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Maurice Clarrett’s Newfound Love of Kevlar and other items of note

Now comes news that former Ohio State running back, Maurice Clarett has been arrested while trying to evade police. Apparently, Mr. Clarrett (I can’t remember exactly how to spell it and I’m too tired to look it up) was found to have 3 pistols, 1 assault rifle, and a half full (or half empty depending on his level of optimism) bottle of vodka. While this might sound like a Compton version of “Twelve Days of Christmas”, this list excludes the two most frightening and, in turn, ridiculous items found on the former Buckeye. A hatchet was also found in the vehicle and Clarett was reportedly wearing a bullet-proof vest. You heard right–a hatchet and a BPV. But wait, the story gets more bizarre. Apparently, police tried to slow Clarrett with a taser, but failed miserably thanks to his BPV (Apparently those cops hadn’t seen Back to the Future–Dr. Brown withstood four shots from an assault rifle aimed by Libyans thanks to his BPV). As a result, Clarrett was maced and, apparently due to his lack of a mace-proof vest on his face, the mace had the desired effect. Furthermore, Clarrett was due to appear in court tomorrow on robbery charges dating back to last year. I’m not a lawyer, but my guess is this might complicate things. The most recent piece of info on this story says that his bail has been set at $5million (pinky to the edge of my mouth), proving that the judge is obviously a Michigan fan.

In one way, this truly is a sad story about a young man who very obviously has some serious problems and who once held such great promise as the toast of college football. While it is scary to even imagine what Clarrett’s intentions were, we as sports fans will undoubtedly ask, “If Clarrett had been granted the right to play in the NFL after his freshman year of college like he wanted, would he have gone down this same road?” While no one can answer this question with any degree of accuracy, it is interesting to bat around. Personally, I don’t think Clarrett would have been a star in the NFL like he intended, but he probably would have been a 1st-2nd round pick after his freshman year and would have received compensation deserving of his draft number. Would this newfound wealth have kept Clarrett out of trouble long enough to allow him to mature into a man, or would it have merely masked and at best delayed his emotional/psychological problems? I certainly don’t know, but can’t help but shaking my head in disappointment at what could have been. (After re-reading this I think I came across as a bleeding-heart. Time to play some Toby Keith, put in a chew of Red Man, and burn the Memoirs of Charles de Gaulle, in order to get the red-blooded, flag-waving American part of me back to the forefront. That was an ode to you, Mr. Walters.)

Finally, to my Legal Eagle friends. I am well aware of the fact that Maurice hasn’t been convicted, innocent until proven guilty, etc., etc., etc., (yawn), and that there is, perhaps, a perfectly good explanation for what happened. I could be that Maurice was taking the guns to a local orphanage so that the kids would have something to play with during the summer months. The bullet-proof vest was going to be so that the kids could have a target, the hatchet was to be used as a prop for history class when Maurice would demonstrate how Washington chopped down the cherry tree, and the vodka had been poured out over a paper cut that Maurice had received while mailing invitations to a tupperware party he was hosting. The mace was possibly a big misunderstanding as well in that Maurice probably had a chalupa from Taco Bell and requested just a squirt from the officer so that his chalupa would be, “south of the border”. The officer’s aim was errant, and thus we get the story that Maurice was maced. There, that’s your case, defense lawyers. Man this lawyerin’ stuff is easy.

Article written by Mosley