When it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for three things. The crazy, the tears, and the daddy issues. While you can argue that those three things are one in the same, you don’t get a say in this argument because you are reading, not writing. If you are here for an in depth review of what girl he should pick, go somewhere else. We’re not going to be friends. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The future happiness or despair of the contestants on this show is of no concern to me. What do you say we get started? Are you psyched? I’m Psyched!
Welcome back friends. It’s been a while. You look well. Did you go gluten free? You look gluten free. If you’re not, you could totally tell people you are. THEY’D NEVER KNOW!! Since I’ve last written here, I won the lottery. It was only a dollar on a scratch off, but who’s counting? I also went on the trip from hell with Matt and Drew to Dallas. However, despite the bad weather, the whole trip was made worth it when World Wide Wes told me he was a huge fan of the Bachelor post on KRS*.
*He didn’t tell me this.
Look, I’ll be honest with you because we’re friends. The last Bachelor season took a lot out of me. Tierra was a LOT to take in and Sean was about as cool as a broken air conditioner. I got burnt out and my fingers were tired of banging the board. But the ladies (and Matt) have spoken, and my idle fingers do no good for anyone. “You’ve gotta give the people what they want,” they said. “And they want the KSR Bachelor Running Diary.”
Then the KSR Bachelor Running Diary is what they will get.
8:02- This episode started with a bang. In no particular order, these are real reasons stated by real girls who sent real audition tapes to ABC as to why they want to be on The Bachelor.
“I’m tired of frogs. I’m ready to find my prince.” Kind of insensitive to frogs, but whatever.
“I always kind of end up being a booty call.” How can you “kind of” be a booty call? Girls, comments like these are why you can’t have nice things.
“I’m not getting any younger and my eggs are not becoming any more fertile.” I really hope this girl made it on the show.
“I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to sit every night and watch Golden Girls for the rest of my life.” That makes one of us. Sign me up for that.
“I want to find someone. Like, I want to get married… again.” The way I see it, if you can get married once without being on The Bachelor you can get married twice without being on The Bachelor. I’ve always said that. Ask anyone who knows me.
8:04- A girl just stuck her entire fist into her mouth as her “special talent.” Her ENTIRE fist. Try it. Make a fist and try to stick it into your mouth. You look really stupid right now, by the way.
8:05- A girl with a thick country accent just said coming to L.A. for the casting interviews was the first time she had ever flown. Without any other knowledge of her, I’m guessing she is from either Arkansas or Mississippi. Not sure which one would be worse.
8:06- I guess “I flirt with guys and I flirt with girls” is what you would say if you were a girl wanting to kill two birds with one stone and interview for The Bachelor and The Bachelorette in the same interview. So that’s exactly what a girl just did.
“I don’t know if I’m ready to be a stepmom” is what you say if you just wanted a free trip to L.A. and didn’t really want to be on the show. Someone just did that, too.
This girl wants to be on the show. I can see it in her eyes.
8:12- Chris Harrison, the man with the easiest job in the world, is going around giving roses to the girls who were chosen to be on the show. The first girl jump hugged him and wrapped her legs around his waist. I think if we’ve learned anything from The Bachelor in the past, we know that wrapping legs around someone is to be saved for a time when you find yourself in a body of water with The Bachelor. Not when you’re in a clothing store with Chris Harrison. This girl has A LOT to learn.
8:13- Easy job Chris just showed up to the second young woman’s house and knocked on the door. This girl opens the door in a sun dress with make up on and her hair done. If Chris Harrison shows up randomly to my house he’s generally going to find me not showered wearing pajama shorts eating carryout/delivery food watching The First 48.
8:18-8:27- This part is all about Juan Pablo. I’m sure some of you ladies that watch the show have interest in him. I don’t. What I took from this part was that he used to play soccer, he has an adorable daughter, and his family wants him to find love. Now that I have a niece that has softened me, I care that he has an adorable daughter. That’s great. However, I don’t care about any of the rest.
8:33- Juan Pablo’s cousin gave this advice; “Please keep your shirt on so you can at least have a conversation with the girls.” Until this point in my life, I had no idea Venezuelan’s weren’t allowed to talk when their shirts were off. Whoever said The Bachelor doesn’t culture you doesn’t know jack flippin crap about anything.
8:34- Juan Pablo’s uncle just called him the wrong name when giving him advice. Then, his advice was two words: “be patient.” I don’t think brain power is a strong suit for the Uncle.
8:41-8:50- RIP Gia.
8:55- Looks like Juan Pablo will get advice from Sean about being The Bachelor. If you want a analogy for this, that’d be like John Calipari asking Billy Gillispie about how to be the coach at Kentucky. If you don’t want an analogy for this too bad, you already read it.
8:56- TEARS! WE HAVE TEARS! An unidentified contestant in tears states that “This is breaking me.” If the first episode, which is a cocktail party meet and greet, is breaking you then this may not be the right environment for you. Just wait until someone starts yelling about not taking her sparkle and not being able to control their eyebrow and have some real problems.
8:57- One girl, while seeing Juan Pablo kiss another girl, says “It’s hard to watch someone you’re connecting with connect with other people.” HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SHOW BEFORE? They might as well circle around and play spin the bottle, only in this version of spin the bottle Juan Pablo gets to spin the bottle EVERY SINGLE TIME.
8:58- An unidentified genius says “These are crazy girls.” I know. That’s why we’re here. That’s why we’re watching. That’s why the running diary exists.
8:59- I don’t know what led to the girl crying in the bathroom stall and yelling “I want to go home!!!”, but I can’t wait to find out. It could be anything from the waiter bringing the wrong salad dressing to her hair dryer breaking.
Just kidding, you guys. It’ll be because of alcohol. It’s always because of alcohol.