We here at KSR are unabashedly patriotic. Why else would we follow America’s team? But in all the hullaballoo of the University of Kentucky’s 2006 season, it was largely agreed recently by the robed members of Kentucky Sports Radio, while gathering in a cavernous secret bunker 3 miles below ground, that perhaps we’re not fulfilling another need of you, the readers. After all, this site is, primarily, a politics blog. Right? It is for this reason, dear readers, that the clandestine illuminati of KSR brings you, this election day, a look at a few select candidates around the state. You’ve probably seen some of these people in your own backyards. In your schools. Perhaps they’ve had their mouths on your babies. And you’ve seen many of their ads on television (though none will top the greatest political ad of all time, which is located on Wisconsin Congressional candidate Paul R. Nelson’s website). Today, then, we take a look at a random sampling of your candidates in the great state of Kentucky. Choose or lose, people. Choose or lose. And as always, we are KSR and we support this message. That is all.
David Ryan, State Representative, 60th District, Boone County
David Ryan is not your father’s State Representative. For starters, as indicated in the above photo, Ryan’s titanium-infused bionic arm is strong enough to pull a train (well-documented in the 2004 indie documentary Ryan: The Man-Robot Who Would be State Representative). Ryan is pro-life and pro-guns, but anti-pedophiles (who largely do not use guns).
Quote from campaign: “We are all given wings with which to fly.”
Influences: Inspirational posters, R. Kelly.
Bruce Brockenborough, State Representative, 3rd District, Paducah
Brock the Vote! I wish I was kidding about that, but that is the slogan adorning Brockenborough’s campaign — followed closely by a daily calendar of Brockenborough events entitled Bruceblast! Clearly, the Bruce is loose in Paducah. Few people realize, however, that Brockenborough’s baldness is a direct result of an intense dosage of gamma radiation he received during a botched government operation several years ago, rendering him incapable of controlling his transformation into a superhuman beast who vows to keep criminals in jail — literally — by visiting Paducah’s correctional facilities twice daily to beat the perpetrators into quiet submission.
Quote from campaign: “End the day by having beers with Bruce!”
Bottom Line: If you don’t vote Bruce Brockenborough, he will transform into a hideous beast and singlehandedly destroy the Paducah Senior Center, like he did last March.
Leslie A. Combs, State Representative, 94th District, Pikeville
Mrowr! Finally, some eye candy in Pike County’s 94th District race! Truly Leslie A. Combs is the toughest sort of candidate, her sweet siren song luring voters to the polls with glazed eyes. A recent publicity opportunity saw Combs riding a coal truck in support of coal truck safety, followed then by admittedly misguided stunts in which she lit herself on fire to advocate fire safety and leapt 3,000 feet from a small aircraft directly into the ground to advocate parachute safety. A fearless leader, Combs’ plans to make her experience with Pikeville College work for the entire district, requiring citizens who are having trouble with their schedule to visit a designated office where the district “registrar” will allow them to add or drop life responsibilities as needed.
Quote from Campaign: “With a name like Combs we know she is a good mountain person.”
Our disagreement: Gorblon is a much better name for a mountain person.
Brad Montell, State Representative, District 58, Spencer/Shelby County
Outside of being a tremendously snazzy dresser (that’s our boy on the left, sporting a jacket from the new fall Guys and Dolls line) Brad Montell’s record features such gutsy political moves on the Capital floor as honoring the DuPont Manual Swim Team and moving to adjourn the House of Representatives in memory of people who have passed away. It should also be noted that Representative Montell harbors a close-knit and longtime friendship with R&B Crooner Montell Jordan, using Jordan’s hip-hop anthem This is how we do it as a campaign re-election song.
Quote from Website: “Serving as a Floor Page is an experience that students will remember for a lifetime.”
Are we “going there?” No way.
Doug Goodman, State Senate Seat, 10th District
Goodman, a Radcliff resident, began his career on the stand-up circuit in 1986, appearing on television cable specials Mark Curry’s Future Superstars and Richard Jeni’s Colorful Sweater and Blazer Comedy Special. Frequent appearances at the Yuk Hut in Radcliff have deemed the candidate a shoe-in at today’s end, with his bold stances against small packages of peanuts that airlines give us and a strong attack against the handwriting of doctors (I mean, can anybody read that?)
Quote from Website:“I will make sure my thumb stays on the pulse of this community.”
Why We Like Him: He’s saying what we’re all thinking!
Get out and vote, folks. Free stickers.