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KSR Weekly World Report

Skanks.

What a great, shortened week this was.  Not a whole lot of breaking news on the Kentucky front, but in a week where Tony Romo may or may not have broken up with Jessica Simpson, we had a few power couples of our own making news. 

Rajon and Tayshaun (look, I’m a poet!) continued their battles for Eastern Conference supremacy and the right to be featured repeatedly by ESPN next week as a “key to stopping Kobe Bryant”.  Ramon and Jared kicked off their African goodwill tour with Athletes in Action by doing some stuff, none of which is more important than being in a picture where a 7’2″ white guy is somehow unnoticeable in a crowd of young black children.  Waldo has nothing on Jared Carter.  Meanwhile, our favorite UK duo, Ramel and Joe, took their game to the NBA Pre-Draft camp where Crawford shined and Bradley struggled a bit.  After a few days in Orlando, this relationship is taking on the appearance of the Janet Jackson-James Debarge marriage – if Debarge could stick the J and spit hot fire.  I still think good times are in store for both kids.

But, what was going on in the rest of the world?  Honestly, not much.  But I think there are a few things that you should know about:

 – Attention all men:  I’m sure you’re well aware of the disaster about to strike us all down with the release of the new Sex and the City movie. If you’re unfamiliar with the premise of this crapfest, then don’t make the mistake that I did. Not everything with “sex” in the title fulfills your hopes and, outside of the dark haired one with the homemade dirty movie, you wouldn’t want to touch any of these girls with Bryan the Intern’s…well, you know.

Basically, this movie is going to give your wives and girlfriends the green light to get all dolled up, drink $35 martinis and start flashing their business all over town. Somewhere during the debate over whether or not she should cheat on you with some smashed 21 year-old in the back of the bar to prove her “independence” or whatever, she will annoyingly debate with her friends over which one of the skeezed-out stars of the movie each of them are like.  And trust me, they’re always going to be one of them. You want to stay far, far away from this hen house madness, but the main thing is that you’re prepared to go on the offensive when she gets home.

In the end, she’s going to come back from this movie/girl’s night with a “my doodoo doesn’t stink” attitude and talk about how she is being stifled by her home life.  She’ll then likely throw around some verbage that indicates that she’s ready to go back out on the prowl and live her life the way an underdressed, middle aged hooker would.  Don’t fret, though, because there is an easy fix.  Just threaten to take away her sweat pants and remind her that when you married Ms. Boyle County 1991, it wasn’t because of her unmatched ability to watch daytime TV or because she could put together a Ripken-like streak of not wearing makeup.  Remind her that if she is so independent and an object of everyone’s desire, then she’s free to go out and get a job or get back in shape.  If that doesn’t work, then I’ve got nothing.  Just kick her out. 

And, yes, I am still available ladies…

– I’m not really sure who or what this is, but this ended up in my inbox this week (that’s what she said?).  This is absolutely the strangest tattoo of all-time.  I have no idea how you explain this one even if the story ends with “and that’s the last time I got high on PCP and watched Dirty Dancing and The Chronicles of Narnia at a tattoo parlor”.   

– Nothing really funny here, but this story is really cool to me.  They’ve discovered a tribe in the Amazon who has had no human contact.  Ever.  Very cool, and pretty unbelieavable at the same time.  They say there are about 100 left.

 – One of the strangest fads when I was growing up (at least to me) was the whole “Too Fast, Too Furious” thing.  I didn’t understand the strange love that existed between car and owner and that would eventually usher in an era of neon colors, giant spoilers and exhaust fart tips.  However, that vehicular affection has nothing on this guy that claims to have made love to 1000 cars.  I have no jokes for this because the actual story reads like a blog post.  Any joke I’d make, this guy has already actually done.  Trust me, you want to read that link.

 – In a sad, surprising news story, we found out that Rachael Ray is a terrorist.  Well, that is, if you get your news from Fox.  I don’t think anyone else called her a terrorist.

 – The Scripps National Spelling Bee is back again and I’ve never really been able to get into it to be honest with you.  Despite winning the Austin Elementary Spelling Bee back in 1993, my passion for spelling never quite caught up with my God-given talent.  I am, however, a huge fan of this interview with last year’s winner that you’ve probably already seen about 1,000 times.  Don’t worry, it’s still great.  And if you haven’t seen it, then prepare yourself to meet the only homeschooled kid who probably still gets stuffed into lockers.

Article written by Thomas Beisner