**DISCLAIMER: These quotes are definitely not real. This is a satirical piece written with the intent to entertain, not to inform.**
The long-awaited NBA restart is now less than three weeks away, and with players arriving in their hotel rooms this week, scenes from the carefully-maintained Orlando “bubble” are already flooding in on social media. On Thursday, KSR’s Tyler Thompson recapped some of the initial reactions from several former Cats, including Rajon Rondo, Anthony Davis, Patrick Patterson and Enes Kanter. Suffice it to say, the reception to quarantine conditions at Disney World has been mixed.
However, thanks to an inside source — a talking mouse who will remained unnamed — KSR has gained access to exclusive interviews with some of the players representing #BBNBA in the bubble. These are their completely “legitimate,” 100% “authentic” quotes.**
“The rooms really aren’t that bad,” Spurs rookie Keldon Johnson said. “The water pressure is nice. I’m just ready to get back in the gym and compete with my teammates.”
This positive sentiment was shared by Kanter, whose Celtics currently have the second-best championship odds in the Eastern Conference.
“It’s exciting, man,” he said. “I turned on the TV last night and found every ‘Wrestlemania’ since 1992 on the DVR. They’re really taking care of us.”
Perhaps the most controversial talking-point in the bubble so far has been the meals. Although Kanter and Patterson appeared satisfied, several stars have complained about meager portions and “airplane food,” including Sixers big man Joel Embiid. Well, it seems we can add Bucks guard Eric Bledsoe to the latter group.
“What do I think of the food? It’s disgusting,” said Bledsoe, audibly gagging. “It’s like eating two-day-old Golden Corral leftovers, but like, if they had been kept in the same piece of Tupperware that someone was using for deviled eggs. And you can still kinda taste the eggs. You know?”
Thunder guard Hamidou Diallo added that he “could really go for some of Mrs. Cal’s brownies.”
A suspicious lack of beverage options has not helped, sources say. Several players independently confirmed that the only drinks available in the hotel are water, Gatorade and Red Bull.
“All I’m saying is it’s a little weird that AD gets here and suddenly, there’s Red Bull everywhere,” Spurs forward Trey Lyles said. “Then the other day I saw him talking to the vending machine guy, muttering something about needing his wings. I don’t know, you tell me.”
The 27-year-old Davis, who has been a brand ambassador for Red Bull since 2012, denied the rumor that he was responsible for the copious amounts of energy drinks.
“I don’t know who put it there, but I for one was glad to see it,” Davis said. “Red Bull provides the perfect vitalizing, low-calorie kick I need to get me through the day down here!”
Meanwhile, Davis’ teammate Rondo has used the time off to hone his well-known skills with the Connect Four board. According to former UK student manager and current Lakers Head Coach Frank Vogel, it’s beginning to cause problems in practice.
“I love the guy, but it’s 24/7 at this point,” Vogel said of his veteran point guard. “He’ll be doing a passing drill with one hand and dropping tiles with the other—and not looking at either one!”
His latest victim was none other than Kings point guard De’Aaron Fox, who made the mistake of challenging Rondo yesterday afternoon. He was reportedly defeated before he’d finished sitting down.
“And I thought I was fast, man,” Fox said, visibly shaken by the memory. “I think I’d better stick to Call of Duty from here on out.”
While some players have taken to board games, others have used the opportunity to display their fashion sense. Among those flashing eye-catching looks this week were Nerlens Noel, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Tyler Herro.
Fresh off being crowned “LeagueFits” Rookie of the Year, Herro was spotted in the pool area on Friday sporting a Miami Heat-themed Louis Vuitton bathing suit, Ray Bands, and a black, ruby-studded N-65 face mask.
When reached for comment, the 20-year-old sharpshooter simply leaned back in his chair, sipped his Red Bull and mumbled the word “drip.” This statement was vouched for by everyone nearby, and officially confirmed later via email by Heat President Pat Riley.
Although many players have said they feel secure in the bubble, a number of precautions are being taken to ensure the safety of everyone inside amid the ongoing coronavirus surge in Florida. Measures reportedly include nightly testing, social distancing regulations, rigorous cleaning and 24-hour surveillance of Devin Booker’s hotel room.
“It’s honestly cool being here, despite everything going on,” said Nuggets point guard Jamal Murray, who had never been to Disney World before and was surprised by the rats. “It really is the most magical place on Earth.”
For more updates from Orlando, stay tuned while we wait to hear back from our large-eared source. (Hopefully he doesn’t start asking for more money!)