The picture on each week’s post is awarded to the craziest girl from the previous episode. This week it is awarded to Tierra, again. Tierra faked hypothermia in the last episode. (This photo award is becoming to Tierra what the SEC Freshmen of the Week award is to Nerlens Noel. This is 4 straight.)
When it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for the crazy. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The contestants’ future happiness or despair is of no concern to me. The purpose of The Bachelor Running Diary is to document the crazy things these girls say and do on national television. The Bachelor Running Diary, much like playing basketball at Kentucky, can’t hide crazy girls and is not for everybody.
KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 7)
8:02- Looks like there’s going to be a lot of crying tonight. Probably a good opportunity for another video of the week from Luke.
8:04- “I’m not friends with girls who like my boyfriend.” This is first thing Tierra has ever said that made me think “Yeah, that’s fairly reasonable.”
8:05- Ashlee speaks in cliches. It’s like she has someone writing for her. “I always get carried away by Sean. If it’s not physically it’s emotionally.” I would hate to be in her brain.
8:06- Luke: “Ashlee lives in a tent, right?” Me: “No, that’s Desiree. You impersonated her last week.”
8:08- Ashlee is straddling Sean on the shore of the ocean. We all still know what’s happening during water straddling, right?
8:10- Tierra gets the second one on one date. She had this to say: “I’m so excited to spend the whole day with Sean. But being attacked by bugs, being sweaty, and my make up dripping off. Like, thats not fun or cool.” So, you are excited or you’re not excited? I don’t follow.
8:11- Lesley: “She gets a one on one date and she’s complaining. She’s the most unhappy person I’ve ever come in contact with. (under the breath) I hate that b****.” This was genuinely funny.
8:13- Ashlee needs to tell Sean something she doesn’t want to tell him. We pause it to guess what she’s going to tell him. My guess: “She’s going to say she was married before.” Luke’s guess: “She’s going to tell him her parents have a cat.”
8:14- Here’s what she actually said: “So, 15 years ago, I was in high school. I was having a really hard time in life. I had a boyfriend at the time. Things were difficult with my mom and I. So I got married when I was 17.” Not exactly “my parents have a cat.”
8:15- To bring things back to normal after this revelation, AshLee stands in her chair and yells “Hello St. Croix! I love Sean!” Then in an interview she says “I love this man and I’ll never stop telling him.” That’ll probably get weird for someone if she doesn’t win.
8:20- Tierra likes shopping with Sean. “Shopping with Sean is amazing and incredible. Shopping with Sean is awesome because he knew everything I would like. He bought me a eternity bracelet which is nice because I’ve never received anything like this from him before.” Tierra, let me explain why. You’ve known him for three weeks. That’s why.
8:22- WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!? THERE’S A PARADE AND THEY GET TO STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET! Once again, unbelievable timing. The parade looked like Gumby’s family (which I don’t think exists) was dancing in the street.
8:25- When Sean asks Tierra if she’d do anything different, she says no. Why did she say no? “Because these girls aren’t going to be around for much longer.” She’s not as good at this game as I thought. That’s a CRAZY thing to say. And the craziest thing about her interactions with Sean? It’s not even what she says. It’s that she doesn’t look him in the face. Her eyes dart around like someone playing the weasel smacking game at an arcade.
8:30- Before the group date, Sean brings a camera to wake the girls up before they get make up on. Not sure why he’d choose that. You don’t think this was planned, do you? THIS IS REALITY TELEVISION. It’s ALL real.
8:35- The group date was unbearable. Here’s a quick synopsis. They watched the sunrise. Wedding dress talked to a donkey. They did the Tarzan yell and beat their chests in a tree house. They played in the ocean. Catherine put Sean on her shoulders. They took turns talking to Sean by the ocean. Wait. Catherine put Sean on her shoulders? Sean who played college football at Kansas State? Yes. That happened.
8:37- Lesley’s one on one date card says “I hope our love stands the test of time.” Ashlee has a question: “The tests of time… What’s time?” She really said this.
8:39- Catherine had some dark things happen at a young age. First, when she was 12, her friend got killed by a tree. Tonight, she says when she was 14 her dad tried to commit suicide. National TV is the perfect place to mention that stuff.
8:43- Wedding dress gets the group date rose. This comeback is comparable to UK coming back from 31 down in Baton Rouge in 1995.
8:45- Now it’s time for a new game called “What Sean said/What Luke heard.”
What Sean said: “With hometowns just around the corner, I just need to get away and talk to Lesley.”
What Luke heard: “With hometowns coming up I just need to get some J Crew on, go around this corner, and talk to Lesley.”
8:47- As Sean sits to talk to Lesley, he asks her “Who will I be meeting in Arkansas?” This episode is terrible, so we don’t care what she says. We paused it to give Luke a chance to answer for her. Time for our video of the week. Take it away Luke.
Logistically I don’t know how a Mallard Duck and a Polar Bear mate, but they do. And they made Lesley and a chocolate lab, which you’ve got to admit is amazing. I didn’t listen to what Lesley said when we un-paused it, but I’m pretty sure Luke was dead on.
8:55- At the end of this date, she tells the cameras she is falling for Sean. But she doesn’t tell him. Seems like he would care more.
9:02- Sean’s sister shows up. Jessica, a friend watching with us, asks “Does Sean’s sister live there?” Look for Jessica on the next season of The Bachelor.
9:06-9:32- What happens now is why we watch the show. The following fight between Tierra and AshLee are why we’re here. This ALL happened.
Here’s the scene. Tierra confronts AshLee about putting her on blast to Sean and ‘creating distance’ between she and Sean. They go back and forth for a while before it ends in the first room with Tierra saying to AshLee: “Every girl in this house has talked about you behind your back.”
Naturally, AshLee goes to the other girls and tells them everything that was said.
Switch rooms. Lesley and Catherine are on the bed. AshLee is talking to them. Tierra enters the room.
Catherine (to Tierra): “Did you tell AshLee we talked about her?”
Tierra: “No, that’s not what I said. Don’t put words in my mouth. I never said that.” Only she totally did. We documented it four lines above.
AshLee accuses Tierra of general rudeness. Tierra probably stretches the truth: “Ashlee, I was never rude to you.”
AshLee accuses Tierra of blank stares, raised eye brows, and not saying good morning. AshLee is coming strong. Accusations followed by examples. In her defense, raised eyebrows ARE from the devil.
Tierra defends herself. Just not well. “Raised eye brows? AshLee that’s my face I can’t help it! I’ve had no botox, no any of that, I can’t help this!” (Can you imagine someone who always has raised eyebrows? Raise your eye brows. Go look in the mirror. How ridiculous do you look?)
AshLee: “You even said your parents were worried about you coming on here because they thought you couldn’t get along with the girls.” LOL. Even her own parents know she is crazy.
Tierra: “I never said that!” AshLee and Tierra really need to get on the same page.
(Hey, Bill Simmons, what do you think? “It’s hard to believe that 2 girls named AshLee and Tierra wouldn’t get along on a reality dating show.”)
Tierra (cont’d): “They said ‘Tierra you have a sparkle. Do not let those people take your sparkle away.’ People have judged me because I haven’t said good morning. Because of the look on my face and my eyebrow. I can’t control my eyebrow!! I cannot control my eyebrow! I cannot control my face 24/7. If I could walk around with a smile on my face 24/7 I would, but my face would get frickin tired. I’m not perfect, get over it.” I lost track of how many times we watched this part, but it was more than five. This quote is a first ballot Hall of Famer. Had she run out the door to the taxi right after this, it would have been the greatest ‘drop the mic’ moment I’ve ever seen. But she didn’t. She hung around. She had some ‘on camera crying’ to take care of.
9:35- When Sean gets to the house to take Tierra to meet his sister, Tierra is crying. She tells him this: “My date with you has been heavy on my heart. Today I confronted someone because I felt like they sabotaged our connection.” You know what I bet? I bet she can’t spell sabotage.
9:45- After what seemed to be at least 15 minutes of crying, Sean pulls the Matt Jones “I like you, but” on Tierra. He says: “I’m crazy about you, and I have been since the very first night. But I care so much about you I think it might be best for you if you go home now.” I bet she comes back in a couple weeks. You heard it here first.
9:48- After Sean puts Tierra in the cab, she cries “I can’t believe they did this to me.” BRING ON THE REBOUNDER!!
9:50- “Nobody is going to take my sparkle away.” You know who would definitely love your sparkle, Tierra? THE REBOUNDER!!
Since Wedding dress already has a rose and Tierra is somewhere with The Rebounder rediscovering her sparkle, there are 3 roses left for four girls.
*First rose goes to Desiree who looks like Katie Holmes.
*Second rose goes to Catherine the vegan who loves the beef and is strong enough to put a former division one football player on her shoulders.
*Final rose goes to AshLee, the walking cliche and instigator of a hall of fame Bachelor quote. Or should I say “organizer” of a hall of fame Bachelor quote?
This leaves our friend Lesley from Arkansas without a rose. That’s probably for the best. I can’t imagine asking a Mallard Duck for his daughter’s hand in marriage.
9:57- As the show closes, AshLee uses another cliche (“Love does conquer all.”) and Catherine says something really weird (“If he doesn’t want Lesley, then why am I here?”) I would focus more on the latter quote because it’s a legitimately insane thing to say, but Tierra exploded my brain.
9:59- As they preview next weeks home visits, it looks like Sean won’t be so warmly welcomed into all of the homes. Early shout out to Desiree’s brother for trying to seize his 15 minutes of fame and ruin her chances of winning.
I’d like to thank my roommate Luke (@gimmiepizzah) for sitting in with me again and making 4 jokes I could use and 50 I couldn’t. We’ll be back next week. Until then, can anyone tell me what kind of blog it is at KSR?