With college football kicking off this weekend, it’s time to get as uniformed as possible for the season. So to help you all pretend like you know what you’re talking about when teams come up in casual conversations, I’ve highlighted a few names that might be good to know. This post covers the teams in the first half of the football season.
Andrew Jackson, Linebacker – By now you’re pretty well versed on Western, so this name should be familiar. He’s the “Sposed to be SEC guy,” he “ain’t worried about UK,” and he is more affectionately known as Old Hickory. Lost in all that, he’s a pretty good football player, too. Returning Sun Belt player of the year, and on a plethora of preseason award watch lists.
Bobby Petrino, Motorcycle enthusiast – Possibly the only guy to come out of Louisville that could make Rick Pitino look like an honest, nice guy you’d trust your daughter with. A small portion of the fan base wanted him as UK’s coach, but Stoops pretty easily won them over in his first few months. That being said, dude knows how to coach football – at least better than he knows how to “ride a motorcycle”.
Forrest Lamp, All Name Candidate – Has yet to see the field, but is probably already tired of Forrest Gump comparisons, as well as jokes involving the phrase “I love lamp.”
Dawan Scott, Wide Receiver – Will likely contend for all conference in the MAC, finished last year with 851 yards on 57 receptions, and will have a capable senior quarterback (albeit a QB in his first year as a starter) throwing to him.
Kyle Kron, Miami Student – Because he wrote, directed, shot and produced this video unveiling the Miami Ohio new uniforms. And it includes cheesy monologues, a switcharoo in to a hip hop song, ubiquitous shots of a car spliced in between shots of Miami ‘highlights’ that all look like plays made on accident. It’s awesome. Kyle Kron, you’re awesome.
Jack Snowball, All Name Candidate – Freshman running back from Ohio who is majoring in University Studies. You get ’em Snowball. This is your world, we’re just living in it.
Teddy Bridgewater, Quarterback – Could be the best quarterback Kentucky faces all year, because he could be the best quarterback in the nation. Gone are the days of 102 total yards in a game against Kentucky in 2011, and here are the days of 3700 yards on the season, 27 TD’s and only 8 picks in a 2012 campaign. Dude is a stud, and possible Heisman candidate.
Gigi’s, Bakery – Because aside from delicious baked goods, they apparently made Louisville’s schedule this year. If Teddy wins the Heisman, it’ll be on the back of empty cupcake wrappers everywhere.
Finesse Middleton, All Name Candidate – Finesse is a freshman defensive tackle, who barely beat out Royce Donovan for this All Name selection. Neither of them have done anything at Louisville yet, but I don’t really like the actor that plays Ray Donovan, so Finesse gets the nod.
Jeff Driskell, Not-Tebow – He’s a white Florida QB who is known for his running, is decent enough in the passing game, and will be an NFL bust. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Still, this is the first time Florida has had back to back seasons with the same QB and Offensive Coordinator combo, so that has to count for something. As Driskell goes, so go the Gators – at least in the games where it matters.
Tony Jones, Chief of Police in Gainesville – Because it’s not Florida Football if their players aren’t barking at police dogs.
Matt Jones, All Name Candidate – The Florida starting Tailback ran for 275 yards and 3 TD’s on 52 carries his freshman year. He’s getting over a viral infection *literally* right now, so he may miss the first game, but after that he is expected to start for Florida. More importantly, he joins Matt Jones at Duke as having the name most likely to make our Matt Jones upset.
Sidebar: Can we address how upsetting it is that the “I am Matt Jones” commercial never made it online anywhere? That I can find, at least? That’s ridiculous. Anyway, back to the names.
Jadeveon Clowney, Mountain – Despite not having a dominating first game statistically against North Carolina, Clowney is the next in the line of possible ‘first defensive player to win the Heisman’ talks. But building off the hype from last year, if he can have a dominating season, he might actually be the first to pull it off. Either way, we’re guaranteed to see more hits like this as long as he’s healthy, before he departs for the NFL.
Steve Spurrier, OBC – Because there are only so many more years the old ball curmudgeon can keep it going, right? At Florida, we all hated him. At South Carolina, we started off not really liking him. By now he reminds us of our ornery granddads, who make mischievous jokes and then give you a wink when grandma gets mad. Keep doing you, Spurrier.
Jasper Sasser, All Name Candidate – A Freshman Safety out of Jacksonville, he played RB, QB, WR and DB in high school, likely all at the same time. Because when your name is Jasper Sasser, the rules of time and space do not apply.
TJ Yeldon, Running Back – Because writing about AJ McCaron’s terrible tatto, or his insanely beautiful girlfriend is old hat at this point. Nick Saban is to running backs as John Calipari is to point guards – they’ve always got an elite one, to the point where it almost seems unfair. TJ Yeldon is next in line, replacing Eddie Lacy from last year. While it’s still a little uncertain as to whether or not Yeldon can carry to load Lacey did, don’t be surprised if you see him dancing towards the end zone in the BCS championship game in January.
Kirby Smart, Still An Assistant – Smart was the hot name for programs looking for coaches last year – and the year before that, and the year before that – but once more went an off season without taking a head coaching job. It’s unclear whether or not he’s waiting for the right job to come along, or just wants to keep working with Saban – who, by all accounts, seems like a *pleasure* to work with – but either way he’s back with the Tide this season. Time will tell as to whether he should have struck while the iron was hot, or if it really matters at all in the grand scheme of things.
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, All Name Candidate – One of the few All Name Candidates that actually produces on his team. Clinton-Dix started 10 games last season, tied for the most interception in the SEC with 5, and recorded 37 tackles. And Ha Ha is how I imagine Nick Saban would laugh, if he ever did such a thing.