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KSR Weekly World Report

Way to make us proud, Evan.

Where did the week go?  Usually, I like to write a little B.S. about how the week flew by so fast and that I can’t believe it’s already Friday, but I’m usually lying.  Work makes my week miserably long, as I’m sure it does for you, but I play it off like I was just having so much fun at my 9-5 that the time just flew right by me.  But, to be honest, this week actually seemed to go by faster since I was saddled up in bed sleeping for a good portion of it with a vicious stomach bug.  So, sweet readers, this recap is just as much for me as it is for you because I honestly have no idea what happened this week.  So, with apologies to those of you who thought my absence was due to me being released from my lucrative KSR contract, I’m back and ready to get this thing rolling.

Let’s see.  The week started off with a bang as Rajon and Tayshaun made us all feel all torn like Brady Quinn’s sister at the Rose Bowl a few years ago.  Then a little controversy hit with Jon Hoodgetting disrespected (thats a hot word these days) with a low ranking from and the Greg Doyel piece heard ’round the world, um, I mean, Bluegrass.  All of this, however, was shown up by the internet sensation from Raleigh, Hunter McClintock.  McClintock, despite repeatedly referring to El Capitan Jones as “sir” and “Mr. Jones” on his radio show, firmly entrenched himself as my second favorite YouTube sensation next to this guy (WARNING: language that isn’t Mom appropriate).  Not to be outdone, Dr. Chris Tomlin (he was awarded an honorary PhD. at the Beisner U commencement in May) introduced KSRomance to us all, proving that there is something out there for all of us hopeless, message board romantics.

But, even with all of this greatness, there were still some things going on that we all missed out on.

 – As BTI noted in his “Clicks to Pick”, the UK Basketball Museum is in a little bit of trouble and is facing the likelihood of being kicked out of the Lexington Civic Center. That’s not really the link here, but it’s a good reference point when you consider that the Icelandic Phallological Museum is booming with business. This museum deals with, well, you know. And lots of them. From animals to humans, this museum is sure to amaze and inform anyone who has never had to share one of those group showers in the high school locker room. They are taking donations (and not of the money kind) if you are interested, but I’d like to keep Dr. Theodore Longfellow attached to my body when I’m buried, thank you.

 – Sometimes, posts on this blog can get sidetracked into political debates. I think we can all agree deep down that we need to support our troops, no matter what the rhyme or reason is for their involvement overseas. I, however, will not support the troops the way that Bollywood actress Tania Zaetta does. I love my country, but only in a “Yeah America is awesome, let me donate some money or supplies” kind of way and not a “have your way with me young soldier” kind of way. To each their own, I guess.

 – It looks like it’s an elf contest to me, but apparently it’s a show called American Idol and it just wrapped up.  Never heard of it.

 – In “I think for a second that I’m not an alcoholic” news, Esquire magazine released a list of the best bars in America and only one was in our fair Commonwealth. The Old Seelbach Bar made the cut and joined the rest of the bars as places that I have never stepped foot in. I take this not as a poor reflection of me, but as a poor reflection of Esquire’s taste. I’m guessing there were no points awarded for “Cheap PBR”, “No Dress Code” or “Fondling-Friendly”. I still think I’m the better man.

 – You may or may not have heard that Suge Knight got knocked out last week oustide of a club in L.A by a much smaller man. That’s all I’m going to say about that because I use my real name on this blog and I’d consider myself to be slightly less hard-core than Vanilla Ice. However, that did give the green light to a little West Coast snitching and Dr. Dre called out the Rev. Al Sharpton for trying to extort him.  Apparently Sharpton threatened to hold a march in front of Dre’s studio to protest his music unless he coughed up $500,000. The way I see it, that’s the bargain of the century if it gets rid of the Reverend Rhymemaster.

 – And, in the biggest news of the week…

…drum roll please…

…our very own Evan Hilbert got engaged! That’s right, ladies, this luscious, irresistible piece of man-meat is officially off of the market and you can start contemplating the meaning of the rest of your lives. Maybe you can go drown your sorrows at one of the fine establishments that I mentioned above.  In the meantime, Mr. Hilbert is venturing off into a world of memorizing the names of flowers and posing in matching outfits by fence posts and trees.  His manhood shall be missed.

Well, kiddos, that’s all for this flu-shortened version of the Weekly World Report.  Enjoy the long weekend and the time away from The Man. And, for those of you still forced to work this weekend or stuck with that dreaded “family time”, don’t forget to put on your happy face anyway.

Article written by Thomas Beisner