(The picture on each week’s post will be awarded to the craziest girl from the previous episode. This week it is awarded to Tierra (for a 3rd time), who said “I’m not a drama person at all,” which we all know is easily translated to “I am totally a drama person.” )
When it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for the crazy. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The contestants’ future happiness or despair is of no concern to me. The purpose of The Bachelor Running Diary is to document the crazy things these girls say and do on national television. The Bachelor Running Diary, much like playing basketball at Kentucky, can’t hide crazy girls and is not for everybody.
Due to Kentucky’s game against South Carolina Tuesday night, this running diary is coming to you a day late as I wasn’t able to watch Tuesday’s episode until last night. I considered not documenting this episode, but I know Bobbum man and King Kelly Coleman wouldn’t be okay with that. They are dying to know what craziness occurred so I decided to not let episode 6 go by without giving them what they want. I’m again joined by my roommate Luke (He really hits his stride tonight. You will meet him via video) and our friends Jordan (girl) and Ryan.
Without further ado, your KSR Bachelor Running Diary.
KSR BACHELOR RUNNING DIARY (Episode 6) *Times not included due to watching it late*
*Hey look everyone, it’s Chris Harrison. Drink. I have a question to start tonight. They go to these places. They are there for a week. And they can only manage to fit 3 dates in? What else are they doing? Does Sean have to fly back and sell custom furniture three days a week? Does it take a long time to secure two goats, two canoes and two saws for the group date competition? Does Chris Harrison have a clause in his contract that he only works 3 days a week? He already has the easiest job in the world, why wouldn’t he want to make it easier?
*Luke still doesn’t know which girl has one arm. He thinks it’s Daniella. We pause the show and point Sarah out. I still wouldn’t put my life on him picking her out of a line up of pictures from the shoulder up.
ONE ON ONE DATE
*Catherine gets the one on one date and Sean shows up to pick her up in what appears to be a small red house on wheels. They get out of the house on wheels and Catherine boards a sled/toboggan that she rides approximately 7 yards. It is legitimately snowing and neither one of them are wearing a hat. Sean’s face is a shade of red-orange I’ve never seen. It looks like someone colored his face with an orange highlighter.
*”I’ve been through a lot in my life,” says Catherine. “I know you’ve seen goofy sides of me, but I want to show you more.” She goes on to say that at age 12, she witnessed a friend die at summer camp after having a tree fall on her. She talks about how that shaped her life and made her realize things can be taken from you in an instant.
It’s not cool to joke about that, but let’s get Luke’s take: “I don’t think I’d be very outdoorsy after that.”
*Catherine gets a rose.
*Jordan asks out loud the question everyone has about Tierra: “When is Tierra gonna explain the dent in the middle of her forehead?”
*Selma is not happy that Lesley jumped in the canoe with Sean. “I wanted to tip that boat over so freaking bad.” We wanted you to as well. Then she said something about a shark attacking them before unleashing the one of the creepiest laughs ever. It was slow. Something to the effect of “ha. ha. ha. ha.”
*After they canoe across a freezing lake, Sean informs them that they are going to jump in the ice cold water and join the Polar Bear club. Normally I’d worry for their safety, but The Sherminator is their lifeguard. Seriously. Look at the side by side. It’s uncanny.
*”I’m cold and I’m scared how I’m going to react after this…” is something you would say if you were Tierra and you were the best player ever of this game called The Bachelor. She’s setting up her fake hypothermia before she even gets in the water. Tierra is a genius and may take over the world.
*After it’s over, everyone is all “so glad I did this.” Except Selma. Because she didn’t do it (can’t say I fault her). Also, Tierra doesn’t seem like she’s too happy. Because she is starting to fake hypothermia.
*In reaction to Tierra’s latest fake injury, Sean says “I want to do everything I can do to help but I’m not a professional.” Don’t worry Sean, she doesn’t have hypothermia. I’m not a professional either, but I know how to use google. I just googled “hypothermia recovery” and found out if a person is truly suffering from hypothermia “he or she must be seen by a doctor, preferably one who knows about the condition and who is located in a well-equipped hospital emergency room.” That didn’t happen, so you know it wasn’t real.
*Wedding dress is skeptical of the latest Tierra attention stunt: “Once again the ambulance was called and Tierra couldn’t handle it. Same story, different day.”
*Tierra’s plan to fake hypothermia worked. And when Sean comes to her room SHE HAS AN OXYGEN NOSE THING IN! Jordan notes that Tierra’s make up, which moments ago was all over her face, is now perfect as she tells Sean “I don’t want you to see me like this for the third time.” We will all be answering to Tierra in 10 years. This is not a joke.
*Lesley just told Sean “I love love.” Umm. What?
*Sarah just brought out the big guns. Family pictures. Girls, unless we’re a little ways into the relationship, we don’t really want to see your family pictures. And you shouldn’t care about ours. If we make it, say, three months, we’ll celebrate with a family picture night. Deal?
*Tierra, who initially didn’t join the group at the group date party so she could “rest and recover,” shows up as the girls are all discussing her. The following things were said about her by her fellow Bachelorettes and my friend Jordan:
Wedding Dress- “She had an ambulance called when she fell up the stairs.”
Lesley- “We have a tierra-ist one our hands.”
Jordan- “I’m baffled that he talks to this girl. She’s so needy. It’d be different if she was all he had. But she’s not.”
*Despite Tierra cheating death and showing up at the party, Lesley gets the rose. Tierra doesn’t think its fair. “I’ve gone through a lot through all of this. I’m the one who almost froze to death.” Umm, no you didn’t. Because you didn’t see a doctor or go to a well equipped hospital emergency room.
SARAH GOES HOME, LUKE CREATES NEW TV SHOW
*Sean is having doubts about a girl. He goes to find her. It’s Sarah. As they leave the room Sarah asks if she is in trouble. “No, you’re not in trouble. You’re just going home.” I’m kidding. He didn’t say that.
*He said this: “I felt like we were reaching. I feel like it’s never be there.” Maybe not the greatest choice of words, Sean. This set off a string of jokes in the room that can’t be printed.
*As Sarah rides away crying in the limo, Luke comes up with a GREAT IDEA for a new spinoff show. It’s kind of a half baked idea at this point. We don’t have it all figured out yet, but we called it “The Rebounder.” When the girl gets sent home there is always a camera in her face in the back of the limo. She ends up crying and saying something about how she “just wants to be loved.” At this moment, a dude slides over from the other window seat, puts his arm around her and says something like “hey man, turn that thing off” to the cameraman. The cameraman acts like he turns the camera off and The Rebounder goes to work telling the vulnerable girl that she is beautiful and that he loves her. If he can make out with her by the time they get her to the airport, he wins a predetermined amount of money. I dare you to tell me you wouldn’t watch this.
ONE ON ONE DATE
*Desiree gets the second one on one date, and Daniella once again complains about not getting a one on one date. Also, grass is green.
*Desiree (who we just decided kind of looks like Katie Holmes) is with Sean and they are going to repel down a mountain. “Repelling looks so much easier than climbing”-Jordan. I agree. I’m much more impressed with Selma climbing the mountain.
*After stopping halfway down to make out, they finish repelling. Then they climb a tree and Desiree who looks like Katie Holmes says “I did this all my childhood.” I’m sure you did, Desiree. JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER KID.
*After Sean and Desiree finish acting like George of the jungle, it’s time for dinner and conversation. It is during this time that Desiree reveals she once lived in a tent for 4 months. As a child. She said something to the effect of “I didn’t grow up with, like, money. I lived in a tent for 4 months. Like, I lived in a trailer for a while. I didn’t have anything growing up. I think that’s why I’m so humble.” Luke thinks she mistook living in a tent for a camping trip.
Here’s what he thinks she was trying to say:
*I like Luke’s version better.
*As the date (which took place in a teepee) ends, Desiree says “I’m going to remember this night for the rest of my life. I opened up about spending some of my life living in a tent and here I am falling in love in a teepee.” Rewind. Yep. She said that.
*Selma, who didn’t want to “shame her family” by making out on TV, decides that it’s time to go in for the kill. And that’s exactly what she did if you consider “the kill” a kiss that looked like something two 5th graders would do on a dare.
*Wedding dress, still building the biggest comeback in anything ever, tells Sean before their alone time “I made a promise to myself, and I’m not going to kiss you.” She kept that promise for approximately 52 seconds.
*AshLee brings up being abandoned and then tells Sean to blind fold her. This will take away her control and force her to trust Sean to lead her. Apparently by “lead her,” she meant “carry her across a room and kiss her.” I’ve seen failed trust falls build more trust between two people.
*As we head into the rose ceremony Lesley, Desiree who looks like Katie Holmes, and Catherine the vegan who loves the beef already have roses. There are 3 roses remaining and five girls. I am really worried we are going to lose Tierra. Once we lose Tierra, this running diary ends. I think Wedding dress and AshLee are locks. And Selma is still Selma. Daniella? She’s gone for sure.
*First rose goes to Wedding dress. No surprise there. After all, she kept a promise to herself for 52 whole seconds.
*Second rose goes to Ashlee. Again, not surprising.
*Time for the final rose. It’s got to be Selma, right? I mean, HAVE YOU SEEN HER? On second thought, Tierra is the greatest player the game has ever seen and will be running the world in ten years. Tough call for Sean.
*Tierra gets the final rose. And now that I think about it, the 5th grade kiss probably lost it for Selma.
*I always joke about the girls leaving the show needing to call me but seriously, Selma, hit me up.
NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELOR…
*Looks like Tierra goes nuts again next week and cries for attention. Also, the sky is blue.
*Sean said when he was 4 years old he peed in a desk drawer because “I thought it looked like a cool place to pee.” Every man has said this.
That’s all until next week, when we’ll keep trying to figure out what’s going on with Tierra’s forehead.