Over the course of the next couple of days, we will break down all the regions in the Tournament with the help of our top-notch group of mini-Doug Gottliebs. Use this info at your own risk. First up is the South Region, compiled by The Turkey Hunter:
Welcome to the South Bracket Ultrasound brought to you by Kentucky Sports Radio, the Turkey Hunter and Meijer Brand Sleeping Pills! Time to get out your brackets loyal readers as I’ll be giving you predictions so air-tight you’ll be thinking I’m the bastard love child of Punxsutawney Phil and Medium’s own Alison Dubois.
Starting out- you have Memphis playing the University of Texas at Arlington. Think of this 1 vs. 16 match up much like you would Coaches vs. Cancer: as much as you would like to see the upset here, you already know the outcome. While University of T at A boasts a recent Southland Conference Championship and an upcoming performance of Aladdin in Texas Hall, they are playing Memphis in Little Rock, Arkansas. The smell of unsolved homicides may distract UTA but surely not the fine fellows of Tunica East.
This match up of 8 vs. 9 features the SEC’s own Mississippi State Bulldogs against the Ducks of Oregon. Since we all had a chance to make our own observations regarding State, I’ll fill you in a little bit about the 18-13 Ducks. While they had a nice regular season win over Stanford, their best work came in the form of keeping Arizona and its topless beach equivalent, Arizona State, firmly planted on the bubble at the end of the season. While Oregon wasn’t afraid to put its fingers in the respective AZs’ peanut butter, State is long… and strong… and down to get the friction on. Plus, they always know probation is a heartbeat away and Scotty Hopson ain’t coming so they better make it count right now.
Say hello to Michigan State (5) and Temple (12) coming at you from an elevation the announcers are sure to give way too much credit for influencing the outcome of the game. I’m positive the Spartans will stay true to Big Ten conference mandates and attempt to keep the game in the low 20s while the spirit of John Chaney will haunt Tom Izzo and “knock your [email protected]#king kid in the mouth!” When you pair a program that will send in the goons against one that has the kid from Powder running point, who would you wager your kids college fund on? Look for an upset here.
Next up, (4) Pittsburgh vs. (13) Oral Roberts. On paper, this one is easy. Pittsburgh not only took the Big East Tourney this year, but also laid claim to the Hispanic College Fund Challenge very early in their campaign- AY CARUMBA!!! As impressive as that is, Oral Roberts has God on their side. More importantly, they have a ride or die wife of the university president who “allegedly” sent tons of text messages on the company phone to underage boys in order to sure up some strange. You might have missed that story behind the “Oral Roberts Accused of Money Laundering” and “Oral Roberts Erects Another Dumbass Statue on Campus” headlines that usually take the front page. But know this, if Lindsay Roberts makes the trip to Denver, coach Dixon better cut off the hotel phones or else Pittsburgh is gonna have a late night come March 19th. Think Marion Wormer right before her trip to Florida. As the old saying goes, the Clergy should do more than Lay People- but not when daddy needs the cover.
(6) Marquette takes on old nemesis (11) Kentucky in Disneyland. Most of the nation right now is running their proverbial mouth-huggers over why we shouldn’t be in this tournament and lesser teams should. As I write this, in the background on my television, Wyatt Earp just told Ike Clanton “You called down the thunder, well now you got it!” That about sums it up.
(3) Stanford takes on (14) Cornell in a contest that would surely make a better science olympiad than basketball game. You have to put your money on the Cardinal due to their strong interior game, but should any team fear a tandem of brothers named Robin and Brook? They rank somewhere between Laverne/Shirley and Hall/Oats in the scary name department. Oh boy, the Meijer Sleeping Pill portion of these assessments just meandered in- I will start the apologizing right now.
(7) Miami is scheduled to meet (10) St. Mary’s in the other part of the tourney to be played in Little Rock, Arkansas. St. Mary’s starts an O’Leary and a Patrick and this game is to be played the week of St. Patrick’s Day? Uh, somebody call coach Bud Kilmer and ask him how things work out for a team when your players show up drunk. This may be a story for another time, but Matt and I took a road trip around the continental U.S. during the summer of 04 for no other reason than to see what fun bourbon leads to in other states. Results were varied on our 4,000 mile sojourn except there will be no more ridiculous night than the one we spent in Little Rock Arkansas that culminated in a 4a.m. rendition of “All by Myself” to a pair of lipstick lesbians we met 6 hours and 40 miles earlier on a mechanical bull. Whatever team finds that bull first will win the game- mark it down.
(2) Texas looked pretty good in the Big 12 title game before falling to Kansas . However, they are taking on the Governors of (15) Austin Peay. The Govs being located close in proximity to the Turkey Hunter’s home lair makes them a team to root for but not to bet on. If history is any indication, Peay will be able to put out a couple of players as athletic as any in the nation but will ultimately lose big due those same players inability to carry the ensemble group. Imagine if We Are the World had come out in 2008 but only Bono and the Boss stepped up as the A-listers on the roster. What if the rest of the group had to be rounded out with the likes of Eiffel 65, Bonecrusher, Haley Duff, Kige Ramsey, Mystikal, The Statler Brothers, Obama Girl, Tommy Lee, Amy Grant, and Hootie and the Blowfish sans Darius Rucker. While I would be all aboard, how would this song do for fundraising? Ladies and Gentleman, may I introduce you to the 200_ Austin Peay State University Governors! Oh well, I am picking Texas a long way in my brackets so either way I win.