a great name. I wish American teams would add initials at the beginning of their games. “Real Georgia, Ole Miss United, PNV LSU”….those are team names.
(25) Utah Jazz — Morris Almond You just knew this was coming didnt you? Utah picks the same kind of player every year, and they do it again, taking a guy from Rice. Now those of you that listen to the show know my feelings about Rice University….exs will do that to you. Plus is there anymore dorky name than Morris Almond? I hear that it was the backup name to “Carlton” for Alfonso Ribiero’s character on The Fresh Prince……also, in what world is having a moderately mentally handicapped Asian Girl with a lisp sing the National Anthem a good commercial for Southwest Airlines?
(26) Houston Rockets — Aaron Brooks I liked Brooks in college and have not understood why he has been looked at higher in the Draft. So he goes to the Rockets, who with Hayes playing a lot, have become one of my favorite NBA teams. Marc Jackson doesnt like this pick and he doesnt seem to like Chuck Hayes…..but Marc Jackson, I dont like you. I dont like your chubby face, your too-tight suit or your “Couldnt ever win the big one” game. So take that….
(27) Detroit Pistons — Aaron Afflalo Another Draft crasher shows up with Affalo being picked up by the Pistons. I was a bit distracted during this pick by the Benoit story. Apparently the news now is that someone from Stamford, Ct (home of the WWE) changed Nancy Benoit’s Wikipedia entry to say she was dead, 12 hours before the actual bodies were discovered. This stuff is just getting bizarre. But at least the WWE has an Undertaker on staff to handle the funeral arrangements.
(28) San Antonio Spurs — Tiago Splitter Boy you know the draft is going slow when the announcers are talking about what purchases the San Antonio franchise is making (this time a D-League team). In a shocking move, San Antonio picked yet another foreign guy that they wont get to bring over for a couple of years (I think when I went to Radio Shack to fix my television, they told me I needed a “Tiago Splitter”). The Spurs do this every single season and it works well for them. I am about 75% sure that at this point next year, they will pick David Beckham. Two more picks and still no Josh McRoberts or Big Baby…..
(29) Phoenix Suns — Alando Tucker First Team All American Senior is picked…..time to go to Dick Vitale!!! Vitale predictably talks about how he is a “winner” and knows the “team concept”….whatever that means. Hey, he just said that he is “quality people”….was that Dick Vitale or Chris Mosley? Vitale screams that he didnt get enough air time…..LOL, you gotta love the guy, crazy as a bird, but he still makes me laugh. Last pick of the first round (and my live blog) is coming…
(30) Philadephia 76ers — Petteri Koponen Well that was odd. They picked a Finnish guy….and he crashed the Draft! I never even fathomed that there could be a Finnish basketball player….and look, they are waving flags! He looks very happy, which is always good…..ESPN says he “Must Improve: Experience”. Well that should be relatively easy. So the first round ends….no Derrick Byars, Josh McRoberts, Big Baby or Nick Fazekas. Pick Byars and Fazekas….steals for the taking.
That is all for now….I need a nap.