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KSR Weekly World Report: The Kids Aren’t Alright edition

Eventually, they’re going to kill us all.  And I blame MTV.

What a crazy week it was in the Big Blue Nation.  We got signings from guys that we’ve been waiting anxiously on and commitments from guys we didn’t even know were being recruited.  Then, Billy Clyde decided that if 15-years of age is old enough to pose partially nude in a magazine (Miley Cyrus), then it’s high time to give a verbal to God’s favorite basketball program (Michael Avery).  The kiddos really seem to be growing up quickly these days, but you can’t fully appreciate the vaccuum of lost innocence that we’re in until you take a glance at this week’s headlines.

 – It was a big week in the world of video games, which excited the children not in their driveway prepping for their pre-high school verbal.  The release of Grand Theft Auto excited frustrated felons everywhere and my college roommates, both stoners and non-stoners division, were psyched about the release of Mario Kart for the Wii.  The big news, though, is that there is a Carmen Electra-inspired stripping game in the works.  Fathers of boys just got really hyped.  Those with girls just died a little inside.

 – Let’s get this out of the way:  Prom sucks.  We all know it.  You get dressed up, think you’re going to get some sweet action, only to find out that you spent all of the money from your pizza parlor job on talking to your basketball teammates all night and watching some guy only wearing suspenders gyrate on the dance floor.  Well, at least that’s how it was at the ole SOHS prom of 2001. 

However, if I would have asked my date by mooning her at a JV soccer game, then maybe it would have been worth it.  If this kid wanted to be really creative, he should have just written “Prom?  Check yes or no.” on his meat and then had a “yes” and a “no” box on each of his veg.  Much more memorable – unless you’ve been in the Congo.  Then, it’s not such a good idea.

 – So what is hot in the streets these days, you might ask?  Well, no one wants to be astronauts or firefighters anymore.  Nope, the kids all want to start record labels and that takes serious cash.  Serious cash that can only be acquired by trying to cash a forged check for $360 billion (yes, with a “b”) that you supposedly got from your girlfriend’s mother.  All I ever got from my girlfriends mother’s was the “you better not be doing the you know what with my daughter or I’ll kill you” talk.  This lady sounds top-notch.  I wonder if the daughter is available now.

 – So you would think that the police could get out on the grind and take care of these knuckleheaded kids before things got too out of control.  Not so fast, my friend.  They’re too busy out busting up root-beer keggars.  It turns out this kid “wanted to show that teens don’t always drink alcohol at their parties”.  Meanwhile, the cool kids were across town getting drunk without the worry of police interference.  Just kidding, kids.

 – He might not be a kid anymore, but he’ll always be a little boy in my mind – and now he’s back on the small screen.  Gary Coleman made his triumphant return to television on “Divorce Court”.  Honestly, I didn’t watch it so I don’t know what the deal is.  I feel like Chris Hanson should be after this lady that married him though.

Well, that’s it.  Basically we’re going to hell in a handbag and there is nothing that we can do about it.  We’ve brought this on ourselves, but maybe we can pass the blame onto our parents.  In the meantime, enjoy this video of someone who is either a kid themselves, or just vertically challenged.  Either way, it’s sure to put a smile on your face.  It’s been around forever, but I still can’t help but enjoy it.

Article written by Thomas Beisner